nova baby

...I'll just continue from yesterday {which is still today, but I'm pretending it's tomorrow so my tenses are going to be TOTALLY off}

so I kinda thought I could shake the thought in my head.  I wanted to shake it.  I still want to shake it.  now I am a fairly rational, semi-intelligent girl.  and I know that the crap in my past lies dormant for a lot of the time.  and I know darn well that I can continue on auto-pilot for a long, long time when necessary.  but in a week that was one of pinching pennies and driving to and from work in seriously sub-zero conditions in a car that is in dire need of an oil change, that thought wouldn't leave my mind.

and then sunday reached again.  and honestly, the last few days have been miserable.  I've been miserable.  discontented.  ask my kids.  there has been a lot of yelling the last few days.  I want silence, but I can't seem to find it long enough to think.  but today {I mean yesterday...whatever!} I was playing the piano at church.  couldn't really get out of that, and wouldn't considering how much I love it.  and today, dean talked about being significant.  that we matter.  that we are loved.  and not replaceable.  and the voice in my head said "see?  told ya so."  and then I got a lot of "I love you.  all of you.  all of the mess and the cranky and the angry and the hurt.  all of you."  honestly, at this point, I pull out my phone in the middle of church and check facebook just to distract myself.  so I get through all of that, play the piano, talk to a few people and get out.  but it just won't let up.  and then tonight, I did my usual sunday night thing.  only on crosspoint we were talking about forgiveness.  shit.  and it started with a video, a story of a man who had been sexually abused as a child.  and I believe my comment was, "this hits close to home."  and then I started talking.  and I realize that I need to forgive myself for being such a schmuck.  and I need to stop being so angry at God.  people are broken.  the person who molested me was broken.  we live in a broken world.  and it's time to just forgive.  and see my significance again.  like I did before I was abused.  the past has held me in bondage for so long.  and I so I wrestle with God.  and refuse to surrender.  but I am broken.  and apparently loved.  and in need of grace.

and because this is all I know at this time, I think I'll stop and see what this week turns up.

stop stop

my title tribute to the black keys continues.  I am totally hoping that I win a contest where the winner gets a trip to nashville to see the black keys in concert.  THAT would rock my world!

so it's time to talk about my word for 2012.  I was so shocked that "surrender" ended up being my word for the year, that I've been kinda avoiding it.  actually, I've totally been avoiding it!  and in this, perhaps it's time to share part of my story.  part of my heart.  since it seems like everything is in perfect alignment as of late.

like I've mentioned before, last years word was grace.  and I think I'll just quote myself {how arrogant, eh?} from my dec 29th post:

I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding.  you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold.  and no one is gonna give up the fight.  I have been tantruming for a long time.  we all know that.  I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time. 

and then, grace shows up. 

and she showed me who she was.  and I don't feel worthy.  so I fight.  and I think right now, we're in the cage.  me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing.  her with her moves.  those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve.  and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch.  so right now, I'm in a headlock.  she's fierce.  powerful.  relentless.  and I need to cave soon.  I am tired.  weak.  worn.  and totally in need of grace.  far beyond what I can even comprehend.  I need her to be my new best friend.  to be part of my essence.  part of a new way of doing business.  grace has kicked my ass this year.  and I'm still not getting it.  I am effing dumb sometimes.  that's not new news either.

and wow.  two days later the word "surrender" took me by surprise.  it came to me as clear as day.  the word.  the scripture.  the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that I needed to listen, because this was a big deal.  so a couple of days later I committed to it.  said it out loud.  then walked away.

and in the last couple of weeks I just thought I could forget.  like if I didn't talk about it, it would go away.  that said, I've had a couple of interesting things happen.  first, I go to a great church.  I love the people and we've found community there.  the last few weeks, dean has been preaching on being worthy.  something I struggle enormously with.  and if I'm really honest with myself, I came up with a lame ass excuse to avoid going last week because I hate hearing how worthy I am.  'cause in my head/heart, I am not.  but apparently I am not meant to avoid things.  I woke up that morning with a strange thought in my mind:  "I love you and I'll take care of you."  repeating over and over again.

then move up the timeline by half a day.  I've been spending my sunday nights on my computer hanging out with the people at crosspoint {in nashville} via their internet campus.  I started joining in the chat portion before christmas.  so, this particular sunday was about {total summation!} pleasing God vs. trusting God.  okay.  I don't trust God.  yes, I go to church.  yes, I believe that he died for me and that I have eternal life in heaven.  yes, I know that I am flawed and exceptionally broken.  but I don't trust that God has good things for me.  so subsequently, I do my own thing.  and apparently, it's not going so well.  financially we're not doing good.  I am fighting with john ALL THE TIME {even though he doesn't even know it half of the time}.  I am a mess.  I am a mess.  if I take my eyes off the mess, I can see clearly that I don't trust anyone but myself.

and yet the thought pounding through my head was, "I love you and I'll take care of you."

k.  this is long.  I'll post the rest tomorrow...

never stop

found this today, via the sweet mandy.  I've listened to it about five or six times now.  and cried through the entire first three minutes.  it is so the prayer of my heart.  okay, that and the harmonies kick some serious ass.



off to investigate further...

turn right back

my week in pictures.  sorry, my lovely twitter followers, most of these have been posted there!  I am loving instagram.  for the most part!!  this week was a bit of a gong show.  I was in the office on monday and someone pulled the fire alarm.  yeah.  on my watch, all 230+ students were outside as five firetrucks were pulling up to the front of the school!  john was on days all week, so it was chaotic.  between trips to the chiropractor, getting my car assessed and managing being back at work after christmas break...  yeah.  a gong show!!

 {new shoes.  I found them last week for SUPER CHEAP!  cute and cheap?  totally my kind of shoes!}

 {on friday, I got to go and see our new school building.  SUPER COOL!  okay, the school, not me in oversized steel-toed rubber boots, an oversized hard hat and goggles!!  I was a bigger safety hazard than anything in the building.  the picture below is of the front entrance.  compared to the current building, this one is really, really awesome!}

 {we went to the oilers skills competition with some friends yesterday.  the boys LOVED it.  we had decent seats and it was just a lot of fun.  the nice thing is that there were tons of kids and kids don't care if the team is sucking right now.  they're just fans of the game.  I like that.}

 {about seven rows up...and about four rows below where my dad's seats are}

 {did I tell you that I painted a wall in our house with chalkboard paint?  it's not totally done yet, but done enough that the boys can create.  this is what ty drew last night.  he loves hockey.  and wants to be a goalie...if you couldn't tell!!}

 {got this in the mail this week.  now I have two.  apparently a bunch of people didn't receive metals when they crossed the finish line at the marathon.  I got one, but I guess no one knew that.  I got a pink one on race day and this lovely blue one in the mail.  I'm thinking I have one for home and one for school!!}

{the view this morning from my front window.  it snowed.  and really, we haven't had much of a winter so I'm not complaining.  okay, maybe I am because this week is also suppose to be uber cold.  ick.}

so it was a busy week.

oh, and I think I scored tickets to the black keys.

and I wrote and entire essay on assessment.  ick.

and both children are still alive.

so is the husband.

sweet.

dead and gone

week one is over.  and the end of vacation is mere hours away.  back to school for small children and the mom.  and back to work for john.  it's been a good two weeks off and I'm ready to go back.  okay, well if the kids could go back to school and I could stay home - alone - for two extra day, THAT would been good!!

john's been taking the boys skating this week and they're loving it.  only a couple of times out on the ice and they are getting fast and confident.  I'm glad that the weather has been warm and that they've been able to burn off a bunch of energy!

and then today I packed up christmas.  gone for another year.  and I decided that since most of my ornaments are not breakable, that I'd just put them all in one box and label the box.  I get tired of sorting it all out and I just wanted it done!  and plus, it looked really pretty in the box!

on top of all of this, I chose this week to start a no-sugar challenge.  it's been a week of almost no added sugar.  I've done really well overall.  there were a couple of espresso con pannas and one birthday cupcake.  like I said, overall, I've been pretty happy.  plus, the scale was down 2 lbs this morning.  and that's not too shabby either.  I also cut booze out of my existence.  tried.  okay, it's not like I'm doing that bad with that either.  I had a glass of wine on wednesday night.  and tonight I'm taking a break - from my booze and sugar fast - to celebrate some impending nuptials.  and sunday, it'll be lots of water to kick the crap out of my system again and start all over.  it's not about failing so much, but getting back up and trying again.  every good eating day is a better day for my health.  I'm going to just do this one day at a time.

gold on the ceiling

wow.  day four already {of the new year, that is!!}.  I have happily spent the last two days doing nothing but lunch, coffee and movies.  oh and I got hit by a car last night.  rear ended.  grrr.  {more an irritation than anything else}.

so, I thought maybe some reviews of my favourite things to kick off the year?  yeah!  {sorry, it's a long post}

1.  the girl with the dragon tattoo.
I have been a stieg larsson junkie since the first book got shoved in my directions with instructions to read and stick with it, since the first few chapters could make a girl just give up!  in fact, I wrote a most stellar reviewish-type blog post on it.  shocking, I know!  the summer of 2010 - I read all three books.  watched whatever movies with subtitles I could get my hands on.  and recommended everything to everyone!  since then I've seen all three of the swedish movies.  so, it was with great anticipation and worry that I went to see the american re-make of this movie.

I wanted to hate it.  I really did.  but it was slick.  and good.  and wonderfully made.  and the music KICKED ASS.  now, I am not a big nine inch nails fan.  it's a bit too heavy for me.  but trent reznor and atticus ross kicked this one out of the park, as far as movie soundtracks go.  okay, but back to the movie. rooney mara did a good job of playing lisbeth, but for me, noomi rapace was lisbeth.  and the rest of the casting was really solid.  but I think I was most impressed with the setting - david fichner really grabbed the visual aspect of the book and brought it to life.  {other than a thermostat in the train station being at 18 degrees in the dead of winter - and sweden being a metric kind of place...well I can forgive that!}  because it's been 18 months since I read the books, I'm can't remember what was left out/sacrificed for the sake of time - but it wasn't anything really obvious, in my opinion.

needless to say, I saw the movie twice.  and I want THESE earrings:

but of course, H&M in edmonton isn't going to carry this line.  I am bitter and twisted!  so, if you, all my well travelled international friends, run into them at an H&M...buy them and email me.  I'll reimburse you!!

2.  the black keys, el camino

this is my current favourite album.  and honestly, I don't even know how to describe this kind of music.  yes, it's modern rock.  but unlike most of everything else I listen to.  it's happy.  fun.  good to crank up as loud as you can.  I can play it in my stamp room and I can play it when I'm cleaning my house.  oh, and first thing in the morning when I'm at my desk coming up with some good teaching ideas.  or crunching data.  it's good for everything!!!  my only complaint is that it's too short.  according to my itunes, the entire thing plays out in 38 minutes.  NOT ENOUGH!  {okay, I know this is a bad review - as far as descriptors go - just go buy it.  it's really, really good!}.  or just check out the black keys website...to start!

3.  the stephanie plum series by janet evanovich
I am always looking for a quick, fun, easy mystery series.  the stephanie plum series has been around for awhile.  I've read books four and five last year, then books seventeen and eighteen this summer/fall.  plum is a bounty hunter that is TOTALLY a jersey girl.  love her.  and now, they're wrecking it all by making a movie out of book one, "one for the money".  damn katherine heigl is going to play plum.  grrr.  she is not east coast enough.  and definitely not jersey enough.  so I'm going to stick to the books.  and read them all.  I have one that's by my bed right now.  it'll be done by tonight, if I have my way.

okay.  stopping there.  amazing; you got a movie, album and book out of me.  what are you watching, listening to and reading?  I could use some ideas...

hell of a season

yes, I have a new favourite album:  the black keys "el camino".  january will be full of blog posts devoted to them.  and their songs.  hehehe!!

okay, but this post is actually about my one word for twenty twelve.  the word that I've had lingering in my head for the last while has been sadly replaced.  to the point where I can't even remember what I was going to choose.  odd eh?  yeah.  I hate the word I've picked.  or in this case, the word that picked me.  HATE. IT.  it's going to be WAY to much work this year.  and it may mean that I have to stop fighting.  damn it.

I know it's the right word for me though.  I know this in every fibre of my being.  it resonates a little too deep and gives me that feeling in my belly where I just know it's the direction I am suppose to go.  crap.

{luke 17:31b:  "If you grasp and and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."}

it's a good thing that change doesn't happen overnight.  and it's really good that it's a journey.  because this is going to be tough.  good thing I'm not alone.

happy twenty-twelve!

xo

I fought the law

call it what you want:  my year in review.  or top ten things I would scrapbook.  or the things I'm thankful for in twenty-eleven.

regardless, I've been hunting for pics to support this wee list!  and apparently I take a lot of pictures with my iphone!

it was a super, super long winter.  there was WAY too much snow, but I am grateful that our cars made it through.  the times we got stuck, it was always close to home.  and trust me, in a car the size of mine, that's a big deal!  john got a new job in february - very close to home.  we only had to deal with unemployment for about a month, which was a good, good thing.  on the flip side, we've had to learn how to deal with shift work.  okay.  I've had to learn how to deal with it!!

 and the spring was all about soccer.  which was interesting considering the change to john's work schedule.  there was lots of driving, lots of car pooling and lots of games.  I love being a soccer mom and watching my boys play!

 this year, nate finished grade two and started grade three.  and ty moved from kindergarten into grade one.  the picture above nate is of ty's feet.  he received an award at school last spring - for citizenship - and he was too embarrassed to get up in front of the whole school to receive it!  so he sat on my lap and his principal brought the award to him!  

 I spent most of the spring training for the edmonton entact marathon.  my mom, sister, dad and I all walked the half marathon.  my mom and I finished in 3:30.  and it was HOT.  I was happy with our time; for me, it was one of my better races.

I went to las vegas at the beginning of july.  it was a nice break from the crazy of the school year.

 john and I took the boys to osoyoos {bc} this summer for two weeks.  it was hot and we lived in the pool and at vineyards for two whole weeks.  it was relaxing and crazy and lovely.  we are blessed to be able to vacation there every couple of years.

 new tattoo in september.  story of why is here.

 the fall was super busy - as it usually is - ty in school full time, me taking on a new teaching assignment, and all the other general busy that the fall brings.  in there somewhere, I learned how to ride a longboard and instantly I was hooked.  I LOVE IT!  I need to buy a board in the spring.

 john and I went to vegas in december so that I could do half marathon number two!  two halves make a whole, right?  we also got most of our christmas shopping done.  yeah!

the bling from vegas!  it's HEAVY!

and then, since I'm now the music teacher, I was the boss of christmas concert at school.  and dispite all the stress and crazy that lead up to the night, my kids totally kicked it out of the park!

I have had a good year.  it was hard, busy, crazy and blessed.  and I need to do this more often, just so I remember the good.  the happy.  and why I'm thankful.  'cause I am.

happy new years, peeps.  I'll see you tomorrow on the flip side!

xoxo

going to graceland

so, it's time for some review.  a look back in order to make a path forward, right?  only I feel like the three steps I've made forward in 2011 were countered by the five steps I took backwards.  it's not suppose to be like that, right?  however, I feel like I have made some gains emotionally.  but I've yet to discover if they are positive or negative.  so then are they gains?  I would say yes.  because I am aware.  more aware then perhaps I wanted to be.  and yet, I have not committed myself into the local mental hospital.  so yes, progress.

so although this is my official "one-word-year-end-up-date" for twenty-eleven, there are a couple of things I want to commit to over the next few days:

first, I just pulled up my blog post from dec 31st of last year - just to check my head space.  I did a top ten things that I was thankful for in twenty-ten.  I'm going to do that again.  join me, and send me your links if you want to do the same!

second, I'll post my "one word" for twenty-twelve on new years day.  I haven't figured out what I want to do with that yet, although there is a lingering thought in the front of my brain that is looking for some exploration.

okay.  my one word update.  last year I wrote THIS.  it was my word, my thoughts behind my word.  all of that stuff.

I feel like this year, grace showed up at the table and we have been fighting ever since.  {I'm going to site THIS post from carlos whittaker for my analogy on this one.}  I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding.  you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold.  and no one is gonna give up the fight.  I have been tantruming for a long time.  we all know that.  I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time.

and then, grace shows up.

and she showed me who she was.  and I don't feel worthy.  so I fight.  and I think right now, we're in the cage.  me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing.  her with her moves.  those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve.  and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch.  so right now, I'm in a headlock.  she's fierce.  powerful.  relentless.  and I need to cave soon.  I am tired.  weak.  worn.  and totally in need of grace.  far beyond what I can even comprehend.  I need her to be my new best friend.  to be part of my essence.  part of a new way of doing business.  grace has kicked my ass this year.  and I'm still not getting it.  I am effing dumb sometimes.  that's not new news either.

but, I am still standing {not in the metaphor anymore peeps - 'cause there, I'm on the ground, in a head lock!!}.  I'm not super crazy {yes, that's up for debate}.  I've dropped the ball on many relationships.  but I've picked up the ball on being a bit more hands on in my parenting.  I'm still a mess.  but I am considering this year to be one of progress.  and of hope.  those three steps forward were HUGE.  those five steps back were baby steps.  and although I never want to admit it, grace is winning.  and will win.  and then I'll give her a big high five and take her into the garage to smoke a cigar.

glad to have y'all around on the crazy train!!  xo

I can't stop loving you

can I have a christmas re-do?  like with more sleep and less cranky kids?  I thought that teaching right up until the 23rd would be a good thing; in theory it is.  we kept the pre-christmas crazy to a minimum and routines totally in place.  and, being the genus we all know I am, I planned the school christmas concert for the 22nd.  once again, in theory it was a good idea.  you know, for all the teachers needing to rehearse.  not necessarily for the person doing all the planning - me.  I've been going non-stop for two weeks now.  so, I know that I post all of these pictures on twitter, but now, I'll tell the story of crazy with all of them!

 {dress rehearsal...they were so super cute!}

 {played the piano for the christmas eve service at church.  it was packed in there and the band was HOT.  I'm so lucky to play with such amazing musicians.}

 {then we went to john's mom's house for a christmas eve meal and to open gifts.  the boys got skateboards and new hockey jerseys.  and I FORCED them to watch "the sound of music"!  it was a lovely night, but a late one.}

 {john worked for 8hrs on christmas day, so we got the kids up at 6am to open stockings.  john left for work at 645 and the boys and I hung out and watched christmas movies.  once it got light out, the boys were outside with their new skateboards.}

 {we hosted christmas brunch this year.  my whole family came over.  we ate food.  we opened presents.  it was crazy and lovely all at the same time!  lego, hockey pads, hotwheel sets and nerf guns.  happy, happy boys!}

 {and then it all fell apart.  we went to my mom & dad's for dinner - just getting there was a hassle!!  kids were tired and so was the mom.  shocking, I know!  we got home and ty had a major meltdown over batteries.  I yelled.  he yelled.  nate cried.  john just stood there and shook his head.  I may have said that I hated christmas.  nate put his coat on and said he was going to run away to a place where they didn't celebrate christmas, since I had wrecked it.  ty was going ballistic, because he thought it was my fault that the stores were closed on christmas day.  I threw all the hockey equipment into the other room and threatened to throw it away.  one of my finest moments.  about twenty minutes later, they were both asleep.  and john and I built the boys new hockey net.  so not a great way to end the day, but I have learned that crazy busy for too many days in a row is just not good for me.  and my parenting skills.}

 {and this morning we all slept, woke up happy, said sorry to each other, gave and received hugs and kisses and then the boys dressed in their gear and hit the pavement for a while.}

 {and I pulled out real pucks, since we have a net now}

{and they played hockey.  on the driveway.  in their pjs.  and once again, all is well in their worlds.  and mine.}

and now it's time to take a shower, go buy some groceries {and batteries} and maybe go to toys r us.  they want to brave the crowds.  and apparently, I'm their driver!  

happy christmas, everyone.  and today - happy boxing day!!  

xoxo

blue suede shoes

24 hrs.  less than, actually.  and the christmas concert will be done.  my stress will be gone.

I just hope all the work is worth it - the extra rehearsals, transposing music, building sets, the running around, the painting, the decorating...thank goodness for the great people that help me get through it all.

better yet, in mere days I get to park it on the couch and watch tv.  for two weeks.  oh, and drink LOTS of coffee.  and blog.  and think.  and read.  sweet amazing loveliness.

don't be cruel

december is a busy one.  holy dinah!  add a four day trip to vegas in there just didn't help.  needless to say, I had a good weekend home with the boys last weekend.  we baked cookies and decorated the tree. oh, and apologies if you follow me on twitter. there's a good chance you've seen most of these!

 {my favourite ornament.  it plays music!}

 {the boys and the tree}

 {me trying to re-live vegas; rum & coke in john's new hard rock glass}

 {ty lost his first tooth last night.  he just yanked that sucker out!}

 {I am totally as tired as I look}

{saw one of my former students in this production.  pretty cool!}

this up coming weekend/week are CRAZY.  staff xmas party, xmas concert at school, secret santa...oh, and I'd better wrap some gifts because I work until the 23rd and it's going to be slightly busy!!

xoxo