time warp

so I want to paint my fingernails.  but I really suck at it for a number of reasons.  first, I'm not a details person.  that means that I usually don't notice mistakes.  until it's too late.  second, mistakes bug me...after the fact!  third, I suck at doing ANYTHING with my left hand.  such a good time.  NOT.  and then there is the damn dry time.  I never give nails long enough to dry.  and then they smudge.

okay, it's been 24 hours since I last started this post.  the nails look like crap.  LOL  but I love the dark purple/sparkly black colour.  they will need an update for tomorrow.

so tomorrow is officially the worst school day of the year.  HALLOWEEN!  kids were already hyper today.  so sad.  I, for once in my life, have prepared for halloween well in advance.  I bought a badge and a tshirt in vegas - CSI baby!  so at the halloween store I bought evidence markers, john has a ball cap and I have handcuffs!  it's a pretty decent costume - easy and includes wearing uggs and blue jeans!  L-O-V-E!

so I did something wild and crazy this week.  I signed up at a local gym for a 60 day challenge.  it cost $20 and basically I am committing to 60 days of right eating, exercise and general depravation.  november 1 until december 31.  and I am thinking of committing to a couple of changes - daily movement, no booze [SHOCKING!], and no refined or fake sugar.  the last one could KILL me.  it means no diet soda.  no candy.  no white bread products.  no baking.  no lattes [no gingerbread lattes].  in order to stay sane, I may allow myself to have a couple of free days - christmas day and the odd sunday.  but really, I need to detox my system and get my blood sugar under control.  I use sugar for energy and it's a quick fix, but then I get sluggish and lazy and cranky.  it's a stress thing [understandable!] but now that the stress has decreased, I need to get my butt back into shape.  good times.  tomorrow I go for a body composition thingy - they weigh and measure me.  EEEEKKKK!  and then every second week until it's done.  good thing, I have lots to fix so I could win the challenge...there is a prize, and $500 would be AWESOME.  but really, better than $500 would be a pair of size 12 blue jeans.  that's what I'm aiming for.  september was good, october has been awful and in 60-some days I am hoping for a leaner, meaner me!!

a stone would cry out

did this sam roberts song with my kids today as part of a lesson on figurative language - specifically personification and imagery.  I forgot how wretchedly sad this song is.  and I kept getting distracted by the fact that I could play it on the piano.  okay, I know I could...although I've never tried!!

The cinematic after effects of alcohol

Have led me to believe

That there's nothing more beautiful

Than a face as it starts to fade

From your memory, what had Once been clear as the day

Obscured by the shade

And I was always the thorn to your rose

A long string of disappointing days

Led me to concede that I'd been losing sleep

And I'm tired and frayed at the seams

And things are changing in me

It's been two hard months since I could call you my own

It cuts to the bone

Is there anything that I can do when I've been turned into stone?

But I was always the thorn to your rose

Some doors are better left closed

You move like a rolling wave

One night don't fade when it's gone

Beyond a doubt it gets so hard a stone would cry out

I know there's a lesson in here

But it's so hard to find

I've been searching my mind

A little pearl of wisdom for the later years

When the thread of this life starts to unwind

I never had to fight for my love

But that's over I know

It's just how it goes

I never had to fight for my love

But that's over I know

It's just how it goes

And you move like a rolling wave

One that don't fade when it's gone

Beyond a doubt it gets so hard, it gets so hard

That a stone would cry out

Some doors are better left closed

Some say this place makes it hard to hold your head up

Some days this face makes me feel like I've been set up

see, super sad.  and super full of teenage angst and figurative language!!

and in happier news, my dad went home today.  he's happy to be sleeping in his own bed and eating real food.  what an incredible week.  an enormously stressful, roller coaster week.  SUPER CRAZY!  today I finally felt a bit back to normal.  still haven't started my IPPs, but I guess that's why wednesdays were invented!  I LOVE wednesdays!!

restore me

more photobooth fun [I took these at school this afternoon!].  I'm a dork.  and I got nothing done today.  it was just a lot of fun being in the same room as my students today - hanging out, doing work, catching up.  it's been a while since I've been able to do that with them.  I did not start IPPs.  I did not get coffee on my prep.  I did not get anything done for tomorrow.  but I chatted with my kids and got to be in their space.  my favorite kind of day.  now tomorrow, I really need to be on my game!  yeah, to make up for my slack off day today.  oh well.  tomorrow could be fun.  my head is just not in the game at all, but I do get a lot of joy from my job and a lot of irritation, but it takes my head out of the stress mode.  and right now, it's a blessing.  now legitimately, they are their own stress, but they aggravate me and make me laugh all in one breath.  I am a lucky girl.

crazy

so my dad gets to go home on tuesday.  this is good news.  although I continue to find it extraordinarily difficult to see my dad in the hospital, looking so weak, everyday is better than the last.  it's been a long, long week.  and now I am significantly behind at work, so it'll be an early start tomorrow!!  oh well, such is life.  IPPs are due on friday - that's gonna be my biggest challenge this week.  sigh.

but, tomorrow [and tuesday!] I have club.  I am super excited about that - it's going to be all 3D halloween stuff.  I need to get some candy corn!  and some other candy!!  yeah, so I really haven't made any real decisions yet, but I have some ideas in my head, so it's ALL good!!  all the 3D project have candy involved, so I'm not too worries.  and really, club is about hanging out with the girls and that's really the part I am excited about.

it's a short post.  I'm preoccupied.  my brain is full and disorganized.  I need to get my head sorted out.  fun stuff.

capsize

me and stress.  we are not friends.  at all.  I strongly dislike being out of control.  shocking, I know.  and all the hard work I've done with the kids has really derailed.  I am too tired to deal with them.  I get tomorrow night off though, so that's a good thing.  my mother-in-law is going to take them overnight.  sigh.  I love my family.

this is my new app - a photobooth app!!  ty & I had some fun tonight!!!  super fun.  he is a goof, my kid. just like his mom, I suppose.

so I ordered some new boots last week - from the toms website.  okay.  I LOVE these boots.  they are super comfy and easy to wear.  now I want them in black!!  so sad.  alas, I may just get them.  see, I have a significant problem with boots.  THEY NEVER FIT.  my calves are just not small enough to fit into all the cute boots.  and seriously, I like boots.  I like how they look with tights and my denim skirt.  or with capris.  these boots are wrap boots, so the size of my calves can change...and they'll still fit.  see.  there is a method to my madness!!

and in other news, my dad had a good day.  he got some blood today to get his hemoglobin up but he did do a couple of walks around the 4th floor.  I'm on watch tomorrow morning.  hopefully he has a good night.  I suppose I should help John get the kids to bed.  I am so not motivated.  sigh.

get back up

so, things are looking better for my dad.  he got moved out of ICU this afternoon.  he was asleep the whole time I was at the hospital tonight - still dealing with some sedation issues [different ones from before, but he was a bit wonky, to say the least].  I find this whole thing really surreal.  like it's a glimpse into the future.  the roles we'll each play one day.  the avoider.  the panicked.  the crier.  the organizer.  not too sure where I am in the mix.  it's very strange.  it's like I can see the future.  and I really don't like that.  I definitely do not like my parents getting old.  it SUCKS.

time to cuddle a small boy who is very out of sorts...

wild world

so just a quick update...my dad made it through surgery needing less complication than expected.  they had expected it to take 8+ hours and he was done at around the 6 hr mark.  they found some other stuff though, so fixed that too.  and then they let him sleep.  they started weaning him off the sedation meds this morning and increasing the pain meds and when I left the hospital at 4 pm, he still had a breathing tube but he was more alert and joking a bit [via sign language].  it's been an incredibly stressful 24 hours and although we're over the big hump, he's still in icu and we're not out of the woods completely.  I don't have the energy to pontificate on much else right now [shocking!], but I know that your continued prayers are felt and appreciated.

xoxo

ETA:  he's off the ventilator now.  the dr's told my mom NOT to sleep at the hospital tonight [glad they said that - she'll listen to them!].  my dad was talking with her and is now just getting fluids and pain meds. it's looking better.

amazing grace

so it's been a bit of a crazed day.  my dad is in the hospital, as I write this, having major open heart surgery.  I should really be more stressed out than I am.  I am actually just more in a fog.  and I have a massive headache.  I think I've been clenching my teeth for hours.  anyways, there's been a thought in my head all afternoon - in regards to my dad and in regards to my own stuff.  maybe the emotional toll of my dad being sick has got my brain working in a different direction.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

this verse from matthew 11 has been in my head for a long while now [via the message] and it came to me again today.  mainly because I feel so tired.  emotionally and physically.  and in the last few hours, it's almost overwhelming.  I think just due to sheer exhaustion that I am almost ready to just stop moving.  stop thinking.  stop everything.  I have learned something about myself in the last few days and that is how incredibly selfish I am.  it comes out in all sorts of ways, but really I am just selfish.  I like me best.  self-preservation.  and now I want to stop moving instead of always feeling like running away from things.


I read this today at serena's blog:

"The only way to experience sorrow is to let go of self-condemnation. You have to focus on what Jesus did and not on what you did. No matter how long you beat yourself up or try to out-do your bad with good, you’ll never be able to make it go away. The only thing that can make it go away is grace. Self-condemnation is a barrier that feels right, but is detrimental to your spirit."

and although this blog quote has nothing to do with my dad right now, it totally has to do with me right now. I need to feel sorrow in my life. and I need to take the focus off of me. I don't like me right now. but I do like that I have a saviour that has done something incredible for me. I told someone today that I feel for the first time that I am at the foot of the cross. a christian lingo thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies, but it best describes how I feel. like a sinner in need of grace. maybe I have made a bit of progress in this area.

I know that this is all a bit random and without context, but I am tired. in need of real rest - spiritual, not just physical.

gimme shelter

well, my house is clean.  bathrooms and tubs are scrubbed.  floors are vacuumed.  the boy's rooms are generally organized and I am almost done the third load of laundry this weekend.  I just need to wash the floors, but I needed a break.  so my computer & I have come to hang out at starbucks.  and it's killing me that I didn't bring my earphones because I bought the new fistful of mercy cd and I haven't listened to it yet.  grrr.  it's ben harper and I haven't listened yet.  WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?  I am distracted.  and have been for a while.  need my groove back.

so I tried out a new picture app - it's called pinpoint camera and it does a cool double exposure thing.  I like this one!!

and then there is the good old standby, the hipstimatic.  I love the finishes on this app and I love how fast it's working on the new phone.  no more delay.  sigh.

and then this one was taken at the airport last week - yes, I am wearing orange stripped socks.  got a complement on them from the security guy when I had to take my boots off to go through the scanner.  good times.  I am still paying the price for tuesday.  my body has not caught up on the sleep.

we started indoor soccer on saturday - nate's first game was at 830 saturday morning.  and I am the proud owner of a soccer card.  good times!!  then this morning I had to be at church at 830 for rehearsal so there was no sleeping in.  oh well.  I am not complaining [really!], just in need of a nap.  perhaps I'll drink up, get home, wash floors, finish the laundry and then just veg on the couch.  and watch all the ace of cakes that I recorded this week.  mmmmm.  duff.  LOL

love in an elevator

I am in love.  I finally got my hands on the iPhone 4.  I had been running 4.0 software on my 3G and they were NOT loving each other.  the main word I'd use to describe the situation was SLOW.  very, very slow.  today I went into my rogers store at lunch time and walked out with upgrades for both John & I.  and now we own FAST.

and then it does something wonderful.  it takes self portraits.  what a great, great thing.  no more random.  so I took some pics of the traffic lights.  aren't they lovely???  LOL  I really like my traffic lights.  and I am even okay with them being traffic lights.

till the morning

some of my favorite pictures...I didn't edit any of these, just am posting them!  I can't even put my finger on why I love them so much, just do!

coming back this week has been a bit hellish.  let's be honest, it always is.  it's hard to get back into the groove.  and hey, I just don't really want to do laundry and dishes.  but what's new with that, you may ask...NOTHING!!  lol  I know.  shocking.  and on top of getting back into the routine and trying to avoid the general shunning that often occurs after being away for a few days, I've been working in the office this week.  chris is away, so I'm the boss.  seriously.  they left me in charge.  and I tell ya, it's a good, good time!  yeah.  my stress level is through the roof and today I didn't really eat any real food until supper time.  today was packaged oatmeal, coffee and pretzel m&m's.  WRONG.  on so many levels.

insert amazing segue here - andrea asked me if I'd sign up for a 60 day challenge.  an ass-kicking challenge.  and I think I'm saying yes.  we're doing it through her gym so I'll get my ass kicked all the way until christmas.  SWEET!  considering my diet as of late, it might be a really good idea.  and, considering my fairly fragile emotional state, I'm thinking that a focus on my health is a good, good thing.  and this gym has a boot camp thing at 5am.  is it wrong that I am considering joining?  I am sick of this bulge business.  I am seriously sick of the fat.  and I need to get myself motivated again.  things around me are just falling, falling, falling and if I don't take care of myself and make myself feel some serious pain, it will over take me.  the panic attack I had tonight is proof.

change is coming.  and I'm scared.  terrified.  I have made the first step, but I need to take a ton more.  and I'm panicking.  and so I'm having some rum.  some of my 1.4L bottle of mount gay rum that I spent my last $20 on while waiting in the sea-tac airport.  LOL.  cheers!

blue skies

some really pretty market pictures.  I loved the time we spent in pike place market.  it was really lovely.  and the flowers...WOW!  I wanted some SO badly.  these pictures will have to do the trick!  I love this place!  one of my top ten spots.  in the world.

nothing like you

there may not be words that work here.  I am the owner of some lovely new mugs...and I had a most lovely thanksgiving "triple grande non-fat pumpkin spice latte".  good times!

on the sky

I worshiped at the church of starbucks today.  paid tribute at the counter of the pike place location.  I have pictures.  and will post.  sigh.  LOL

leave the bourbon on the shelf

the first 24 hours...

okay, so I may have a serious crush on vegas [y'all know about that!] but I am IN LOVE with seattle.  love.  love the architecture.  love the vibe.  this is my first view of pike place market:

seriously cool building additions - like these pipes with things growing.  there is all sorts of building oddities in this town...

and then I broke out the hipstimatic.  way cooler pictures, even though it loves to drain my battery!  this is one of the sewer covers...it's also a map of the downtown area.  reminds me of this map thing I saw in ottawa.  why can't edmonton be this cool?

and this is my view from here on a saturday afternoon.  an americano.  lovely.

we did our coffee crawl today and had a great time touring a bunch of independent coffee shops and getting all the coffee folklore from our tour guide.  it was an interesting way to see the city.

we have plans to go to mars hill church tomorrow and I think the space needle is in the plans.  good times!!

smells like teen spirit

some nirvana for y'all.  I am in seattle...!!

it's been a bit of a wonky 24 hrs, but I'm here and I am waiting for erika to come get me!  and it's not raining right now.  grey, yes.  but no rain.  I can live with that.  I have no idea what the plan is for today, but I am totally good with that.  I got some sleep last night.  a better sleep than I've had in a long time.  it's all good.  above all, sleep is my friend.  and I could use a ton more.  I'll get there.

I'll post some pictures later!

this time tomorrow

a little bit of the kinks, in perhaps the most appropriate song-title/blog-title in recent history!

love me some kinks.  and I love this song...and I'm having some deja vu since I totally think that we've had this conversation before.  maybe I should be doing some john denver - leavin' on a jet plane!  and guess what the weather forecast is for seattle this weekend?  that's right.  rain.  more rain.  still more rain.  my hair is going to have some SERIOUS issues with this trip.  HA!  bringing along the good product.

good thing that the space needle, the experience music project, nordstrom rack, and starbucks are all good in the rain!  a coffee crawl, well that's going to require an umbrella.  have one in my bag.  it's all good.

so, this time tomorrow, I'll be in the rain [okay, well there is suppose to be sun tomorrow...here's to hoping!].  and perhaps there will be some coffee in hand.  it's all good.

I'll talk to y'all on the other side of the 49th!
xoxo

show you how

two more sleeps.  two more teaching days.  two more days of lunches, school work, marking, laundry...I could go on.  and then it will be 5 days of nothing.  nothing except lunch, shopping, visiting, bottles of wine, coffee tours...good times!  I am super excited to meet up with erika and I am super excited to spend some time just with no schedule.  no worries.  sigh.

and then, it'll be back at it.  but I refuse to think about that!!  and in this moment?  I am watching hawaii 5-0 from last week.  and then I'll watch the one from this week.  still having problems with dan's character being played by the guy from ocean's 11, but hey, I'll get over it!!

oh, and in related news, I scored a serious deal on a room at inn at the market.  for two of our four nights, we are staying in what appears to be the coolest place in seattle!  WOOHOO!!   I am pretty excited about being able to score this for at least half of our trip!

okay.  have to focus on my show!!
later skaters!!

sam's town

well apparently I spoke too soon.  getting kids to bed tonight was awful.  so I ran away to the mall for a bit.  I am in a serious hunt for a pair of black slip-on heels.  thought I found them tonight, brought them home and yeah.  a big no-go.  grrr.  so I have to go back tomorrow and return them.  no fun.

and seriously my kids were pushing the buttons tonight.  just super hyper and unable to settle down.  no points.  nothing.  10:00 is WAY too late for them to be going to sleep.  not to mention, but nate did the strangest thing today.  he grabbed his pillow and his stuffy and decided that I was mean and ran down the street in his socks so he could go live at a different house.  I looked out the front bedroom window and he is running up the street and out of view, clutching his pillow.  the neighbours must think we're nuts.  we had the old ones fooled, I'm sure!  yesterday I offered to pack his bag.  he was mad when I didn't really.  sarcasm coming to bite me in the ass.  that's his new thing.  we're mean.  and we hurt his feelings.  um.  YEAH.  that's my job, dude.  so tomorrow it's back to square one.  follow the schedule.  give them some gravol [did I just say that??] and get them to bed at a decent hour.  it just really disintegrates if it's too many nights in a row.  we all need our sleep around here.  me included.  sigh.

so here there lies the on-going saga of the fraser family bedtimes.  stay tuned.  tomorrow I might REALLY help him pack his bag.  and actually drive him to his grandmother's house!!

sweet talk

I found this in my writing folder.  I wrote it on august 22nd and I felt the need to post it tonight - to remind myself.  to remember the why.  sometimes it's just good to be reminded.


I've been thinking. and these words won't leave my head. I'm thinking it's a good thing.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

I once was lost, but now I'm found

was blind but now I see.

maybe it's the story behind the hymn that's having a bigger impact on me right now. john newton wrote this song in 1773 after a career in the north atlantic slave trade. he experienced a spiritual conversion that changed the course of his life. legend tells it that after he studied theology that he met a young wilber wilberforce, the political force behind the british abolition of the slave trade.

all that to say this. if john newton, a slave ship captain, could find grace, I can too. grace is for me. 

there is another hymn that really has resonated with me lately - in christ alone:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

still working through all of it, but I feel like there hope. hope for this really sinful, wretched soul. I think I'll be okay. because of grace.

move away

I may be out of brandon flowers song titles, but I have about 30 that I can use by the killers!!  random facts, I know.

updates:

#1  "the plan" is STILL working!  the bedtime drama has been at a minimum and it's feeling like we're finding a rhythm.  and this is good.  more sleep for them is more downtime for me and both lead to happier people.  them and me.  they each have 9 points right now, so tomorrow could be toy buying day.  fun stuff!!  [I am not complaining.  it's working...]

#2  the tattoo.  it looks more like traffic lights than anything else.  sheesh.  only I would have this issue.  it's about the order of the colours - red, orange, blue.  only, because it's healing, my colours look...you guessed it...red, yellow, green.  I am a good, good time.  LOL

#3  there is no number three.

HOWEVER, I did get a pedicure today.  my sister does a kick-ass job.  and she did my eyebrows.  I feel rather normal for once.  hair is black again.  eyebrows match.  grey is gone.  seriously, getting older is WAY too high maintenance.

4 more sleeps.  hehehe!!

bells of 59

so I did it.  out of the blue.  went today and got a tattoo.  back of my neck, three coloured dots.  red, orange & light blue.  I know, sounds strange.  trust me, it's all good!  ...  my wee ellipses.  it's all sorts of symbolic for me.  the ellipses in my world of language arts and punctuation is a sorta "to be continued" thing.  I feel like in this stage of my life, it's good to be reminded that I'm not at a finished point yet.  things are still happening.  I'm still happening.  then the colours - red for canada, orange representing my dutch heritage and blue is for the boys.  although VERY swollen when I saw it, I LOVE IT!  I'll post a picture once it heals.

and yes, it really, really hurt!  found out after the fact [from my hairdresser] that the top of my back/base of my neck is one of the more painful places to get a tattoo.  shocking.  I think it's funny that although tyler, my tattoo guy, knew it was my first tattoo, knew I was super nervous, and never once let on that the entire seven minutes were going to hurt so badly!!

anyways, john doesn't know yet...could be fun to show him!!!

dude [looks like a lady]

HA!  I love this picture!  ty is getting SOOOOOO big!  It's going to be a list kind of night...

1.  got to play soccer today - teachers vs students.  we lost by one goal, a goal I let in.  sigh.  sucks to lose, but it was a super good time!

2.  I wore all of john's gear for the soccer game, so although I didn't really know what I was doing, I sure looked like I did!

3.  word of the day:  FIERCE!

4.  we signed the papers for the car today.  our lease expired so we decided to buy it out.

5.  and then we took the kids out for dinner.  they were so well behaved and ate so well that it was almost a pleasant experience!

6.  7 more sleeps.

7.  next week is read-in week at school.  tons of readers, a crazy schedule and I am not at school tomorrow to get it all organized.  oh well.

8.  gonna call the tattoo place.

9.  hair cut & colour tomorrow.

10.  pedicure on sunday.  I need one SO badly.

and it's 8:42.  the kids are reading in bed.  and not fighting with me or each other.  I like this.

xoxo

I came here to get over you

my new favorite day?  wednesdays.  best. day. ever!  I start my day with teaching language arts to both of my classes, then one block of prep.  then lunch with my bestie [it's my no-supervision day!].  then my wednesday afternoons vary between being in the office doing principal kinds of things or working on other kinds of projects.  today, I was finalizing all my read-in week stuff for next week - scheduling, organizing, making a bulletin board!

then on wednesdays I usually pick up ty at my mom's.  tonight, I had some round-abouts and I picked ty up at my sister's after a rousing counseling session [I was on the receiving end, not the giving end!!  lol].  and then I went for a run [at my sister's on her treadmill].  it was good.  really good.

and night #2 of "the plan" went well, considering we didn't walk in the door until almost 8:30.  they were in their beds [the first time!] by 9:00 and asleep by 9:30.  there was a bit of coercing in the midway point, but for the first time in weeks, ty went to sleep in his own bed.  sigh.

so I am officially out of brandon flowers song titles.  tomorrow [or the next time I blog], I will need to start on something new, song wise!

but to end this post, I think I'll share with you my favorite song off this album:  welcome to fabulous las vegas [I know, no surprise!]

right behind you

I am almost out of brandon flowers song titles.  into the bonus tracks!

had a bit of a food moment today.  for the first time in a really long time, my belly decided to H-A-T-E me.  and dude, I was at school.  total suckage.  anyways, as strange as it sounds, I often get bad belly when I eat too much healthy food.  two days of oatmeal, couscous and steamed veg made for some unhappiness.  the only thing that seems to fix it is gas-x and some junk food.  for real.  so I ate half a cheeseburger and all was well.  so strange.  so, since I am totally over on my points today, I am having THIS for my snack.  LOVE the laughing cow cheese.  two pieces = one point.

and I started on a multi-vitamin today.  hoping to curb some of the general tiredness.  that combined with my new bedtime plan, I am hoping I can get some sleep.  the new plan, you ask?  well, it's a combination of a bedtime schedule and a reward plan.  both boys picked a prize and they are earning points to get it.  they helped establish the plan and I am hoping that will then build some vested interest/buy-in into it.  then we created a bedtime schedule.  nate really helped with it; he is learning to tell time so I'm hoping this will help him with that skill.  so far, so good.  we are 15 minutes behind schedule because I ran to get some groceries right in the middle of snack time - grapes were needed!  but, it's 8:50 and they are both in their beds.  not sleeping.  but not fighting with me.  we'll see.  I needed something to give, so I decided to look at this from a teacher perspective, not a parent perspective.  I have no idea if it will work, but at this point [and since running away from home is not an option] I need to try something.  I'll let you know if it works!

the clock was tickin'

my view from here!  I enjoy my hipstimatic app - I just don't use it often enough.  I am borrowing my mom's big camera to take to seattle, but I am thinking that the ol' iPhone hipstimatic may be a lovely addition as well!

10 more sleeps until I leave for seattle.  I am super excited, mainly because I haven't seen erika IRL in over two years.  that's two years too many!  and we found this coffee tour that I totally want to go on.  looks totally like something I could get into!  a walking coffee crawl.  sigh.  and dude, I totally want to see pike place market.  and the first starbucks evah.   10 more sleeps.  ha!  it's all good!

jacksonville

so tonight we are catching up on all the tv we pvr'ed this week.  all the shows that we usually watch and a bunch of new ones.  good times.  csi was good.  criminal minds was damn good.  liked hawaii 5-0 as well.  and glee.  glee was sweet.  LOL.  I do love glee.

anyways, I was told this last week that I reminded someone of penelope garcia from criminal minds.  my response was "thanks for the complement" and the reaction was "maybe it wasn't a complement!"  I say it was.  she is one of my favorite characters on tv.  as in fictional tv characters!  LOL  I totally don't have her sense of style, nor do I have her computer smarts, but I am a girl-geek!  and dude, she gets to sweet talk agent morgan every week.  sigh.

my favorite "real" person on tv right now is duff goldman.  yes, ace of cakes is my FAVE.  best show on the food network.  all my tv secrets are out.  I am a bit of an addict - but now a days, it's an addiction to my pvr so I don't ever have to view another commercial in my LIFE!

okay, we're watching ncis.  then ncis: la.  ll cool j.  double sigh.
xoxo

jilted lovers & broken hearts

it's back.  my sweet and lovely csi.  sigh.  I do love it.  I have to say that this makes up for three weeks of school - three weeks where I've not been able to sit on the couch, drink coffee and watch csi reruns!  and let's be honest, new episodes alway beat out the reruns [oh except warrick isn't on any more!!].

I really have nothing else to write about.  my happy moment is just that - happy!

I'm sure I could have come up with something extraordinary and deeply meaningful to write about tonight, but my brain is full and sleep is looking elusive once again.

xoxo

hard enough

so, had club tonight...we made three different cards.  these picture do not do them any justice!  love my iPhone and all, but it does not take good card pictures.  this first one is with very vanilla and cherry cobbler - looks more like white and pink!  much, MUCH nicer in person!

yeah, these look dorky too - LOL  I don't think I can win when I do this!  the bling doesn't even look like bling, but like some black dots over in the corner.  I love this combo of pumpkin pie and concord crush [it's like my poorly put together outfit from saturday...my inspiration].  looks better on paper than it does in my clothing!

and then there's my newly decorated but not done basement.  isn't the lovely shade of insulation-pink so super gorgeous?  TOTALLY!  you can kinda see my aqua floor.  and yes, I've stapled and bolted things to the wall.  it looks better IRL.  I do like how cozy it is - we had fun down there tonight!

I promised pictures and this is what you get - sad but true!  oh well, you kinda get an idea.  on friday they're coming in to clean our furnace and to fix a bunch of stuff, so I didn't do a whole lot.  there are still many boxes that need to be sorted through.  but now, at least, I have one more month before people have to see it again!!!

welcome to fabulous las vegas

my basement is 80% set up.  FINALLY.  I have a beautiful craft space, a lovely blue floor and I hung christmas lights up everywhere.  and when did it get done?  the night before the first night of club.  yes, I worked my arse off tonight so that I can host club tomorrow night.  I am the queen of procrastination.  on every level.  and although there are many boxes that still need to be unpacked, I got a lot accomplished tonight.  and that feels really good.  AND, I finally found my black shoes - the one pair that had been eluding me!  they were in a box that was under a few more boxes, down in the basement.  I had to clear a big space in my storage because the furnace is being cleaned on friday.  but, I have shoes!  still don't know what exactly we're making for club tomorrow night, but that's okay too.  I have tomorrow to come up with that!!

and did you watch the season premier of house tonight?  why not?  oh, you pvr'ed it?  well I would certainly hope so!  it was darn good.  LOL

I'll post my club projects tomorrow - I do have an idea in my head...

[btw, "club" is my stamp club - I have 8-10 women who come over to my house once a month to make cards!  if you want to come, drop me an email or leave a comment!]

magdalena

and this week's blog titles are brought to you by "flamingo" [go get yourself this album!!]...

went for a run this afternoon.  I am getting stronger.  I like that.  I was definitely more focused on the feeling than on the time, but I did manage a bunch of two and twos today [two minutes walking and two minutes running or inclining].  couldn't quite do one and twos, but that will come.  this comes the day after I saw the scale jump down another 2lbs this week, 4lbs in the last two weeks.  finally, some progress.

and in the sleep department?  yeah, THAT was a dream [pun intended!!].  ty woke up screaming at 230 this morning.  after the two times up out of bed and half an hour later, he ended up in our bed.  and I woke up with a sore back.  grrr.  well, it's not from a lack of trying, that's for sure.

so I don't know if I've talked about this at all, but I made an appointment to talk to a counsellor and I saw her for the first time last week.  there comes a point where blogging and talking to my girlfriends just isn't enough.  I probably needed to do this earlier this summer, but better late than never, right?  it was good to talk.  not like I need a lot of direction, because like she said, I do know what I need to do [denial isn't really a big issue for me], but I just need to get it all off my chest.  and she gave me some homework - to call my doctor and make an appointment and to get more sleep [ha!].  if even half of my issues are hormonal, that needs to be diagnosed by my doctor.  she also talked to me about finding a place of refuge when I'm feeling stressed out.  so today I locked myself in my closet so I could talk on the phone. I LOVE my closet and just sitting on the floor in there made me happy [strange, I know!].  and in dealing with my emotions in a healthier way, the boys seem more settled.  time-outs for mom is good.  what would be real refuge would be to sit in my closet and blog.  that would be happy-happy!!  I see her again in two weeks and hopefully I've made some progress on my "homework".

and alas, I should run to the store...but it's COLD.  wish me luck!
xoxo

only the young

I do love saturdays.  my mom-in-law took the kids over night last night which really meant one thing:  SLEEP!  I have not been sleeping well as of late [okay, like since the start of summer!] and one night of solid sleep was good for my mental health.  and tonight I'm aiming for another.  as sleep streak!  shocking.  I have some very sincere sympathy for my friends that are new moms.  this whole sleepless thing is not good.  not ever.

so I made it to the market this morning, wearing my new purple vest, only to realize that I had paired it with an orange shirt and a black scarf.  yeah, that was a bit of a fright.  I really need to start looking in a mirror before I leave the house!  the market wasn't super busy [like!] and I was able to get pasta, peppers and eggs!

and then, between a trip to costco, save-on and connie's house, I made it home at around 330!  really, a lovely saturday.  except for the cold.  it's super cold here.  like I need mittens kind of cold.  don't like that.  not on the 19th of september!

and now, the boys are in the bath.  they've had stellar behaviour all day [knock on fake wood].  I'm a bit baffled, yet not complaining!

so friends, what did you do today?  how do you spend your saturdays?  I'm feeling inquisitive!

on the floor

so I rarely buy entire albums as of late - I buy singles, songs I hear on the radio or that I've shazamed off of tv.  but very rarely an entire album with the bonus tracks to boot.  HOWEVER [you knew THAT was coming!], I was super excited for the brandon flowers new release "flamingo".  I had been hearing the song crossfire on the radio for a while and loved it.  and to be honest, I pretty much love most of the stuff that the killers have done, so I pre-ordered the new album that dropped on tuesday.  okay.  I L-O-V-E this album.  all of it.  I've actually  had time in the last couple of days to listen to it back to back and it's one of those albums that are just solid from front to back.  and oddly enough, my favorite track is on the floor which has a bit of an old country twang sound.  not my usual sound, but I'm drawn to it lyrically.  and yes, it's an easy sell for me.  everyone knows I have a serious crush on vegas.  it's not a killers album by any stretch of the imagination - very little of their synth-keys sound, but brandon flowers has a distinctive voice and it's not easy to miss the killers signature sound, if only in his vocals.  I don't review albums often [ever], but I am in love.  and a bit addicted.  will brandon flowers want to be my new boyfriend?  we'll see!

me and julio down by the school yard

is that even the title of the song?  little bit of paul simon tonight.

okay boys and girls, it's book review time.  and strangely enough, I'm not even done reading the book!!

Grace is for Sinners by serena woods is a book that I had heard about via all my summer blog hopping. I was drawn to it for many reasons, one being that I can relate to parts of her personal story and two, I can relate to the church part of her story.  so, I ordered it, via my local christian bookstore and started reading it last night.  although I am not quite done [I have three chapters left], I'm thinking that someone is speaking my language.  the language of who I am  - a sinner.  I have struggled for a long, long time with the church's general reaction to sinners.  I have had an extraordinary time trying to reconcile what I've read in the Bible with what I've seen practiced.  part of me is comforted that my experiences are not isolated.  I am not alone.  my upbringing, albeit very different than serena's, ended up in the same place - a place where for years I was proud of my christian accomplishments, not willing to see that I could and would fall.  and my story is embedded in a language that is similar to serena's.  a language that is filled with hate in the name of a God who truly loves.  I just am not too sure if I really understand how deeply I am loved.  I am not there yet.  my relationship with God has been really surface.  a lot of showing up, but not being honest.  a lot of tantruming and not a lot of listening.  the selfish part of me isn't really willing to totally let go yet, but I am going to take this book and it's message for the sign that it is and I am going to start rebuilding a crumbling heart.  

I have shared some of my issues over the last few months.  my issues with my weight.  my issues with my emotions.  my issues with my kids and my frustrations with change that I know needs to happen in my life.  in the past, I would have said to someone, anyone, that I know it needs to come from a deeper place, but after reading this book [or most of it], I know that saying it and living it are so different from each other.  my relationship with God needs to be a priority.  I just know that it's going to have to come at a cost and I am not there yet.  but I am looking up at that mountain.  I am finally at the base of it.  and I'm a bit freaked out.  there is a lot of pain from my childhood - my overly churched childhood - that needs to be worked through.  it's like throwing up a little bit in your mouth.  gross and icky.  but in this case, it's time to stop masking the pain.  time to stop eating to numb the pain.  it's time to just start feeling it.  and dealing with it.

okay, so that's more about me than about the book!!!  the book is really good.  and if you are a sinner, like me and you often feel inwardly or outwardly ostracized by the church, this book is for you.  you are not alone.  and neither am I.  if you need forgiveness, this book is for you.  if you need to forgive, this book is for you.  and most importantly, if you are lost and need God's grace, this book will point you in that direction.  so go!  go now and get yourself a copy!!  I'm going to spend the next few minutes finishing the last few chapters...

house of the rising sun

so tonight was good.  sweet, sweet, good.  we had a par-tay at church tonight...tons of people, a lot of good food.  and part of the party was "bring your instrument".  well, I can't quite bring mine, but we have a keyboard & an organ [of the keyboard variety] in the building, so it was all good.  we started jamming at 7 or so and didn't end until after 9.  two hours of playing random songs and just jamming with our group.  some bluegrass, some country, some beatles, some dylan.  leonard cohan's hallelujah.  it was all good.  okay, maybe not so good when we didn't have music and it was too complicated to hear it out, but for the most part, it was all good!

it's been a long, long time since I've been able to play like that - just chilled, no pressure.  not that when I play I ever feel that pressure, but tonight was different.  I only play the piano at church for the most part - and really that's maybe once a month.  back in the day [like 10 years ago...wowzers!], I was playing three times a week - wednesday night for choir, saturday mornings for rehearsal, then sundays for choir and worship.  I played with the same five or six people over the course of about seven years.  and we would jam.  and just play. and no one had small kids, so you could just hang out.  then we left shiloh and I went to just playing once a week.  and trust me, that was a good change - three times a week made for a hectic schedule and occasionally bloody fingers.  then when we started going to next, my playing schedule went to once a month, which is really a good thing.  I play with the same group of guys every month [I am one of two girls in our little band!] and we have a good time, but we haven't played together in a long time.  so tonight was sweet.  I some times forget how therapeutic playing the piano can be.  it's good for the soul.  and good for my brain.  and I so enjoyed doing it with friends tonight.  I am grateful for the opportunity to hang out with such talented, talented musicians.  they make me a better musician.

baby, I like it

sorry, some guy is singing on america's got talent - apparently this is the name of the song!  okay, and not just "some guy" but enrique iglesias!  totally off topic, before I even start!!

okay, so I still hurt from the stupid workout tape from sunday.  like sore knees, hams, quads.  grrr.  so because tomorrow is my running day and I want to be well enough to run, I've opted to NOT do the damn workout tape until thursday!  I did walk yesterday.  and avoided sugar.  and alcohol.  but today, I've hit one out of three and that's just because I haven't had a drink yet!  just kidding.  sorta.  I learned a tough lesson today.  I did not pack enough lunch today and resorted to the m&ms hiding in my drawer.  I was SOOOO hungry and I had nothing else.  and it has just rolled downhill from there.  sheesh.  I am totally still in my points, but a sad, sad beginning.  LOL

alas, the truth hurts sometimes.  but if I can choose different tomorrow, then it's all good.  right?

rewind

my. butt. hurts.

and my legs.  and my abs.  and my arms.  let's just chalk this up to first time moving those muscles in a wee while.  and a decent video.  if I wasn't hurting, I'd be worried.  but still.  BRUTAL!

timer's ringing.  the pumpkin muffins are done...I'll maybe write more later!!

swallow it

so these are the pictures my mom took with her good camera - a little better than the phone!

so I've been working on goal setting this week with my kids at school. I've been explaining to them that it's not just about setting a goal, but outlining the steps to reach their goals. so I'm thinking that I should maybe do the same. I have this uber big goal. I want to lose 10 pounds [well, actually 12, but I am going at this in 10 pound increments]. so really, it's all nice and fancy to talk about it, but I need to be accountable for the steps I'm going to take to get there. so here are my steps:

#1 I am going to move everyday. I bought this little 20 min exercise video "losing it and keeping fit" with valerie bertinelli. I did it tonight and it's a good workout. a lot of squats. a lot of lunges. and abs. holy dinah. I like that there's two or three levels on the first level. and there was stuff I couldn't do tonight. this gives me hope! I want to do this vid at least 5 times a week, then on wednesdays, when I am picking ty up after music, I'll do a good old-fashioned run on the treadmill at my mom & dad's.

#2 I am going to cut out refined sugar. it's killing me to even type it. no m&m's until these 10lbs are gone [then maybe I'll have a wee bit of a celebration!!]. no lovely treats from starbucks. no added sugar. no baking [unless it's of the healthy, pumpkin muffin variety - low sugar, vegan, high flavour]. no cake. no white bread [this is easy, I detest the stuff!]. I have a pretty big sugar addiction, and it's not a good thing.

#3 no alcohol. not ever, just not until these 10lbs are gone. this is my 10lb plan not my "rest of my existence" plan. I need to detox for a lot of reasons, but this is a good excuse to have some clean living for the next 5 weeks or so.

I am going to continue following the weight watchers plan, as I've been doing, but just kick it up a notch with these three things. in 5 weeks, I'll be in Seattle. I have every intention of getting my tattoo when I'm there. a tattoo that I will only get if I reach this goal. that and I'd like to fit back into the size 14 jeans that are in my closet. sheesh. tomorrow morning, I'm going to weigh in and take some measurements [because let's be honest, it's not all about the number on the scale. size 14 jeans will fit if the waist & hips are a couple of inches smaller!]. so, there's the big goal. right now, it seems insurmountable, but I know that if I follow my plan, the goal will be accomplished. I just need to remember how good it feels to be down to 190. oh, that's right, I've never been there!!! that's how good it'll feel!

life is a highway

well, he LOVES school. I figured he might. this is always my big worry, that the first day EVER will suck. you only get one shot at a first day. there were no tears. no, this kid is the big kid on campus. he knows everyone and everyone loves ty! nate didn't quite have the benefit of this type of notoriety in kindergarten, so it will be interesting to see how it plays out!

and our school does staggered entry, so basically they split the kindergarten class into three groups and each group went to school one day this week. well ty's little friend went on wednesday morning and he went on thursday morning. and then he told me that him and brandon were going to walk together today. and there was no telling him that they weren't going today! that's a good sign.

my mom walked him [there are better pictures coming, this one was taken with her bb!] and he walked back to our day home with a couple of grade 6 girls. in HEAVEN. what a kid. I'm excited to see what this school year brings for him.