Prologue

I started reading "the Way of the Heart" last night and Nouwen talkes about 2 verses: John 1:9-11 & Romans 12:2. The John verse talks about being light in the darkness and Paul says in Romans, "do not model yourselves on the behaviour of the world around you, but let your behaviour change, modeled by your new mind. this is the only way to discover the will of God and know what is good, what it is God wants, what the perfect thing to do".

These verses have been on my mind since I read them and I am wondering how they can impact my life...I am going to ponder them, meditate on them, memorize them.

On a food note, I am 5 days without sugar. I am feeling good, like the detox is over! Going to school next week, continuing on this, is going to take a lot of organization...but, not the end of the world. Speaking of which, I need a snack - maybe some corn tortillas and salsa!

I'll make up for yesterday's measly offerings

so, today & tomorrow. that's it. I am feeling really prepared for school...that I can step in on monday morning and all will be well. I got a lot done the last few days and there is nothing like spending a few hours in the classroom to get back in the mood. I am planning just to stay home today with the kids, although tonight I have some errands to run, but nothing to big...the gym, staples, the Bay.

I was thinking last night that this no sugar thing is working well for me [now that I am on day #4 and I don't want to lick anyone!]. I am not Catholic and do not usually celebrate Lent, but the concept often intrigues me, as does the monastic meditations and deprivation as to align one's heart & mind with that of Christ. so I had a thought. I want to know Christ in a deeper way. so this is my commitment between now and Easter morning [and it might just go on from there].

• no sugar [see list from my other post!].
• galations - chapter 5 - a verse a day to meditate on.
• Henri Nouwen's "the Way of the Heart" - one passage a day.

these 3 things call for big change for me. deprivation of a fleshly desire - SUGAR!!! something my body can do without & when all is said and done, something maybe I need to avoid on a larger scale. commitment to not just reading the Bible, but meditating on it...carrying it with me in my day, having it weasel it's way into my heart. and learning about solitude, silence & prayer...which means that 10 minutes out of my day, I need to spend alone with my book. no kids, no husband, no TV, no computer, no stamps, no interruptions. just me, God & Henri and my big bottle of water.

Day 3

yesterday was a lot better ...no shakes, no shivers, no wanting to lick faces. we will see what day 3 holds for me...regardless, I am not turning back! [I'll check in later!]

detox

I swear my body is in detox. is sugar a drug? well, seems like I am addicted to it. yesterday was really tough. all I wanted was SUGAR!!! the shakes, the shivers, the psychological torment. I have to say tho, I resisted all temptation...even Nate's face! last night in bed, I had to will myself to go to sleep...so that I didn't get up and eat something stupid. I also got all my water in - 3L. BUT on the downside, I was grumpy & cranky & miserable. hopefully today will be better. I started my morning with oatmeal & apple, so a good start to my day. plus, the boys had a really great sleep last night, so mom did too!

I am not usually about the deprivation, but I think this could be good for my body. This is what I am NOT eating this week: cake, chocolate, lattes [or any flavored coffee drinks], soda, baking of any kind that has sugar [muffins, cookies, brownies, pies], candy, white flour, white rice & white things in general!

so, DAY 2...HERE I COME!!

I don't like splenda

ewwww. it's like aspartame had a taste makeover that didn't take. icky, icky, icky! I just ate an oatmeal-egg white-yummy pancake but I made the mistake of putting splenda on top...talk about wrecking a totally great pancake!!

I am trying so hard to stay away from sugar today, but I SOOOOOO want to eat the cake that is sitting on my counter. and the almonds in the freezer [they are covered in chocolate!]. and the sugar on nate's face. LOL

I CAN DO THIS!!!

my sick baby

well, we made it home today...through the snow and the bad roads and the cranky kids [okay, so maybe that was just a cranky mom!]

as I am writing, ty is gagging again...another bout of puking baby. I so do not have the energy for a sick boy. he doesn't have the energy either.

I went to the gym this evening and learned a couple of things about myself:
- when I do not keep track of my food, I lose track and over eat
- when I am tired and driving in the car with 2 small children for longer than an hour, I eat crap
- when I am standing at the chip bowl at a party, I eat the chips
- when I don't pay attention, I forget to drink water
- when I don't follow my good habits, the old ones rear their ugly heads
- when all of this happens, I gain weight and don't lose it.

so, a crack down is in order. still deciding how/what exactly, but I know there will be a healthy dose of cardio done this week, as well as some short-term planning for meals and the like. bottom line: when I fail to plan, I plan to fail.

my nae

I love this picture of nate...

he is just turning into such a big boy. so independent, opinionated, lovable. I have so enjoyed this year off with him...just seeing how much he grows and develops into his own person.

MIMI!!!!

WOW...she died! and not just any ol' death, but a "great-dramatic-big-sighing-hand over the heart-WOW" kind of death!

k, now the opera was pretty darn good, but the funniest thing was the hockey-esque moment at the beginning when they were introducing the shows for the new season. there was an audible sound when Barber of Seville was announced. and an even greater response when Macbeth was announced. I nearly laughed aloud! the mass excitement of Edmonton's elite was too much for even them to contain!

heading off to bed...just wanted to comment before I sleep off the glow!

the opera

I get to go to the opera tonight with my friend susan. not that I am the huge opera goin' girl, but le boheme is a gooder! I am choosing to drink my calories today with a lovely starbucks drink! although it is a grey day, I am not complaining. 1 more week. 1 more thursday. mmmmmmm.

I am heading out to glendon tomorrow with the boys. I have a su! workshop to do for cor. that should be a lot of fun!

ty is trying to cruise around the furniture...I don't remember nate doing this at 9mos. he's going to be walking in no time.

k, nothing too deep today, nothing too pressing on my mind.

and susan, the blue grosgrain is sitting by the door waiting for you!

AI & other things that drag on!

k, so I haven't watched the show all season...I already watch FAR too much tv, but I was home alone last night and there was nothing else on. although I was VERY impressed with the caliber of singers last night [minus a couple of interesting ones...what's up with binkey??? and that little boy? anyway, I digress] there was a stinkin' commercial break after EVERY singer...they spread the show out for 2 whole hours...I swear I saw more commercials than singers. grrr. that just right burns me - if I am going to waste my time, I want to waste it watching something other than commercials for CTV news, Canadian Idol, and all the shows that CTV airs - ER, OC, CSI, L&O...the acronyms could just go on, and on, and on!

on another note, today was kinda crappy - steph was sick, so couldn't watch ty; it took us a half hour to dig my car out this morning in front of john's mom's house; no one in the city has any goats milk in stock; brown came but no one was home, so no stamps...grrr. alas, some days are just not meant to follow the plan. I think for supper I will eat some comfort food - oatmeal & apple!

chocolate eggs

not too sure, but I have a bowl of chocolate eggs in front of me...and yes, I am eating them. I need an intervention.

oh, but I smell like puke, so you may want to stay away.

what's the point?

ya know, I've been really complaining about going back to school, about exercising, about leaving the boys, about potty training, about EVERYTHING; I just had a thought about that & my recent attitude. bottom line, we cannot physically afford for me not to go back to school. yes, if john had a better paying job I could continue to stay at home, but right now that is not an option. and next to staying home with the boys, shirley & john's mom are the next best thing - they are in a christian home being cared for by someone who cares deeply about them. so here's the deal: instead of whining and complaining about it, I am going to do something about it.

I am going to see if I can I can manage something part time for the fall. I am going to look into the 4-1 plan that Edmonton Public has where I work for 4 years, they pro-rate my pay and then I can take 1 year off with pay. I am going to really start praying about john's job situation - either a raise or a better job. and then I am going to do one more thing. I am going to look at my job as a ministry - yes, nate & ty need me, but they get to come home to 2 parents who love them and love each other...I cannot say that for the kids that I teach.

but, this is what I need to do right now, in this moment. and I need to stop being all blah about the whole thing. this past year has taught me a lot of things, about myself, about my relationship with my family, about my relationship with God. I was telling erika today that I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to take care of me. bottom line, I need to change my priorities. my relationship with God needs to come first, "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will given unto you". if I care for me first [in a spiritual sense], then I will be able to continue to make good choices in how I treat my body, I'll be able to care for my children and my family and I will be able to serve God, using the gifts he has given me...in my job. and what is the thing I can practice in all of this? goodness. seeking first the kingdom of God. seeking His righteousness.

I can do this. because I am NOT alone in this journey. not all will fall apart as I transition into this new phase of my life. so I am going to just stop complaining about it.

the beginning...

of the end! it's 8:38. I am dressed, fed, packed up & ready to go. I am enjoying the few minutes of silence before Nate wakes up and before my mom gets here. then it is off to school.

I tried Marcy's pancake this morning...very tasty, very healthy. just not too sure what to do about the splenda that the recipe call for. it's not something I keep in my house, so today I used real maple syrup to sweeten it. it actually made 2 good-sized pancakes. I could almost half it. the rest of my eating day calls for yogurt, apples, tuna, salad...and whatever other veggies I feel like. with this much fiber in my system, I will just have to be vigilant about the water today. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

here's the recipe: [how I made it this morning]
1/2 rolled oats
3 TBSP 1% cottage cheese
1 small carton of egg whites [equivilant to 1 c]
cinnamon [lotsa, lotsa!]
1 TBSP maple syrup [or I guess, splenda to taste]
mix with a hand mixer [trust me!] and bake like a pancake.

not that it's more fiber than my other oatmeal recipe, but if I plan to do this for a couple of days, that could get interesting!

I did go to the gym this morning & burned 300 and some calories off my butt...FEELS GOOD!

03-19: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0

another sunday

well, today was an interesting day - not good or bad necessarly, just different from the norm. this morning we met tim & irene for brunch at o'byrnes. we hardly ever get together with them, so it was nice to share a meal. irene took a bunch of pictures of the boys; I can't wait to see them...she has such a great eye, photography wise. nate isn't feeling top notch today, so he is in pull-ups for the night. I do not need a bed full of poop in the night.

I spent a lot of time talking to alex this afternoon about school stuff. I am feeling a bit more confident about the whole thing now. tomorrow and tuesday I am going in for the morning to meet with the kids, take a look at the routines, meet with the new TA, and just generally get a feel for things. I am not too worried, and the closer I get, the better I am feeling about it. maybe last week's anxiety has left. eating wise, today wasn't great - a fat-laden breakfast and just general rotten snacking and not nearly enough water. tomorrow I am going to head to the gym in the morning and start my day off with a "marcy pancake" and see if I can do the no sugar thing.

03-18: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 minutes @ 2pm!

holy snow, batman!!

k, so I don't mind snow...for the most part, but this is getting to be a little much! looks like 20 cm have fallen over night and more is coming. it makes a quick ride to the store a bit tough...and if it wasn't goat's milk that I needed, I'd let it go. grrr.

well, we had a fun time at the party last night. it was just so nice to be out without kids for an evening. and it was nice that the boys let us sleep in until 9am!

went to the gym this morning & I am down 2 lbs this week! WOOHOO!!

03-16: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0
03-17: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 min @ 7pm!

too many days like this would be a bad, bad thing

so this case of the blahs that I have has gone on too long. today I succumbed to the old habit of emotional eating, had a piece of caramel cake & half a container [the little ones!] of B&J's frozen-yogurt-brownie-yummy-goodness! add that to the 2 pyrogies, the muffin & coffee...what a wonderful day of emotional eating!

and, tonight we are going out, so I am not feeling very motivated to get back on track. would it be so awful to have a day to just wallow? question is, why am I wallowing [this is me not enjoying the wallow]? I think I just wish that we could afford for me to stay home. I like my teaching job, but I like my mom-job better. I get tired just thinking about how to do a good job at both. can I do it? of course. I just am going to miss the freedom of coming and going as I wish, meeting up for coffee, taking the kids to the mall, doing laundry in the middle of the day...those kinds of things. I just worry that I am going to neglect myself in all of this. I have been working SOOOOO hard to take care of myself emotionally & spiritually that I don't want that to suffer, then overeat, gain weight, get discouraged, give up... I've just got to make sure that I include time for me, somewhere in all my giving to others.

this whole half marathon thing will keep me exercising [which is VERY good] and Marcy just gave me a copy of a diet that I might try to get me off sugar [the big thorn in my side]...as long as my milk supply doesn't suffer and I am eating enough calories, I might just try it. it would mean giving up the lattes... I don't celebrate lent, but maybe between now & easter, I should do a fast of sorts - a sugar fast. I'll have to do some thinking on it...

lots to ponder today - st. patrick's day is one of my fave, so maybe I'll just stop over analyzing and just enjoy. maybe John will come home with flowers [I doubt it, but you never know!].

another blah day..

I need to snap out of this funk. I don't feel great, but not really sick enough to say that I'm sick. I think I will spend the afternoon just stamping and playing some great music...anyone wanna come over and play?? LOL Yesterday was not a bad eating day, nor has today been so far...but let's be honest. it's 10:45 and I am still in my pj's...and now I hear ty fussing. nate was up at 6am, wet & wanting to be changed, yet still half asleep. grrr. and I can't find my Alfie soundtrack - I was in the mood for some Mick Jagger. I just uploaded my Rolling Stones & Johnny Cash artist's choice CD's...maybe I'll be inspired by music that inspires the great ones! It bothers me that I can't find the music that I really want. oh well. at least it looks like it's stopped snowing!

03-15: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 40 min @ 6am

I did it!

YEAH!! I finally got up at 6am to go to the gym this morning! after 2 failed attempts on monday & tuesday, I gave myself no choice today! 335 calories burned, 1L of water consumed and I am on my way to a good day!

I am off to drive Nate to my mother-in-law's for the day, then maybe I'll go to IKEA with Ty - I need some napkins!

03-14: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

a messy morning

woke up with a headache...and just general crappyness. I feel okay now, but that is after 2 cups of coffee and some advil. both boys slept until quarter to nine, which was a nice change of pace, but poopy diaper, arrowroot cookies, wet underpants, and toys everywhere already have me tired! I have big plans to spend this afternoon stamping...anyone care to join?? I need to finish some projects and get them in the mail, work on some things for my thursday night meeting, work on my next calendar page for ty, scrap my christmas pages. lots to do and the time is a tickin' down. maybe I'll start by picking up the sticky cheerios off my floor!

03-13: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

feeling blue

so after today, there are only 2 more mondays left...before I go back to school. and really, only one, since I am spending next monday at school. I am quite sad about this, although I am anxious to get back. sad to leave my life of kids and leasure. sad that we really need the money that much. sad that we don't have an extra 5 grand kicking around so I could be off until september. sad that I really need to wean ty. sad that I can't spend all day doing whatever I feel like. [selfish, I know] and on top of it, in combination, the boys were up 3 times in the night, one of which lead to nate in our bed. grrr. so, didn't make it to the gym this morning - my goal this week is 3 times tho - so tuesday, wednesday, friday. I will still go to the gym today, but it will be this evening. and nate has had 2 "on purpose" accidents already this morning. grrr. double grrr.


03-12: consistency: 2L/1 exercise: 0 [not a great day]

the way i see it #53

"be exceptional. make tremendous efforts to be extraordinary. what a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. just make sure you do so..." [shelby lynne]

03-11: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise @ 8am - 30min

a little bit of House to get one thinking

goodness: that which is good or valuable or useful
good: being positive or desirable in nature; not bad or poor

"Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." [Ps 23:6]

This is one of my favorite references to the word "goodness" in the Bible. I like webster's definition of good - being positive in nature. Philippians also says to dwell on things that are good - I like that whole part in Philippians...whatever is true, honourable, right, pure, lovely, good, excellent, worthy of praise - think on these things. So if an "output" of having the Spirit in me is "goodness", then good is what I want to be.

Now here is the next question: am I remotely good? HECK NO!!! so any goodness that could possibly come out of me and be remotely pure, then it must be Christ in me. Maybe that is why it so bothers me when people say that they know they will be in heaven because they are good people. grrr. goodness is a "Christ" trait. So, along with all of the other things I am currently working on in my life right now, I am going to add to it this one: I am going ask God to develop goodness in my life...then actively work on developing this trait in my life. Do I have a plan in place to see this happen? nope. but, I am going to have a chat with my creator about the whole thing. He's good at coming up with plans for my life that are much greater than anything I could ever come up with.

sometimes being a girl sucks

sometimes I truly dislike all the hormones that course through my veins. 'nuf said.

yesterday was a poor eating day for me, made bad choices as far as quality & quantity. good thing that everyday is a new day. I like that about life. and, I started the morning right; went to the gym at 8am [the saturday morning version of 6am!] and burned over 200 calories right off my butt! and the scale says that I am down another pound, so all in all, an okay morning [other than the headache, the screaming child, the firetruck noise making child and the husband who is drinking pop at 10:00 in the morning...grrr!]

on a completely other note, I was happy with how John's moms present turned out!

03-10: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

dirty sink

I was wanting to spend some time this morning reflecting on Galations, but the boys are up, the tv is on, dishes are in my sink and I just cannot concentrate. good thing there will be some quiet later!

I did not get up at 6am this morning to go to the gym. grrr. I will still go today, but I am annoyed that I let myself talk me out of getting up. no excuses.

I'll write more later...there is a lot on my brain right now.

03-09: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0

it's snowing again...

and the wind is a-blowin'. I overkilled on calories yesterday. I am finding that when I do the whole am wake-up/work out thing that I am eating more in the morning. which makes sense, considering the 200+ calories that I am burning before feeding my body. well, today is not one of my gym days, so I am going to reign it all in and then the calorie average over 2 days will make more sense [or am I just justifying???]. regardless, I am starting my morning with a coffee and 2 yogurts @ 40 cal each...and walking with a protine bar in my bag.

well, off to take the kids out into the wind & snow...

03-08: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise @ 6am

where is my big coffee mug?

who the heck is making me wake up at 6am??? so my workout was good this morning, but I am just DRAGGING MY BUTT...I am so tired! coffee...I need my coffee!! I do enjoy the quiet though.

I had a thought on goodness in the night - how it is different from being good; not too sure how yet, but I am off to investigate...I will let you know what I find!

and my quiet moment was just that...I hear ty stirring!

03-07: consistancy: 3L/0 exercise: 0

rice & beef & something else...

how does one assign calories to a guyanese dinner made by her mother-in-law? mmmm. the things I need to ponder in a day. I am LOVING my hair cut...LOVING! if I still love it next week, it may stay like this for a while!

I've been coping out of writing this week, but I had a thought today. galations speaks of the fruit of the spirit. goodness catches my eye...I am going to spend some time reflecting on this [mentally], so stay tuned for my ponderings and thoughts on goodness [ooohhh...a teaser, to keep y'all coming back for more...all 2 of you!!]; all of galations 5 is packed with a ton to ponder, so I will deconstruct this chapter & what it means to me - after I've spent some time meditating on it!

there is poop in the water

yeah. what a way to start a day. I thought I'd give nate a bath...nothing out of the ordinary. so he sits down, playing with his toys, I go to get his towel and some coffee and I hear this screaming, "MOM! MOM!!" [splash, splash, scream] "I OUT!!! MMMMOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!" [splash, splash, slid, fall, scream]. by this point I am in the bathroom and grab up my incredibly frightened boy. and look down to see what the deal is and yup, you've got it, the deal is poop.

well. at least the bathtub got scrubbed.

I need some coffee. and now I am off to get my hair cut.

03-06: consistency: 3L/0 exercise: 6am!

phew!

I survived a 6am wake-up & work out! I could get used to this...maybe! I ran into a guy that I went to jr high with...I can only laugh. ahhh, he's a good guy and doesn't think I always look so sweaty and disheveled...

03-05: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0min

yet again

it is sunday...yet again! a good day yesterday - 3L of water, 40 minutes of cardio, no chocolate bars and some stamping got done!

today is ultra busy, but that's okay...john will take nate & I will take ty...nothing quite beats the divide & conquer strategy!

i love 2 year olds

gee, I have another post with the same name!! wonder why???!!

I took nate out this afternoon...to the urban scrapbook & chapters...2 tantrums. he has never pulled crap like that in public before...boy oh boy, talk about trying my patience! then we stopped at starbucks and the lady was baby talking to him and asked me if she could give him a treat. yeah, right! I told her the mom would be taking a treat. not too sure if she knew what to do with me. I was just right annoyed by the whole thing.

grrrr. but, he's been doing well with the potty training. well, the meatloaf is almost done and I am HUNGRY!!

finally!

WOW!! I FINALLY GOT BELOW 200! considering the yo-yo week I've had, I am glad that the scale went down not up [like LAST week!].

I had a kick-ass walk at the gym today...upped my time to 40 minutes and did hill intervals, 5 minutes at a time. it's like finally my legs can keep up with the rest of me. I like that!

yesterday, I drank all my water & didn't touch the chocolate bars...monday morning, I am going to go to the gym in the am...that should be a RUDE wake-up call! these are my goals for the next month...I want them to become habits and not a chore. they say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit...consider the last 24 hrs DAY 1!

so in light of all things good and special, I am getting my butt off this chair; I so need a shower...

YUMM-O!

well, a good eating start to a snowy, snowy day! apple, oatmeal, pecan, maple extravaganza!! AND coffee! maybe I will do some at-home exercises today [with the ball!!] since the gym has eluded me once again...grrr!

a-ha!

k, so I am feeling like crapola. no, I am not sick, just blah. icky. double-blah. but I had a moment in the shower this evening.

I have succumed to the 200 block yet again. this is the point that I always cave and go back to old habits. those old habits are like the old sinful nature. when you are not up to par & activly working on your relationship with God, you fall back in to your old nature...the pre-Christ way of doing things. we were reading in galations this past sunday. galations 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." [NAS]

so here's my thought: if Christ lives in me and it is no longer I who lives, then EVERYTHING I do needs to be through faith and not by the flesh. I guess I have always looked at this in just a spiritual sense, figuring that God didn't really care if I ate whoppers on the sly or ate to sufficate my icky, blah feelings. He does care...and not only does He care, but since He is in me and I live by faith and not by my flesh, then I don't have to muster the will power to do anything, but I do it for a whole other reason.

I am still processing all of this...my revalation of His Word in this way...but all of a sudden, it isn't about me. not only is it not about me, but it really isn't about me in any way, shape or form. it's about everything I do, say, eat or don't eat giving glory to God. now, is this an easy fix? HECK NO!!

but...God cares and sees and knows and feels and hurts and loves and knows...knows me better than I know me, and therefore I can trust Him. not only can I trust Him, but He is with me in this struggle, in my bad eating days and in my good ones...when I don't want to go to the gym and when I eat half a box of whoppers on the way home from zellers.