banjo

it's been a busy weekend.  john worked on friday and saturday, so with no school for us on friday, it was two days of "stuck at home with mommy".  

that said, we went for lunch, went to the movies, dressed up as super heros {them, not me!}, bought glitter pop ups {twice, after we lost the first set} and wished that we could buy super hero gear at toys r us.  we ended up getting iron man chest attach-on thingies that light up and make noises {at $5 each!} and a gun set at the dollar store {so one of them could be black widow}.  ty also spent his savings on thor.  and I bought captain america for us.  it's been a "super" weekend!!

 {lunch at tim hortons}

 {waiting for avengers to start}

 {super hero dress up}

 {a glitter pop up on my nose}

{birthday wish list items...}

I could do a 4 day weekend.  every weekend.  sigh.

darkness

so, do you watch criminal minds?  WHY NOT???  lol

okay the reason I bring it up is because this season has been good.  and the music they've been using has been really, really good.  there isn't even anything up on youtube [okay, other than SUPER cheezy videos] on the last song they used.  lily kershaw.  "as it seems".  darn good.

and in other news, john got his eyes lasered last weekend.  and it went well.  he can see!!!  now, he's hunkering down, studying for the exam in june.  if you are the praying type, keep us in your prayers.

tomorrow, I'm going to sit down and do a "for real" blog post.  I have a 4 day weekend and tomorrow is day two!  yippie!!

show me the place

this week has been a gong show.  and I'm not dealing very well, at all.  I'm not sleeping very well and I'm keeping it all up in my neck and back.  I'm sore and I'm tired.  and between all the crazy, I'm definitely keeping to the plan as well as I could...I need to drink more water!!

that said, john is scheduled for eye surgery tomorrow.  hopefully in the next month he'll have been accepted into the police department for training.  I want this sooooo badly for him!  and, I had my own job drama this week.  I interviewed for a new position this week {the job I've been in training for, in the same school I already work in} and I found out today that I got the job.  lots of change in this house...it's exciting, scary, crazy and hopefully tonight I'll sleep!!

I'll blog more soon.  I promise.
xo

40.

57 days.  it's everything and nothing all at the same time.  although I'm okay with turning 40 {I really am}, I'm really into kicking decades off with a bang.  so 56 days until the big party!  and in those 56 days, many things need to happen.  starts with a job interview {tuesday} and ends with packing for the big school move.  oh, and 16+ soccer games, two papers, report cards, ipps, and john hopefully passing his second exam!

yeah.  super crazy!!  just the way I like it, apparently.

that said, you know all those goals I set last week?  well they've morphed a bit.  and have held me accountable all week.  the water thing has been definitely better than it has been in a long time.  hydration is a good thing {shocking, eh?}.  that and I discovered that I can't do gluten-free AND sugar-free at the same time.  but I can do gluten-free and I can avoid most fake sugar.  and it feels good.  really good.  plus, I was down 4lbs this morning and that feels good too.  I know that -4 won't happen every week, but it feels good to be on track.  again.

this week, between class, soccer games, john on nights, eye surgery and a job interview, I am going to put the shoes on and do at least one walk.  small goals.  goals I can be successful with.

okay.  off to bathe the boys.
xoxo

birds of a feather

okay peeps.  true confessions tonight.

I am in a serious, no SERIOUS funk.  I swear I've put on 5lbs in just as many days.  I feel lethargic.  tired. stressed.  I am unfun.  the fun-sucker.  I don't even have the energy to self analyze.  that said, I need to self analyze.

and perhaps set some mini-goals.

1.  I will drink four venti {20 oz} glasses of water per day.  for the next seven days.
2.  I will eat completely gluten free.  for the next seven days.  {I've been MAINLY doing this, but I've been cheating.  and I can tell.  not so hard to do, just need to keep at it.}
3.  I will stop eating all fake sugar.  and white sugar.  and added sugar.  for the next seven days.  which means no diet coke with my booze.  which may just mean no booze.  {yes, I get the irony}
4.  and in seven days, I'm going to let you know how I feel.

sometimes you just need to change the behaviour, even though the heart just isn't into it.  know what I mean?  I feel icky right now.  bloaty.  and I'm owning every cupcake that passed my lips this past week.  they were DELISH.  but for the next seven days, I'm going to just own these changes.

'cause the next week is going to be CRAZY!!!!!  soccer starts.  I have to teach {no more student teacher.  super sad}.  john's on days.  class on monday.  book that won't just read itself - for the monday class.  maybe a job interview.  ya.  a bit crazy.

and if I can get through one week, then maybe continuing into week two won't look so daunting.  and just maybe I can pull it together to make a walking schedule and start training.  but let's not go nuts in week one!!

who's with me?  who wants to set a goal for this week?

be still

I've been poaching music as of late.  fooling around on the piano more than normal.  procrastinating.  downloading.  morphing.  loving different.

some leonard cohen on a saturday morning!  I am really loving the sound of the civil wars and yesterday I just caved and downloaded the whole album.  I am not normally a folk/country kind of girl, but my tastes in music have been morphing just a bit.  {oh, and I'm listening to a live - and very free from their website - album as I write this!}

do we want to talk about the fact that I'm falling in love with the fray?  didn't even know who they were before wednesday night and I totally shazamed a song from the end of criminal minds.  and I LOVE.  oh, and I may have taught myself how to play it on the piano.  yeah, you know I did.

oh and I have I introduced you to alex clare?  yeah.  I've been holding out!  I can't remember the last time my ipod saw such an influx of music!!


have you figured out how much of a nerd I am yet?  I'm not making any apologies for my geekyness, but I'm thinking some of you may have figured it out.  or at least become suspicious!  here are some signs that at less than 90 days before my 40th birthday that I am indeed more geek than cool:

1.  yes, I bought a ukulele {and extra strings for it!!}.  and to be clear, I bought it for school, so I can teach the kids how to play it.
2.  I'm hoping to learn get some "how to play" tips from this "for real" ukulele from a guy this month.  or maybe that's next month.  regardless, I'm excited!
3.  I'm jonesing to spend some time on a long board.  I wish I had the $300+ dollars I'd need to buy a new one.  not too sure why I'm thinking of that today.  we had another dump of snow.  yes.  on april 14th.  strange, strange spring here.
4.  I record music that I like and send it to my friends.  yeah, I spent some time on the keyboard yesterday and recorded a song I've been working on.  it's not a song I wrote or anything, just one I poached.  it needs some work, but it's a me song.
5.  I saw the hunger games for the second time tonight.  I've also seen the girl with the dragon tattoo twice.  {see?  GEEK!}
6.  I read mystery books to avoid school work.  I have a research project, an article review and other class stuff to do.  in order to avoid doing this work, I've read 8-10 paperback mysteries.
7.  I try to escape the house, kids and husband at least once a week and I hide out at the starbucks down the road.  me, my book and my ipod.  it's how I deal with stress.  it's been two weeks.  so unlike me!
8.  I have starwars figures and lego men that hang out on my desk at school.  they hang out with my prime minister action figures. {y'all know this...I've talked about it before!}
9.  I drink my saturday morning smoothies out of a purple pirate cup.
10.  I'm abnormally excited that there is a doc marten store opening up at the mall.
11.  and I drink my saturday morning coffee out of my las vegas starbucks mug.

I had always figured that by 40 I'd be cooler than I am.  turns out that I'm totally okay with my inner geek.  maybe geek is the new cool.  or maybe I have under 90 days to change?  HECK NO!  I like my quirks.  I'm good with me.  and that's all cool.


geek.  me.  happy.

sanctuary

so I did this thing a while back.  a wee podcast.  not too sure if you'd be interested in listening, but it's here, if you want to listen...

so.  how are you???  what's new?  tell all... {YES, COMMENT!!!!}

too close

SICK SUCKS!  okay, I am officially a whiner.  I don't get sick often, but when I do, I forget that the sun doesn't rise or set for me.  my world doesn't stop, or slow down when I'm sick.  full pace.  all day long!!  my lovely children were amazing this morning.  they were up at 8 and they let me sleep until 10.  and they made their own breakfast:  popcorn and fibre one bars.  I can live with that in exchange for two extra hours of sleep.

sick or not, that didn't stop me from from getting on the longboard last night.  I need to buy myself a longboard.  there is seriously no feeling like it.  just the pavement, the wind and the board.  it's amazing.

 {it honestly doesn't even look like I'm riding down the road.  but I am.  trust me.}

 {the open road}

who would have thought that learning to ride a longboard at 39 would be my thing?  not me.  I may need to invest in a new pair of shoes...'cause I sure don't really rock the skater image!  maybe that's putting the cart before the horse since I'm still using a borrowed board.

and then this morning, in the quest of the perfect americano, the kids and I went with a friend to a new cafe - wild earth cafe.  although my cold-enhanced-wonky taste buds are not in their finest form, it was a good, good americano.  when this beast leaves my chest, I'll have to go back to confirm!  half a cinnamon bun was all I could muster.  and yes, I know, it's not gluten-free.  it's hard when I eat out to find stuff that fits the gluten-free lifestyle.  that and I don't get deathly ill when I eat wheat in the morning.  I'm still playing with all of this.  sigh.  the coffee was great.

and then just like that, the week is over.  and I feel like it hasn't even really been a week off.  yeah.  I'm whining again.  I'll stop.
xoxo

up all night

it's spring break around here.  a whole week off...and of course, I'm sick.  a massive cold of nastiness!!  so frustrating!  regardless, I was in the office on friday last week and I didn't have a chance to spend a lot of time with my students, so they left me this:  

{they're good kids!} 

 {this is about 12 hours BEFORE I got sick.  I don't think I could have prevented it, but I sure wish I could have!!}

{so the girls and I road tripped it down to calgary for an overnight shopping trip.  less than three hours in the car and we were in shopping heaven.  the poor girls had to endure a night of drugged up coughing, but it was worth it...I think!!}

{new shoe splurge}

so I did two weeks of gluten free eating to support one of my friends.  turns out, I think gluten and I have issues.  for me, no wheat = no belly aches.  not that I have severe issues all the time, but even the occasional severe bout of stomach ache isn't a great way to live, right?  so I'm thinking I need to change the way I eat - again.  I always blamed dairy and coffee for the icky, but dairy and coffee aren't giving me grief when I'm not eating wheat.  very curious!  so perhaps I continue down this path.  it's not even that I miss bread, but I miss cookies.  ha!  my only huge issue is that gluten free eating is often high fat/calorie.  so I need to go the route of lean proteins and lots of fruits and veggies.  which means I need a plan.  and I'm sick, so I think I'll give it a couple of days until this cold clears and I can think again.

oh, and then there's the half marathon training that needs to start.  {are you feeling my enthusiasm?}

the irish rover

happy st. patrick's day.  my favourite holiday of the year...mainly because I wish I was irish.  oh, that and john and I consider it our unofficial anniversary.  twelve years this year.  HOLY DINAH!

and to celebrate, I'm making dinner.  roast chicken, some sort of potato concoction that I invented and chocolate pudding.  and red wine.  and we're just going to chill.  which is fine with me.

so just to commemorate, I am going to post a picture of my left boob.  {yeah, don't hate!!  I'm a dolt and I know it!}

oh. and just to redeem the boob picture, I'll post this too:

yes, it's the final scene of my all time favourite show.  and a song that I LOVE by delta spirit {devil knows you're dead}

xo

once in a lifetime

so I've been avoiding blogging lately.  not because I don't have anything to say, but because there seems to be too much to say.  between teachers convention at the beginning of this month {I'll get to that!} to lent {I suck at this} to school stresses {nothing new, just more} to this whole kony2012 business...well, my head has been full!

so.  teachers convention.  well, for once, it was good.  it's always good - in a social, let's visit and do lunch kind of way.  however, the sessions usually suck.  and this year, they didn't.  thursday morning opened with romeo dallaire speaking.  now, I have heard him speak before, so there weren't any real surprises, but it was good to hear his message again.  there is a quote of his that I have hanging in my classroom:  "are all humans human?...or are some humans more human than others".  I have this hanging in my classroom for a couple of reasons, but mainly it's to remind me daily to treat the kids I teach with dignity and respect.  always.  and when push comes to shove they are the only way I get to change my world {okay, that and the two I own!}.  and I want them to leave my classroom at the end of the time there and know that regardless of their disabilities, that they are as human as anyone else.

and then this kony2012 thing exploded and I watched it.  and shared it.

and here's my thought:  people are talking.  they may not know what to do, but a disconnect is happening.  and through a disconnect comes change.  and although I am not an advocate of war, I am an advocate of standing up for human rights.  and I'm not talking about the ridiculous complaints that we complain about in our crazy rich province, but for the basic human rights of ALL human beings.  the right to clean water.  the right to safety.  the right to protect your children.  the right to let your children play outside without the threat of kidnapping or rape.  it's a reality for so many mom's on this planet.  and quite frankly, it's not fair.  and I'm not just talking north-ish africa, but I'm talking about the little girls sold into the sex trade in asia.  the indentured slaves in india.  and about the boys in afghanistan trained as suicide bombers.  it's not just an africa problem.  it's a world problem.  and maybe it's the cause du jour.  or maybe we have let this all happen because it's easier.  it's easy to isolate.  it's easy not to open our eyes to the plight of the world.  it's super easy.  and it's wrong.  if there is anything {in my opinion} that has come out of the twitter, facebook and blog EXPLOSION in the last week, is that people are talking about africa.  a continent that gives us little to no resources.  a continent that has no economic influence on our western economies.  but a continent full of human beings - as broken and hurting as we are on the other side of the world.

okay.  I'm gonna stop {for real...like right after I make this point!}.  the question is what do we do?  it's good to be in the know, but my issue has always been wondering where to go with the information I have.  it's one thing to be ignorant, but it's another thing to be in the know, then do nothing with the information.  and now, we're all in the know.  and this is the time to do something.  when I was first faced with all of this info, I read everything I could get my hands on - everything on rwanda.  everything on the lost boys of the sudan.  everything on the plight of aids in africa.  EVERYTHING!  {go hard or go home right??}  and then I got a world vision kid that lives in rwanda.  and I support an organization called IJM that works to end modern day slavery. and I work to live out justice in my everyday life.  that's what works for me.  is this kony thing perfect?  no.  am I doing enough?  probably not.  am I doing more today with the knowledge I have than I was before?  I hope so.

okay.  I'm really going to stop.  ha!  and I'm going to leave you with a quote I found today {and maybe I posted it elsewhere...!}:

"Go now to make a difference in this perilous and broken world.
  May you all hold each human life in the same regard as your own.
  May you bring serenity and peace to the lives of others.
  May God's Loving Spirit go with you and guide you this day and always.
  Amen." 
- Convocation Benediction Given by The Rev. Brian Yealland,
  Queen's University, 30 October 2003.

and be the change you want to see in your world {maybe ghandi said that...}.  change the world with you dollars.  and your voice.  and your passion for peace and justice.

crocodile tears

I had a good plan for a post today.  just can't remember what that was!  maybe it's time for a list...

1.  five days of lent.  {okay, the fifth day isn't over...}  regardless, it's not been awful.  I had a couple of slip ups {mainly in the sugar department}, but the headaches are generally gone.

2.  my report cards were finished early.

3.  I didn't do any of the work I brought home with me this weekend.  I'm not really sure why I bother, other than hopeful intention.

4.  I did finish {okay, I started it on saturday AND finished it on saturday} the written portion of a podcast I was suppose to have written, submitted and recorded over a week ago {grrr!}.

5.  it snowed a mountain of white stuff this weekend.  FINALLY!  we've had almost no snow this winter, so this is kinda nice.  that said, it has taken a large measure of patience to navigate the roads this weekend.  by this afternoon, the sun was shining and sparkling off the white, white bits of loveliness.

6.  I'm watching the oscars right now.  I am a total junkie for awards shows.  and now I love octavia spencer.  L.O.V.E.

7.  I have a confession to make:  I am starting to like tea.  as an avid coffee drinker, I've never hopped on the tea train.  ever.  but because my belly has been bugging me lately, I've been drinking tea after lunch and after dinner.  I still don't love it, but I sure like it.  I take back all my words about tea being flavoured water.

8.  I can't think of another thing.  I'm going to find a picture that sums up my week...

yep.  that's my week.

antics

so lent starts tomorrow.

I'm trying to avoid it.  two years ago I gave up meat [all meat?  not sure.  beef for sure].  and it changed my life...well, the way I eat.  I never went back to beef.  okay, except for the random cheeseburger when the craving for mcdonalds gets to be too much.  I'm a flake.  I know.

needless, why is it that every year I feel the need to give up booze?  I did it last year, I can do it this year, right?  and what if john & I go to vegas over spring break...a mere week before easter?  EEEEEKKKKK!  for real?  then there's my sugar addiction.  I love sweets.  I love fake sugar.  I love diet coke.  I love all-organic peanut butter melted with chocolate chips and pretzels.

that said, I need this body to get me to at least 40 + 1 day.  or maybe +40.  right?  oh, and then there's the little issue of the 10lbs that I need to knock off my arse.

k.  fine.  no refined sugar.  no fake sugar.  no booze.  HOWEVER, if some miracle happens and we do go to vegas, me and my smaller arse are going to drink.  and have a dessert or three.

I can do this, right?  HEELLLLPPPPP!!!  lol

so lent starts tomorrow.  if you see me in public, just keep walking.  the first few days are going to be rough.

jimmy no more

so, my dear friend susan did a "did you know" thing on her blog.  it was a bit of a get-to-know me {her} thing and it was really lovely.  so I asked her if I could poach the idea and of course she said yes!  yeah!!  then I started thinking about it.  there isn't a lot that people don't know about me!  shocking.  so maybe I talk a bit.  or a lot.  but maybe, just maybe I can come up with a short list.

I love to read.  okay, that's not really news.  I am totally addicted to mystery books.  they are always my first choice!

I have a venti americano every workday morning.

I don't love my kobo reader.  I prefer books with paper.

I don't love scrapbooking.  I like making other things with paper.  like cards.

I hate baths.  and love the shower.

I can't decide if I really like straight hair on me.  it always feels a bit flat and blah-ish.

and then I can't really figure out all the compliments I get after I straighten it.

I've been trying to lose 10lbs for over a year now.  apparently I'm doing something wrong.

I love chocolate.  not just any chocolate, but dark chocolate.

my closet is colour coded.

I don't think I match most days {and I usually realize this when I get to school, not when I'm getting dressed}.

my non-matching issues have lead to a closet that is half full of grey and black clothes.

I watched the entire four hours of the whitney houston funeral.  and I could recognize {and name a song of} all but one of the artists that performed.

I wish I was irish.

I feel broke all the time.

poor grammar {especially spoken grammer} drives me CRAZY!

if I had millions of dollars I'd take care of my friends and family.

sometimes I feel alone in a room full of people.

most days I like me.  other days I confuse myself.

ship to shore pt 2

love this song.  I'm thinking it's an acquired taste.  ha!!

ship to shore

I have a new band.  or at least a new song.  gonna find that video and post it for you {maybe not in this post, since this one is HUGE}.

however, that's not what I was going to blog about today!!!  I decided this week {valentines day, in fact} that I was going to chronicle my day through iPhone pictures.  and I wanted to share them with y'all.  so on this quiet saturday morning {okay, it's afternoon already, but you know what I mean!!}, finishing a pot of coffee, watching whitney houston's funeral, and eating a half eaten bag of pepper and vinegar kettle chips, I'm going to post my day.  I'll try to explain the pictures as I go...I had started adding captions to them at the start of the day, but that stopped happening sometime around noon, I think!!

basically I used two different apps - instagram and camera+.  I like camera+ because there are some good editing tools in it...and editing pictures is FUN!

 {love my chalkboard wall!}

 {630 am.  holy dark eye makeup!!}

 {in the car right on time}

 {no lineup at starbucks}

 {every morning.  same drink.}

 {I love that the sun is up by the time I get to school}

 {I know y'all are DYING to see my classroom door!!}

 {and my action figures...}

 {'cause I'm a dork.}

 {one of my student gave me this chocolate}

 {got these "flowers" from my students, via the kindergarten kidlets!!}

 {the drawer is a bit safe right now, but not always...it's a total hodgepodge of stuff}

 {my key ring...}

 {got this from a grade 7 boy}

 {yep.  my class went to the library.}

 {tea after lunch}

 {jr high dance.  nothing rocks v-day like watching teenagers dance!}

 {my classroom at the end of the day}

 {saw these at save-on.  I love tulips.}

 {in the car.  the sun is still shining.}

 {my favourite boots}

 {if one needs a coffee at the end of a long day, an espresso con panna is the way to go.  especially if the shots are ON TOP!}

 {finally the boots are off}

 {standing in the kitchen making dinner.  penne alfredo with italian sausage}

 {the "making dinner" drink}

 {my jewellery.  I can't cook when I'm wearing all the gear!}

 {nate's valentines day envelope}

 {ty's love box!}

 {the wine with dinner}

{kisses}

I think there was one more picture of me looking completely BAGGED at the end of the day, but conveniently it's gone missing!  but there you have it.  a small glimpse into my wee life.  somehow there were no pictures of small boys in their red t-shirts and red socks, nor were there any husband pictures.  alas, they ate the dinner.  and showed up with wine.  it was all good!!

what if we could?

so, two months ago I was walking a half marathon.  a crazy race that was like the day that never ended.  and yesterday, 60 days after walking 21.1km in 3:30, I put my shoes on and walked 3.2k in 30 minutes.  and although I felt like I couldn't walk another step, it felt good to get back on the treadmill.  when all is said and done, I am up one lone pound from race day.  and all things considered, I'm okay with that.  kinda.

so I have a plan.  I turn 40 in just over five months and I have a goal.  I am going to hit the treadmill once a week for the next five weeks.  and I am going to work my ass off to be down 10 pounds in the next five weeks.  march 11th.  10 seems doable.  possible.

so, with a week of crazy just beginning, I am going to cut all fake sugar out of my diet.  and booze.  again. and I'm going to just do this thing one week at a time.  or one day at a time.  because I am just going to focus on putting healthy food into my body.  and I think that I can do five weeks of no junk.  and I'm really sure that I can do tomorrow.  and maybe that's all that matters.

nova baby

...I'll just continue from yesterday {which is still today, but I'm pretending it's tomorrow so my tenses are going to be TOTALLY off}

so I kinda thought I could shake the thought in my head.  I wanted to shake it.  I still want to shake it.  now I am a fairly rational, semi-intelligent girl.  and I know that the crap in my past lies dormant for a lot of the time.  and I know darn well that I can continue on auto-pilot for a long, long time when necessary.  but in a week that was one of pinching pennies and driving to and from work in seriously sub-zero conditions in a car that is in dire need of an oil change, that thought wouldn't leave my mind.

and then sunday reached again.  and honestly, the last few days have been miserable.  I've been miserable.  discontented.  ask my kids.  there has been a lot of yelling the last few days.  I want silence, but I can't seem to find it long enough to think.  but today {I mean yesterday...whatever!} I was playing the piano at church.  couldn't really get out of that, and wouldn't considering how much I love it.  and today, dean talked about being significant.  that we matter.  that we are loved.  and not replaceable.  and the voice in my head said "see?  told ya so."  and then I got a lot of "I love you.  all of you.  all of the mess and the cranky and the angry and the hurt.  all of you."  honestly, at this point, I pull out my phone in the middle of church and check facebook just to distract myself.  so I get through all of that, play the piano, talk to a few people and get out.  but it just won't let up.  and then tonight, I did my usual sunday night thing.  only on crosspoint we were talking about forgiveness.  shit.  and it started with a video, a story of a man who had been sexually abused as a child.  and I believe my comment was, "this hits close to home."  and then I started talking.  and I realize that I need to forgive myself for being such a schmuck.  and I need to stop being so angry at God.  people are broken.  the person who molested me was broken.  we live in a broken world.  and it's time to just forgive.  and see my significance again.  like I did before I was abused.  the past has held me in bondage for so long.  and I so I wrestle with God.  and refuse to surrender.  but I am broken.  and apparently loved.  and in need of grace.

and because this is all I know at this time, I think I'll stop and see what this week turns up.

stop stop

my title tribute to the black keys continues.  I am totally hoping that I win a contest where the winner gets a trip to nashville to see the black keys in concert.  THAT would rock my world!

so it's time to talk about my word for 2012.  I was so shocked that "surrender" ended up being my word for the year, that I've been kinda avoiding it.  actually, I've totally been avoiding it!  and in this, perhaps it's time to share part of my story.  part of my heart.  since it seems like everything is in perfect alignment as of late.

like I've mentioned before, last years word was grace.  and I think I'll just quote myself {how arrogant, eh?} from my dec 29th post:

I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding.  you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold.  and no one is gonna give up the fight.  I have been tantruming for a long time.  we all know that.  I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time. 

and then, grace shows up. 

and she showed me who she was.  and I don't feel worthy.  so I fight.  and I think right now, we're in the cage.  me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing.  her with her moves.  those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve.  and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch.  so right now, I'm in a headlock.  she's fierce.  powerful.  relentless.  and I need to cave soon.  I am tired.  weak.  worn.  and totally in need of grace.  far beyond what I can even comprehend.  I need her to be my new best friend.  to be part of my essence.  part of a new way of doing business.  grace has kicked my ass this year.  and I'm still not getting it.  I am effing dumb sometimes.  that's not new news either.

and wow.  two days later the word "surrender" took me by surprise.  it came to me as clear as day.  the word.  the scripture.  the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that I needed to listen, because this was a big deal.  so a couple of days later I committed to it.  said it out loud.  then walked away.

and in the last couple of weeks I just thought I could forget.  like if I didn't talk about it, it would go away.  that said, I've had a couple of interesting things happen.  first, I go to a great church.  I love the people and we've found community there.  the last few weeks, dean has been preaching on being worthy.  something I struggle enormously with.  and if I'm really honest with myself, I came up with a lame ass excuse to avoid going last week because I hate hearing how worthy I am.  'cause in my head/heart, I am not.  but apparently I am not meant to avoid things.  I woke up that morning with a strange thought in my mind:  "I love you and I'll take care of you."  repeating over and over again.

then move up the timeline by half a day.  I've been spending my sunday nights on my computer hanging out with the people at crosspoint {in nashville} via their internet campus.  I started joining in the chat portion before christmas.  so, this particular sunday was about {total summation!} pleasing God vs. trusting God.  okay.  I don't trust God.  yes, I go to church.  yes, I believe that he died for me and that I have eternal life in heaven.  yes, I know that I am flawed and exceptionally broken.  but I don't trust that God has good things for me.  so subsequently, I do my own thing.  and apparently, it's not going so well.  financially we're not doing good.  I am fighting with john ALL THE TIME {even though he doesn't even know it half of the time}.  I am a mess.  I am a mess.  if I take my eyes off the mess, I can see clearly that I don't trust anyone but myself.

and yet the thought pounding through my head was, "I love you and I'll take care of you."

k.  this is long.  I'll post the rest tomorrow...

never stop

found this today, via the sweet mandy.  I've listened to it about five or six times now.  and cried through the entire first three minutes.  it is so the prayer of my heart.  okay, that and the harmonies kick some serious ass.



off to investigate further...