was it something I said

yes, a song title [brandon flowers!], but also where my head is at.

I have finally been able to admit something that I've been suspicious of for some time now:  I am not a good friend.  okay, well I am.  kinda.  but then I'm kinda not.  I am not good at keeping in touch.  ever.  and I don't know what the date is on the "it may be too late to fix this" kind of disaster, but I suspect that my lack of contact has been perceived as a lack of interest.  in fact, I think regularly about my friends and love them deeply.  I'm just not good at keeping regular contact.  and it bothers me.  over the course of my adult life, I've had six or seven  [okay, maybe ten!] really good soul friends.  the kind of friends that kept my soul refreshed in their presence.  the kind of friends that have seen me at my worst and have celebrated at my best.  I think the problem I have is my general philosophy on friendship - some friends are meant for a season and some are lifers.  those who are lifers are the low-maintainence people.  the friends who get the crazy that is working full time and parenting two small children.  they are the ones who always extend grace.  okay, but now I can't say the opposite for those who have been in my life for a season.  it would be untrue.  see my problem?  really it's me.  my issues.  {note to self:  throw out the general philosophy}

here, at 38 years old. I can't seem to get my head wrapped around my friendships.  ha!  I love my girls.  I love all the laughs and tears I've had with everyone of them.  some I've stayed in contact with, due to effort, proximity, life; others I haven't been in constant touch with.  doesn't mean I don't value what they've contributed to my life.  and it certainly doesn't mean they are less important.  I just don't always let them know that.  I am a talker [we all know that!] and I solve life's problems by chatting them out.  with my girls.  they all enrich my life in a way that is deep and meaningful.  and perhaps my issue is just this - that in having a crazy, nasty, kicked-to-the-curb kind of year {2010}, I have neglected many people.  I just don't know how to fix it.  other than just to say that I'm sorry.  and I'll try better.  and I am as awful at this at 38 as I was at 12.  I have a hard time saying it.  and apparently I'm even having a hard time showing it!  but I'm sorry.

and before some of you get all "is she talking about me"?  NO!  I am just trying to work through some self realizations.  and I am starting to get that it's me.  and that's okay.  and yes, I have some work to do - not at fixing relationships, but just by picking up the telephone and making a phone call.  or two.  and by thanking all of you who just extend grace to me and my crazy.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  and I know it.