getting in tune

maybe today will be list-like.  just 'cause.

1.  I've been making {okay, in some cases just assembling} a lot of food lately.  I've been working hard to eat cleaner and healthier and cheaper.  ha!  so I've been scouting pinterest [follow me & I'll follow you!  my name is corifraser72.  shocking, I know.] and trying a bunch of gluten-free recipes out.  I made some granola bars for the kids {HUGE HIT!} and I tried some vegan cornbread and pizza inspired quinoa.  super yum!  and, in the vein of the whole pinterest thing, I created some ice cream sandwiches and made them look pretty!  The boys picked out cookies and ice cream and I slapped them together.  then I needed a way that the kids could eat them without as big of a mess as I could anticipate, so I wrapped them in wax paper.  HOWEVER, have you ever tried taping wax paper and throwing it in the freezer?  doesn't work.  string worked.  and looked kinda cool!  mom of the year.  that's what award I'm apparently going for.

2.  John & I went to the football game on friday night.  we lost.  but we had fun.  we haven't been in the same space for that long {like four whole hours!} in FOREVER!  our schedules have been not super coordinated as of late.  it's been a lot of spelling each other off with the kids and not a lot of us in the same space.  he's studying for his police exam {it's on saturday...do or die!  eeekkkk!} and I've been spending a lot of hours at school.  throw in shift work and voila! living in the same house as someone and not ever seeing them!  alas, it was nice to spend the evening together.

3.  I've been actively avoiding dealing with some shit lately.  I've stalled.  and then I got an email from a friend that has catapulted my head into action.  and my heart is now yearning for change.  I am hopeful, where two years ago I was hopeless.  I've said it before, but I suck at maintaining relationships.  and I got called out on it.  big time.  this isn't new news to me, but it's hard to see it in print.  I like to flee.  I read this post last night, and preston may as well been talking about me.  when things get hard, I run.  it's been a big part of my history.  I run, I avoid, I move.  this summer, without really realizing it, I've confronted it.  kinda.  

every summer I make a plan to get rid of the kids.  I justify it with "I need a break" or "they like playing with their friends" or "I can't do the stay at home mom thing".  list the excuse, I've made it.  this summer, with what started out as financial reasons more than anything, I've kept the kids home with me.  they did swimming lessons, ty did hockey camp, they had sleep overs with cousins and grandmas, but for the most part, we've been home.  and although I ran away to vegas for seven days at the start of the summer, and although I have completed NOTHING on my to do list, I've spent the summer in the same space as my kids.  working on being a mom.  a better mom.  not running away from it.  and {wait for the shocking part...}, I've kinda enjoyed it.  yes, my kids are older.  I can kick them outside to play when I'm having a day.  but it's been nice.

I bring this up because the email I got last week had something in it that has stuck with me.  it goes along the lines of this:  no matter what people say they value, you can be sure by what they choose.  I've not been great at choosing anything but myself.  I've been selfish with my choices.  and it negatively affects my relationships.  all of them.  the relationships I've started to choose over my selfish desires are those I have with my children.  john is a bit more complicated...as in, I'm not his mother and therefore do not have supreme control over his life...HA!!  but we're trying to work on that too.  {the relationship, not me having supreme control!!}

I have not nurtured any relationships in my life for a long time.  friends.  family.  kids.  husband.  and it's time to stop running away.  because there are some pretty great people in my life.  I just need to open my heart up to those relationships instead of bolting.  all the friggin' time.

and right now, these are the people that I'm looking to surround me in this journey.  the people who are grace.  people who send tough emails.  people who call me on my shit.  people that journey with me.

a wise person once told me that change isn't in the knowing, but in the doing.  and right now, it's putting one foot in front of the other.  and not towards the back door.

survivor

yes, I've fallen off the face of the earth (aka I'm back at work and my world is not my own!). it's been a busy couple of weeks. I'll give you the low-down via pictures! {and they are terribly out of order; just work with me on this!}

{edmonton folk music festival - night time on the hill}

{the lake}

{discovering the barr brothers at folk fest.  they are AMAZING}

{the zoo with the smalls}

{ty & I, feet in the water, before the storm}

{unpacking new xylophones & metallophones at school}

{the plan for august...with most of the stuff on it!}

{the cabin after the storm...it was CRAZY!}

{my fave zoo picture - on the little stone elephants, watching the elephants}

in the last two weeks:  the boys and I drove almost 8 hrs over 48 hrs, we survived a violent, sudden storm at the lake, we survived a mosquito swarming, I helped my sunburn along {grrrr}, I sat on a hill in the dark, listening to music, I made the kids come and watch jim cuddy play on a side stage, we played with cousins {first cousins & second cousins...and some sleepovers were involved, and bale hopping}, and I've unpacked {with some help} a library, a textbook room, a music room {okay, well it should be done today!} and a drama room.

it's been good to spend time with the kids.  and it's good to be back at work.  so, now I must find coffee...have a great day, peeps!!

penny lane

I'm feeling really out of sorts tonight.  and not just because I have the sun burn from HELL {totally my own fault.  I own this one.} and the mosquito bites from a place worse than hell.  my spirit is restless.  and lonely.  and just really out of sorts.

this isn't new.  I experience this feeling on a fairly cyclical basis.  only I'm usually too busy to take notice and the feeling passes.  apparently being out of sorts when one is not working kinda forces a person to take a closer look.

I have an enormous fear that looms high above my head.  like dark, foreboding clouds that hang in the sky, never giving way to rain, just sitting there, blocking the sun.  and this week it got pointed out and I had to give it a name.  it's almost by giving it a name, by giving it being, I have the ability to squish it like the little bug that it is.  I fear rejection.  I live to please others in hopes of not being rejected.  I know that this may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you {okay, well it surprised me a bit}, as I usually come off as quite confident and outgoing with my usual "I don't give a rat's ass" attitude, but fear drives much of what I do.  when I let it.

someone along the way once told me that I wasn't good enough.  and I believed it. it cripples most of everything I do and think.  I literally over-achieve or under-achieve based on my perceived success.  does that make sense?  there is a duality to my thinking.  I am super confident and overly bold in my professional life.  I rarely second guess my choices at work.  I'm a total geeky over achiever when it comes to my career.  in a lot of other areas, I often don't try things because I am so afraid of being rejected.  being laughed at.  being told I suck.  being told to stop showing up.  it makes me very reserved in my relationships.  and in the last few weeks, I've succumbed to it and it made me feel unwanted.  uncared for.  unloved.

I know that so much of this comes from the negative self-talk I'm working really hard to break.  and I know that it is also about my perception.  the bottom line is that it comes from a place of fear.  I do not want to spend the next 40+ years feeling afraid.  I'm not too sure why in the last few weeks I've been placed in a position where I have had to face rejection on such a big scale.  and my response?  feel sorry for myself.  ha!  {yeah, I'm not joking...}  but rejection is often a perception of reality.  pain that others wear.  a lack of communication.  but my heart takes a blow every time, especially when the clouds of fear are lurking closer than they should.

well, I'm done.  totally and completely done.  I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will always tear into a situation with my opinion and with as much honesty as I can muster.  the bottom line is that I cannot let this fear change who I am.  I am the kind of person who isn't always guarded and I like that about myself.  I'm done with letting fear label me.

talk about wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm going to go bury myself in my book until these storm clouds pass.  I'm counting on some sun tomorrow.

eight days a week

I have some new summer loves.  thought I'd share!

1.  the chew.  CLINTON KELLY.  do I need to say more??  I have it set on my pvr.  it's cooking.  it's crafting.  it's fun.  I don't usually watch daytime tv {yeah, 'cause I work!} and in the summers, it's usually all about csi and criminal minds reruns.  and now, I have the chew.  LOVE!

2.  batman.  FOR FLIPPIN' REAL.  I have never really bought into the batman craze.  I liked the other movies, but JF & I went to see the dark knight rises last night and I loved it.  k.  and anne hathaway as catwoman?  she kicked ass.  loved.

3.  RDJ.  why is this a new obsession for me?  I had a strange dream about him the other night.  I've decided that he's my new boyfriend.  I'm stealing him from e.  and I may re-watch the iron man movies.

4.  maeve binchy.  she passed away today.  I've read almost all of her books.  I've never been to Ireland, but she takes me there every time.  circle of friends.  light a penny candle.  I may have to re-read my faves.  oh, and have you seen the movie "circle of friends" {1995 friends!!}??  chris o'donnell & minnie driver.  and the the song "you're the one" written and sung by shane macgowan of the pogues.  L.O.V.E.

oh, you know I found the video.  my tribute to maeve binchy.  go read one of her books.

and I'll leave that at that for today.  I'm going to finish watching the chew and drinking my coffee.  have a great tuesday, peeps!!

I want to hold your hand

so, my sweet nate turned nine last weekend.  I'm quite sure that I've missed some years somewhere, and possibly some inches.  I know everyone says, "where does the time go?", but honestly, I remember bringing him home from the hospital like it was yesterday.  I remember my water breaking in evie's kitchen.  driving myself to the hospital because she doesn't drive a standard.  trying to get a hold of john because he was in school at the time.  induction.  emergency c-section.  not being able to manage the pain afterwards, but clueless how to find someone to help me!  having the nurses take him for the night so I could sleep.  breast feeding.  trying to breast feed.  having a stranger grab my boob and just STUFF it in his mouth.  ha!  and wondering when his real parents were going to come and get him because I was done babysitting.  it seems like it was yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.

and I remember his first birthday, when he only weighed 17 lbs and was considered "failure to thrive".  he had lost weight and was throwing up any food I would give him.  it was a relief when we found out that he had allergies.  and a bigger relief when a year later he had caught up with his weight and out-grown all of his food allergies.

and now he's nine.  still a little boy, but struggling to be his own person.  he is kind and sweet and good.  he has a kind heart that wants to give to those around him.  but he's fearful - sometimes scared to be his own person.  I worry sometimes that his sensitive spirit will be crushed.  even by my own words.

he still kisses me goodnight.  holds my hand in a busy place.  hugs me goodbye.  is the first person to call me on my birthday.  still sleeps with his bear-bear.  he's clever with numbers and has been known to create amazing pieces of artwork {only at school, of course!}.  he's my soccer player with a coveted left kick and he has a knack of knowing where the play in the game is going.  everyone wants to be his friend.  he loves sports and telling jokes.

he is a good kid; I am lucky to be his mom.  and my prayer for him is that he grows up to be a good man.  that he doesn't cave to peer pressure.  that he does what he knows is right.

happy birthday, my sweet boy.  I love you love you.

here comes the sun

in honour of the summer olympics, british song titles for the duration!!

I realized tonight that I didn't ever do a birthday post for nate.  I'll do that in the morning.  {I got some decent pictures of him on his actual birthday but they're on the big camera...I have to move them.}

this week has been a tad busier than last week...

{hockey camp for the wee tyrone.  he LOVES it.  why am I shocked?}

{ty and I met some friends for a movie.  it's nice when I get time alone with just one kid!}

{I went to see mary poppins with my mom, two of my sisters and my niece.  it was AMAZING!}

{the remainder of my cards from saturday...I gifted one set to my sister for her birthday}

I realized sometime on sunday that I had double posted some of my card pics...sorry about that!  I had coffee at the movie tonight.  yeah.  I am nowhere near tired.  oh, and I joined pinterest.  damn it all.

stars

I crafted today.  as in I actually went downstairs, turned on the lights and made new cards.  I used new stuff, old stuff, not yet released stuff.  and if I was a good stampin' up demonstrator, I'd list it all.  I'm not that good.  ha!  I even used retired stuff and quite frankly, I don't care.  pretty is pretty.  that said, I'm in LOVE with this bohemian paper business.  it's vibrant and LOVELY.  I made two of these cards today and the rest are from the last month...

{made this one today.  I think the celebrate stamp is in the new mini.  I regret the green I used; I usually take more care with my matching!!}

{made this two weeks ago...it's just happy!}

{made this one in june...I borrowed this set.  I like the results!}

{I over processed this photo a bit, but you get the idea.}

{another typewriter one...}

{made this one with new stuff...two weeks ago}

{another one I made today...a bit of old stuff with some new colours and a new stamp set!}

and I'm going to head down there again and see what else inspires me!  I'm just needing the break...

runaways

y'all know the love I have for the killers, right?  I have a fangirl crush on brandon flowers.  my dream concert.

new song, dudes.  I love.  it sounds a bit like brandon flowers' solo stuff and in my books, that's ALL good!!  flamingo is one of my all time favourite albums.  the new album comes out in september, I think.  yippie!!

enjoy!

one foot

saw this today:

I have met some incredible people along this journey.  and so often I forget to express my appreciation. for those of you that have laughed with me, thank you.  for those of you that have ducked when the f-word is flying, thank you.  for those of you that have told me to get a grip, thank you.  for those of you that have said no, thank you.  for those of you that have just let me cry in the dark, thank you.  for those of you that have extended a hand, thank you.  for those of you that have embodied grace, thank you.

I am so destination driven that I forget that the journey is really who you meet while we're all struggling just to put one foot in front of the other.  it's about relationships.  and I suck at those.

some of us have journeyed a long way and some just a short distance.  regardless, the imprint that is made in my heart is just that.  an imprint.  permanent.  lasting.  and each of you compels me to be a better person.

thank you.

all alright

okay.  I need a whining moment.  being sick sucks.  I'm blaming the cigar I smoked last thursday night. I woke up with the start of a tickle in the back of my throat on friday morning.  then add some late nights and "ta-da!" full on sore throat as of monday morning.  and now it's wednesday and I still don't have much of a voice.  and my throat, although not tormenting me at the same level {woohoo, I can swallow without pain!} is still not 100%.  grrr.

I'll stop whining now.

who's in the mood for some good music this morning?  so lately I've been addicted to fun.  the band.

the video is not totally my thing, but I love the song.  in fact, the whole album is pretty good - it was my packing music!  and just maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get sometime in my craft room today and I'll blare my music.  here's to hoping!

home for a rest

I'm pretty sure I've used this as a blog post title before, but it's how I feel.  I always have fun when I go away.  I always enjoy coming home.  yesterday was no exception.  7 days in vegas is almost too much. almost, but not quite!

every time I leave, I learn how much I appreciate what I have at home.  the kids brought little notes/crafts that they made to the airport.  nate held my hand the whole time.  ty wanted a cuddle when we got home.  going away is good.  coming home is better.

I had a lot of "alone with my head" time.  and I feel that emotionally, I've turned a corner.  I am not who I was six months ago.  and I am not the person who was in extreme crisis two summers ago.  I'm definitely not "there" yet, but I am seeing some things with clear eyes.  shit has gone down in my head for the last two years and I am feeling feisty enough {okay, so I'm sick right now, so totally speaking metaphorically!!} to deal.  and admitting this, is monumental in and of itself.  although you know I'm good with working out my stuff on my blog, I can't get all my thoughts straight today - I'm in a meds-induced fog.

so, I'll leave you with some pics and we'll continue this conversation soon.  I promise.

 {the view from our room.  25th floor of the flamingo is always good!}

 {starting out at the mob museum.  totally a great place!}

 {oh, but they put me in a line up.  and told me not to smile.  which made me laugh.}

 {we did a "fancy" dinner one night.  I looked a bit fancy.}

 {love the old, little casinos on fremont street where they pay out in nickels.  I won $10.  in nickels.}

 {then we were given tickets to this show.  it was pretty funny and we were in the second row.  sweet!}

 {on sunday, I dragged leanne to the house of blues for the gospel brunch.  the food was AMAZING; the show wasn't as good as it was the last time I saw it.}

{heading home}

it gets better

I had a big writing plan for tonight, but I have such a massive headache and I just don't know if I can formulate a thought!  I suspect that I didn't drink enough water today and my head is rebelling against the lack of sugar.  grrr.

regardless, lots got done today and I even had a crafting date!!  playing with new paper makes me happy!!

okay, so my big writing plan got derailed, but really, today was a good day...even with a headache!!
I'll try again tomorrow!
xo

carry on

summer vacation.  swimming lessons.  5 more sleeps until 40 {I'm counting it down like the kids!}.  4 more sleeps until the "at the pool in the heat" vacation.  sigh.  I told myself that this week was my do nothing week and I'm having a hard time doing nothing!  my body doesn't seem to know how to be at rest!!

that said, I'm on book two of the "fraser family reading program" which is more like my poor kids having a mother that makes them read and then they get to write down their books on the chalkboard.  not much of a program.  regardless, the teacher in me knows that kids can move backwards in their reading over a summer.  not my kids, damn it.  ha!  we also made a July plan...okay, a kinda plan.  it's more circular than linear, but a way to keep us a bit focused.

well the wind is blowing something fierce and phineas & ferb is on.   love!  oh and the pot of coffee needs drinking.  I do love summer.  have a great day, peeps!

oh, and I threw a link to my "summer project" over there ----> {somewhere...!}  I'll get you better directions!!  ha!

#sexyback12

okay.  here's the link.  and the plan.

I've needed a plan.  a for-real plan.  let's be honest, I've been floundering for a while.

twelve weeks.  june 30 - september 22.  does that sound about right??  or am I counting wrong?  ahhhhh!  caught up in semantics!! what matters is that this challenge hones in on three areas: physical, mental and spiritual.  and yes, I need all three.

so, here are my goals:
physically, I need to lose weight.  I am going for 20 lbs in 12 weeks.  that is just under 2lbs per week.  and, I have a plan to make that happen.  I am going to spend the next 12 weeks focusing on the quality of my food.  gluten-free is working well for me, but I've gotten lazy with the quality of what I eat - not enough fresh fruits and vegetables.  too much added sugar.  I'm going to go back to my clean eating book and re-read that next week.  and I am going to follow it.  also, I am committing to 4 days of exercise per week.  I'm going to just put on my runners and go for some interval walks.

there is one week out of the twelve that I am away.  during that week I am not going to worry about what I eat, but how much I eat.  I have portion issues.  it'll be a good chance to work on portion sizes when I can't completely control the quality of food in the same way I would if I was at home.

mentally, I am going to learn a couple of new instruments this summer.  my ukulele showed up this week {YEAH!!}.  and I have a guitar that wants to be played.  Ty and I are going to learn together.  I'm excited about this.  we're going to learn how to string our guitars, tune them and play them.  he's going to kick my ass.  I know this to be true on SOOOO many levels!!

spiritually, {holy tough one, batman} I have no idea.  okay, I have a bit of an idea, but I don't want to air my sh**.  I chose the word surrender for my 2012 one word.  and I've basically spent the last six months totally ignoring it.  leaving it high on the shelf.  it's time to start dealing with it.  with me.  it's time.  and I've been feeling that this summer needs to be spent restoring relationships - with friends that I don't see enough, with my kids who don't get the best of me in may and june, with my husband.  just spending time.  enjoying.  loving.

and on that note, I've decided to create a separate blog for my weight loss journey.  bring it back.

gold on the ceiling v.2

my sweet baby is 7.  a week ago we celebrated his birthday and he's been celebrating ever since!!  crazy kid.  I always have a bit of a "shutter" on his birthday because I had an awful birthing experience; we've always said that it's a good thing he came out cute.

he is a handful though.  he's hard to parent and difficult to keep my temper around.  but boy does he make me laugh.  his sweet innocence and his passionate spirit are amazing; I hope he never loses those.

he's fierce.  he calls it like he sees it.  he cares about justice and stands up for his friends {and sometimes his brother!}.  he'll fight for what he feels is right.  and when I told him last night that he was only thinking about himself and not about the people around him, he burst into tears and just couldn't understand how I would say such lies {he was jumping on the bed and I had to re-fold the laundry!!}.  for all his exterior toughness, he has a soft heart and I pray that it stays that way.  he doesn't believe everything he's told.  he's good at every sport he tries.  {yeah.  he didn't get that from me!!  he skated the first time he was on the ice and he hit a baseball the first time it was pitched at him}.  he has his father's loyalty and apparently my temper!  he wants to teach himself how to play guitar {we're going to learn together}, because he taught himself how to play the recorder.  he knows lyrics to every song he hears on the radio and the black keys are his current favourite.  he love snorkelling in the bath tub.  he takes planet books out at the library every week.  he reads above grade level and his writing is super interesting.  we like to go skateboarding together.  and we like super heros.  and harry potter.  and after he watches a movie, he makes his brother dress up and play.  he creates his costumes and doesn't care what anyone thinks.  he's a ninja.  a rockstar.  captain america.  harry potter.  iron man.  ty.  t-y.  tyrone.  sweet t.  big t.  mr. t.  my-ty.  and just plain t.

he's capable.  and I love seeing him realize this.

you're mama may be a week late, but happy birthday my little one.  and remember that 7 year old boys still give their moms hugs and kisses.

some nights.

it seems like there's been a lot of counting down lately.  it's keeping our house in focus!  2 more sleeps until ty's 7th birthday {he's SUPER excited!}.  and 2 more days until my report cards are due.  8 more days of kids at school.  10 more days of work.  21 days until the big par-tay.  22 days until I leave for vegas with the girls.  23 days until I'm 40 {I think I've done the math on that correctly!}.

john & I just looked at the calendar and the summer is filling quickly.  two weeks of swim lessons.  a week of soccer camp.  folk fest.  and like that it's going to be over.  so here's my plan:  get through the next two weeks.  and enjoy being home with the boys for the 8 weeks following.  enjoy my week away.  sleep in.  play outside.  and just enjoy being in this great town in the summer.  because maybe being 40 will be less about doing and more about being.  my 30's have been busy!  but I'll save that retrospect for a couple of weeks still.

and today, I'm going to head to school, get those dang report cards done so I can sit and enjoy the rest of my day...

xo

the clock was tickin'

less than a month.  this time next month?  regardless, the big 4-0 is looming.  and honestly, I'm feeling a bit discouraged.  I had big goals.  and for some reason, I always feel compelled to match them to this magic number.  this 40 thing.  so I'm not going to have physical and emotional health in hand.  maybe my goals were a tad lofty, considering the amount of work I would need to do in order to achieve them.  ha!  yeah.  I would need to quit my job.

that said, with only 4 weeks before my birthday, I am going to focus on dropping 10 lbs.  I want to go to vegas and feel half way decent in my bathing suit.  because I plan to spend a week at the pool with my book.

and between now and then?  I have a crap load of work to get done.  I spent four hours packing boxes in my classroom yesterday and that's just the beginning.  the procrastinator in me just loves these deadlines!  however, my papers and assignments all got turned in at the beginning of this week {only 1 day late!} so that's one thing off my plate...

and since report cards don't write themselves, I'd better get the party started!!

miss you all...okay, just miss writing for y'all.  you know what I mean though, right??  just tell me that I don't look a day over 39!!!
xo