Wednesday, November 03, 2010

aim snap fall

what happens when you have nothing.  no motivation.  no resolve.  nothing.  I am barely able to be nice at this point.  and yes, my body is fighting a full on cold.  and my head hasn't really been in the game for a couple of weeks now.  but usually I can talk myself out of the fog.  having a hard time getting out of this funk.  I feel really blah.

and honestly, I feel really judgmental.  which, in all honesty, comes from pride.  like somehow I have a tiny corner of my world figured out.  ha.  that's a joke.  I feel like in as much as I am in need of some serious grace, I am having a hard time giving it.  I am not gracious to my co-workers.  I am not even that gracious to my family.  I am in a place of pride.  arrogance.  which really is an off place for me, not because I'm capable of it, but just out of sheer irony.  I feel like I pendulum between a place of self-loathing [also pride driven] to a place of arrogance [totally pride driven].  like I live ty's new motto, "no one is the boss of me except me."  which translates to I know best.  okay.  BIG FAT LIE.  I'm not doing a great job with my life.  I am down right sucky at that.  so instead of dealing with my shit, I judge others while I'm stuffing my face with candy.  so hypocritical.  on so many levels.  yet, I am not ready/able/willing to get my sorry butt out of the driver's seat.  I am so worried about what God will ask of me if I give him control.  yet I know he is just asking me to trust.  give up.  give in.  let go.  give up my burden and find rest.  but oh no.  I think I know best.  pride.  I am hurtful and unkind to others and to myself.  and I am miserable, feeling unworthy.  alone.

and yet through all of it, there is grace.  and arms holding on to me for dear life.  and me just praying that he doesn't let go, even though I am totally fighting.

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