Monday, September 13, 2010

me and julio down by the school yard

is that even the title of the song?  little bit of paul simon tonight.

okay boys and girls, it's book review time.  and strangely enough, I'm not even done reading the book!!

Grace is for Sinners by serena woods is a book that I had heard about via all my summer blog hopping. I was drawn to it for many reasons, one being that I can relate to parts of her personal story and two, I can relate to the church part of her story.  so, I ordered it, via my local christian bookstore and started reading it last night.  although I am not quite done [I have three chapters left], I'm thinking that someone is speaking my language.  the language of who I am  - a sinner.  I have struggled for a long, long time with the church's general reaction to sinners.  I have had an extraordinary time trying to reconcile what I've read in the Bible with what I've seen practiced.  part of me is comforted that my experiences are not isolated.  I am not alone.  my upbringing, albeit very different than serena's, ended up in the same place - a place where for years I was proud of my christian accomplishments, not willing to see that I could and would fall.  and my story is embedded in a language that is similar to serena's.  a language that is filled with hate in the name of a God who truly loves.  I just am not too sure if I really understand how deeply I am loved.  I am not there yet.  my relationship with God has been really surface.  a lot of showing up, but not being honest.  a lot of tantruming and not a lot of listening.  the selfish part of me isn't really willing to totally let go yet, but I am going to take this book and it's message for the sign that it is and I am going to start rebuilding a crumbling heart.  

I have shared some of my issues over the last few months.  my issues with my weight.  my issues with my emotions.  my issues with my kids and my frustrations with change that I know needs to happen in my life.  in the past, I would have said to someone, anyone, that I know it needs to come from a deeper place, but after reading this book [or most of it], I know that saying it and living it are so different from each other.  my relationship with God needs to be a priority.  I just know that it's going to have to come at a cost and I am not there yet.  but I am looking up at that mountain.  I am finally at the base of it.  and I'm a bit freaked out.  there is a lot of pain from my childhood - my overly churched childhood - that needs to be worked through.  it's like throwing up a little bit in your mouth.  gross and icky.  but in this case, it's time to stop masking the pain.  time to stop eating to numb the pain.  it's time to just start feeling it.  and dealing with it.

okay, so that's more about me than about the book!!!  the book is really good.  and if you are a sinner, like me and you often feel inwardly or outwardly ostracized by the church, this book is for you.  you are not alone.  and neither am I.  if you need forgiveness, this book is for you.  if you need to forgive, this book is for you.  and most importantly, if you are lost and need God's grace, this book will point you in that direction.  so go!  go now and get yourself a copy!!  I'm going to spend the next few minutes finishing the last few chapters...

1 comment:

susan said...

remember you have friends to help you on this journey. you aren't alone.
(and i might want to borrow your book!!) :-)