o christmas tree

I've been finding christmas decoration modifications all around the house.  this one made me laugh so hard.  an old [like we're talking 10+ years] starbucks bear/magnet/snowman was attached to ty's stocking holder!!  {#47}

this picture is hard to see - I couldn't get a good one [we're in picture avoidance mode], but ty made himself lunch today.  he asked for two pieces of cheese and two pieces of bread.  he slapped them together with crackers in the middle and proceeded to eat the whole thing up!  so much independence...even more than his brother.  {#48}

new furniture arrangements...moved the couch and chair.  I like it.  the kids don't.  shocking, I know.  I spent most of yesterday lazing around on the couch.  then, out of the blue, I smelled a foul smell.  like something was burning.  oh yes.  the top third of the tree was in the process of having its lights go ka-put.  just glad I was home to smell it!  so, it's now disconnected and looks like a wonky tree with the bottom two-thirds happily lit, and the top?  not so much so!  {#49}

the view from my back window yesterday - love the sun.  love the sun setting and the colours it creates on the snow!  {#50}  the days are getting shorter, for one more week and it's gotten pretty snowy and cold the last few days.  but I am so glad that the sun shines regardless of the cold.

little drummer boy

so last night was my staff christmas party.  we hosted.  we drank some martinis.  we laughed.  we did a tacky gift exchange.  I ended up with a whip.  yeah.  good, good times! {#45...how can I not count a whip??} my sister took the kids overnight [and still has them!], so we got to sleep in and just laze around.  big mugs of coffee with bailey's [because there's no cream in the house], having brunch with the big boy.  {#46}

oh, and we re-arrainged all the furniture last night for the party.  we're going to try a different set up for a while!  and, I have big plans to hit the basement in a bit - to do some crafting.  yippie!

the first noel

sarah blogged today about simplistic joy - which is kinda funny/ironic, considering what I was thinking about this morning, on the way to work.  I wrote earlier this week about a thankful heart looking like a joy-filled heart so I'm thinking more today about the things I am thankful for, so I am attributing these to my {joy} list, but officially calling it my "I'm thankful for it" list!!

{#40} air miles - see the picture below?  the answer to the question is what I have to pay my dad for the flight.  I am thankful that my dad was able to make this happen for me - considering the late notice!

{#41} the car wash.  I never wash my car enough.  it always rains when I do.  and to be honest, all winter long I park on the road and it would just freeze.  freeze completely shut.  ask me how I know...LOL.  anyways, not that long ago, on a random saturday, I got a text from john saying that he had cleaned out the garage.  he had made some space for my car.  so, yesterday on my way home from picking up the kids, we went to the car wash.  because for the first time, I have a place to park it after it's been washed.  this morning, nothing was frozen.  

{#42} the natester.  my kids drove me nuts last night, and because of that I need to be thankful and joy-filled because of who they are, not what they do.  he came and gave me a hug last night and told me he loved me.  and then he went to bed with no problems.  nate is a kind, caring, sensitive boy and I am so thankful that he is my first born.

{#43} the big t.  so fierce.  so passionate.  so independent.  he can be so incredibly awful with his mouth when he's angry and frustrated and I know that two seconds later he will fake an injury so he can come for a hug and some cuddles without losing face.  ty brings so much joy to our lives and I am incredibly lucky to be his mom.

{#44} this damn plate of eggs.  okay, the picture does it no justice.  and I thought I was doing something good for myself.  I made a frittata - I sauteed some onions, added an egg and some egg whites and some laughing cow cheese on top.  like three points, max.  then I baked it in the oven, threw some salsa and sour cream on it and ate it for dinner.  well, turns out there were too many onions.  serious stomach issues.  I couldn't get up off the couch at one point.  not good at all.  HOWEVER, it meant that I was in bed by 830.  and this was a good, good thing.  so even if the egg event was potentially nasty, I am thankful that it happened so that I could get a really long, good nights sleep.  'cause I needed that!

deck the halls

a busy day.  as they all are, I suppose.  I am having some problems reflecting on my day, in the evening.  it's almost like my brain is in such overload that I can't process.  so I won't.  not tonight.  I'll finish this up in the morning - when I'm in a good clear head space.

new morning.  new day.  better/different head space.  so I'll give it a name and give it a number.  {#34}  there is a verse in psalms that talks about God's mercies being new every morning.  okay, totally can't find the verse, but the lyrics from "Great is Thy Faithfulness" says it well - "morning by morning new mercies I see".  that's how I feel today.

I've been in a bit of an emotional fog the last couple of days - trying to balance my being busy with relationships. I am struggling with this.  people talk to me and in the moment, I'm there.  kinda.  I just feel distracted.  pulled.  tugged at.  from something deep within. my frustrations with my kids has been at about an 8.5 [out of 10!] and I find myself yelling more than I'd like.  this morning, today, I was reminded that grace covers all my sin {#35} the big and the small.

and maybe bigger than all of this, I felt like I made some progress on the ol' couch yesterday [okay, so my counselor doesn't have a couch, just a chair! you know what I mean!]. {#36}  spending that hour talking is starting to pay off.  I don't leave so frustrated.  so anxious to get to the needed spots.  forgetting that the journey is sometimes more important than the journey.  {#37}

and in other news - I'm going stateside for a mini shopping trip in 10 days.  two full days of outlet shopping and TARGET!  this little mini trip is john's christmas present to me [super kind, and forever grateful for air miles!].  there has been a lot of water that has passed under the bridge of my life in the last six months.  that's what happens when the rapids are more fierce than normal!  this trip is a bit of a chance to breath.  {#38} and be good.  good with me.  good with this journey that I'm taking.  and to just spend a few days taking care of myself.  and shop.  {#39}

jingle bells

tuesday.  general mayhem.  it's been an odd day.  not bad, just odd.  I wasn't in the classroom today - I had a day to plan with my divisional team.  okay, well two thirds of us were there.  literally two out of three!

I started this post last night and totally had a block.  complete exhaustion from a week [as in the last 5-6 days] of sheer busy/crazy schedule.  so I closed the computer and just watched glee.  mindless and more mindless.  just enough to stop the flow of traffic in my head and get to sleep.  some days, finding joy is more difficult than others.  but now that my head is clear and I've had two-thirds of my americano, I feel like I can take a stab at my tuesday.  the tuesday of general mayhem!

so, maybe not joy, but thankfulness for a day to plan with my colleagues.  and it was good planning.  work got done, we collaborated and we made a plan for january with language arts that I am really excited about.  and I really hope my students like it too!! {#29}

and after school, I drove over to my kid's school for parent-teacher interviews.  it's always interesting being the parent and a teacher.  I know too much!  but for all the trauma my kids give me at home, my heart was so joy-filled when I heard what their teachers had to say about them.  ty is sweet and kind {#30}.  he is helpful, respectful and loves to explore his creative side in his classroom{#31}.  these are things that I know to be true about my little boy, but it's hard to see them when I don't usually get kind and respectful at home.  it was really nice to hear that he gives no attitude at school and that he is friends with everyone.

perhaps I heard the nicest complement from nate's teacher.  she told me that we must be doing something right with our kids.  that they are a reflection of good parenting and that nate has such a sweet, gentle, helpful spirit {#32}.  it is sometimes so difficult for me to take a complement like that because I know that although john and I have the biggest impact on our kids, that really there is a community that is helping us raise them.  my parents, john's mom, aunts and uncles, our church family, friends, neighbours, connie.  it's not just us.  and for that I am so incredibly thankful/joy-filled {#33}.  so I told the kids what their teachers had said and it was an opportunity to tell them how proud I am of them.  I need to do that more.

I wonder what joy this lovely wednesday will bring...

carol of the bells

just makes you want to sing it, eh?  LOL

tonight is a list night.
{#26} walked 5k tonight.  yeah, my exercise motivation has been nil.  nada.  zero.  so in a lovely -12 degrees celsius, we strapped on our shoes and toques and hit the pavement.  and it felt really good.  to walk and to spend time chatting with my walking buddy!

{#27} story time has been really good with the kids - for as much as they didn't really want to do this with me, we are enjoying the few minutes reading together.  and I am enjoying teaching the boys about advent [filling the calendar with candy totally helps!]

and honestly, that may be the end of my list today.  I was so exhausted all day that it was seriously a coffee driven, auto-pilot day.  monday's are allowed to be blah, aren't they?  that and my kids are being rather awful and I am too tired to deal.  it's good to know, as always, that tomorrow is a new day - fresh with no mistake in it.  I'll chalk that up to {joy #28}

joy to the world pt 2

so, today we celebrated JOY as part of advent.  the songs, the sermon...all joy.  there was a verse in matthew that dean sited - matthew 2:10

"When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy."

and it made me think about the whole concept of joy.  and although it may seem like I'm rehashing the entire sermon today, really it was all up there in my head prior to stepping foot in church this morning!!  joy is internal.  it's a state of being.  a characteristic of God.  it's not moved by circumstances.  joy is not happiness.

I remember having this conversation with my dad a number of years ago.  it was about what kinds of things could wreck you as an individual and completely decimate your faith.  I was saying to him that I really didn't believe that his faith/joy/love could be wrecked beyond repair - and I could say that boldly, knowing my dad and the example he has set for me. maybe naively so, my thing was that really nothing destroy me as a human being and completely destroy my faith [and I would subsequently say my joy?] and my dad was saying that perhaps it could be shaken, but not shattered.  [and we were being morbid - talking about losing a spouse, a child, sickness, etc.]

now in all fairness, I've never had to go through that kind of suffering.  most of my suffering is self-induced.  has my joy wavered?  yeah.  my dad however, yeah he was busy praising God even when he was in the middle of his major heart event.  drugged up and barely able to hold his head up, he was still thanking God.  his joy was intact.  I'm not there yet.  and that's okay.  I'm learning.

I also know that sometimes behaviour has to change before attitudes do [good old educational change theory!].  and my grumpy, icky attitude is beginning to change as I begin to recognize the joy in my life - the things that bring real joy, not just temporary happiness.  okay, I may have some "happiness" things on my joy list [like a good piece of baklava or a cup of coffee], but these are things that sometimes just take me to a place of thankfulness and I highly suspect that a thankful heart is a joy-filled heart.

so all of this is my {#21}.

{#22} worship this morning - and having the opportunity to worship with a keyboard under my fingers.
{#23} reading to my boys tonight, telling them the story of joseph and the angel in his dream.
{#24} watching the boys play with their cousins - kids they only usually see twice a year ['cause they're really my cousin's kids!!]
{#25} ty learning how to use his new-to-him, old-to-me, found-in-a-cupboard iPod nano.

how is your joy ride going?

joy to the world

well, I survived the first of two busy-crazy-insane weekend days.  and I actually did more than just survive it, I enjoyed it.  due to my picture issues, I'm going to work backwards!  I had my stamp-a-stack this afternoon.  it was the biggest one I've ever hosted - 20 ladies came!  CRAZY!  everyone brought a snack to share and a willingness to try new things and it was a wonderful four hours!  {#16}  these are the cards we made - at least I remembered to take pictures of these!!  the only real complain that I got was that I didn't make any mulled cider and here I thought that no one really liked it!!  I was told that it would go well for me if I ensured that I had some next year!  good times!

 {the snowflake card}

{the ornament card}

{the snowman card - my personal favourite out of the bunch!}

 {gift tags}

{the gift card/christmas tree card}

and this morning, we carried on a tried and true tradition of going to my cousin's house to decorate gingerbread houses {#17}.  we've been doing this since the kids were super little and for the first time, they were old enough to do most everything on their own.  katherine makes houses for each of the kids and a baggie of seriously good icing and they just go to town!  I truly believe that the extended family is good for kids - they surround our core nucleus with something greater than what john and I can give.  it's that second layer of love, support and encouragement that we treasure.  {#18}  although there is never enough time and never a good time, the time we do spend with my extended family, especially around christmas, is super special [and we get a whole lot more of it tomorrow with our "huising family christmas" celebration!].  ty is already talking about getting to play with josh & hudson tomorrow [josh & hudson are my cousin's kids...].

and we started our day off with a trip to the soccer centre to watch nate play indoor soccer.  ty and I were super late, but we caught the second half.  and we lost, but nate played well and his little u-8 team is fun to cheer for!!  {#19}

and then I think I'll bounce back to the end of my day - I have been trying to read a kid-version of the nativity story to the boys every night.  the whole advent calendar hasn't really been making a huge connection, but this little chapter book seems to have captured their attention.  anyways, the part of the story we read today was based on mary and elizabeth and mary's song.  it comes to mind now when I reflect on my day and on the joy it brought. {#20}

“my soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior...for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name."  {luke 1:46, 47 & 49} 

joy ride

so, didn't get a chance to blog yesterday.  for starters, I left my computer at school yesterday and secondly, we had a houseful over for dinner last night {#8}.  we had our small group christmas potluck last night - what a wonderful time!  didn't take any pictures, but our first house wrecker was a joyous occasion.  the turkey was a hit {#9}, I learned how to make gravy from scratch - the real way {#10} and I had great fun with andrea, cooking and prepping and serving {#11}!!  and then, after everyone left, brenda stayed and hung out with the kids & I while we cleaned up {#12}.  although I was pretty shattered today, it was a good day!

today was good too!  the kids let me go downstairs and prep for my stamp-a-stack tomorrow.  I put the christmas music on and now everything is done and ready to go!

one of my cards from the other night that is the inspiration for a card that we're doing tomorrow!  {#13}

christmas music playing - the first listen through on my bebe winans' cd - christmas prayer!  {#14}

and all my supplies packaged and getting ready to be packed up {#15}.  we have an early start to the day tomorrow with a ton of stops and things, so I am praying that I will be less focused on being stressed by the clock and the kids and joy-filled as we go to soccer, to my cousin's to make gingerbread houses, to my card extravaganza and to the christmas open house we may or may not make it to!  what did you do today that was a joy ride?

joy and pain

...sunshine and rain.  oh so retro late 80's!

so I found a bunch of lovely bits of joy today, in a day filled with much more than just one or two [which was the low number I had anticipated!!].  I had a kid own up to some serious stuff today in a way that was mature and lovely.  I had a kid text me to ask if I was feeling better.  I had another kid turn a pretty bad attitude around into something that was kind and respectful.  and the sun was shining!  so, I took a picture of my sun-filled, christmas-light-adorned classroom to represent the joy I found at work today {#1-4}

and we have our small group coming over tomorrow night for a christmas potluck.  so in preparation for this, I have a turkey in the oven.  I am pre-cooking it so that others can use the oven tomorrow!  plus, my mom does this every year for christmas and swears that her turkeys taste better!  I'll cook it, chill it, and slice it tomorrow!  it's a bit of joy as prepping for company makes me happy - it gives me joy to host this event every year.  and more importantly, an opportunity to share that joy with the giving and sharing of my home. {#5}

and joy in the two moments I had alone to run some errands - to the drug store and for a coffee.  and plus, even for all you starbucks haters, they were donating $0.05 per cup to the global fund to help fight aids in africa.  plus, with their 12 days of christmas, for every time you watch the new killer's single {boots} they also donate...I like this.  go, go watch it!!  I adore brandon flowers!!  {#6}

and last, but not least, {#7}.  baklava.  the best I've ever had in my life.  it melted in my mouth.  sigh.

what joy did you find today?  join the joy movement!!

joyful, joyful we adore thee

grrr.  lost my post!  highly ironic, considering it's content!

so, THIS came to me in the night time, via email.  impeccable timing - never is it random, eh?  it has lead to some major thoughts pinging in my head.  mmmm.  thinking.  but I will take a pause to enjoy the coffee that my dear husband just walked into the house with.

I'm at home today - have a full physical booked with my dr.  fun.  super, duper fun!  so I've been finishing my christmas decorating.  the boys are assuming that there is candy in this advent calendar, but I actually hid my mini nativity pieces in it.  this is to coincide with the advent calendar I'll be doing with the kids this year:  THIS ONE!  lewis does good work and although he's not even sure how to explain the "christmas hens" sticker, I think it will be a good combination of teaching and celebration this advent season.

so, on the joy thing.  I need more joy.  joy in the anticipation of the season.  joy in slowing down and taking some deep breaths of cold air.  joy in giving.  joy in hospitality.  joy in belonging.  this season, as busy as it can get, needs to be reclaimed.  redone.  renewed.  so I am committing to one hundred joys.  [hashtag it on twitter #100joys]  I am also committing to a daily read through our devotional "reclaiming christmas".  one for my kids directly and two for me [and for my kids indirectly!!].  what can you commit to this advent season?

and I've asked it before, as it's becoming my focus question for this season, but what can you give to the King?  [y'all know that you are allowed to leave comments, right?  it's okay.  you can do it.  lol]

blister in the sun

well christmas exploded at our house.  we have people coming over on thursday night for a par-tay, so it needed to happen sooner than later!  with that and club tonight, I've been a busy girl!  I actually feel like I have my craft space set up in a way that I like.  or maybe more importantly, where I can find everything!  and I found my books.  and now they are nicely sitting on shelves.  I feel like this.  I like unpacking.  and sorting.  and throwing things in the trash.  and I like that christmas matches my house.  RED!  still have a tree to decorate, but that can happen tomorrow.

it was some kind of busy this past weekend - three birthday parties, a little football game, a soccer game, a sleepover and church.  phew.  it was busy, but it all got done.  this week and subsequently the weekend, are just as busy.  oh well, there isn't much I can do about it - I guess it's just a case of holding on for dear life and enjoying the ride.

and this quote from my lovely tv watching tonight is fairly appropriate:  "keep your wits sharp, your heart open and your gun loaded" [hetty from ncis: la]

ha!

o come, o come emmanuel

on the eve of the night before the first sunday of advent, I've been trying to decide what to do to celebrate advent.  I really find that the christmas season, for as long as it is, is so bloomin' short.  I find it difficult to get into the spirit of the season - for me, I'm usually feeling it not until christmas eve, and then it's too late!  so this year, in an attempt  to put christ back into christmas, I am going to actively work at promoting advent in our house.  the four sundays leading up to christmas are going to be times to spend teaching the boys about giving.  not too sure what that's going to look like quite yet, since this sunday [tomorrow!] is grey cup sunday - I leave the house at 8am and won't see the kids again until after 9pm.  however, I could spend some time on monday.  busy is our current reality, so there isn't any purpose in fighting it.  but I can defer.  and reprioritize.  in the same vein, our church has created a daily devotional for the advent season.  if you go to the links on the right, there is one called "next".  then click on "our community" and there is a pdf file called "reclaiming christmas devotional 2010".  it's a great devotional for advent --- okay, not biased at all, considering I wrote two of the devotions.

so, to begin a celebration of sorts, a newish version of this old hymn:

something greater

so I follow a few blogs.  no surprise.  really, I quote people ALL the time!  I found this post yesterday and I think I listened to this song five or six times.  you know when things happen at specific times for specific reasons?  I mean lots of times that happens, only occasionally we're aware of them happening.  yesterday, finding this song, was in some sort of perfect vortex of time and space.  I needed it right then.

your doubt will turn to knowing
your faith with turn to showing
and you will find your life
in something greater {m. thompson}

as much as it would be easy to believe that the world is random, I just can't believe that.  nothing is random.  everything is connected.  people.  events.  relationships.  a passing wave.  communities.  strangers.  there are reasons greater than my knowledge as to why I know you and why you know me.  I am toying with the idea that I have forgotten this.  taken advantage of it even.  chosen not to connect.  or reconnect.  not listened to my gut when I know I should have.  I'm veering a bit.  regardless, connection and meaning and purpose come from something greater.  something better.  and although I struggle with trusting myself and God in those moments of doubt and pain, I hear this song.  not the day before, not a day too late, but right in that correct, unrandom [just made up that word!] moment.  just being shown the sign again that I am not alone.  not random.  not unworthy.  another sign of grace.  another sign that God is calling my name.

and now I found this - Jeremiah 29:11b-14

"...I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.  "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." 

promises made to a different people in a different time, yet still relevant to me.  right here.  right now.  another sign.  I have a strong feeling that it's my time to start paying attention.  I have been asleep for far too long.  because these signs have always been there.  I just haven't been awake to see them.

sing for me

and so it begins.  just a few more days left in november.  a few more days until the start of advent.  I want to celebrate advent with my kids this year, but I don't have anything formulated in my head yet.  I know I just have a few days to pull it together, but I am thinking that it may be an opportunity to mark a change in our traditions.  perhaps I need to scout out a wreath and some pillar candles - an easy fix that is a bit more sturdy than a traditional wreath.  that and a bible for each of the boys.  mmmmm.  see my head is moving.  I have great plans to set up christmas next week some time, but perhaps I will do it this weekend [between all the birthday parties, sleep overs and grey cup games!].

what do you do for advent?  how do you bring the real meaning of christmas home to your kids?

do I want to model a super hectic, super crazed, gift-based season?  no.  but that's what happens.  when really my focus needs to be "what can I bring to the king?".  I guess I have an opportunity to change it.  to redeem it for my kids.  to make it old-school.  things to ponder...

12:59 lullaby

generally I like mondays.  they are "get back into the swing of things" kinds of days.  today, not so much.  I am thinking it's a combination of super cold weather, a full moon and the damn riders making it to the grey cup, but what a start!

first, I am so incredibly thankful that john decided to make space in the garage for my wee car.  seriously, he texted me on saturday and I just about sat there and cried.  I hate my car [only in the winter!] when it's minus 30 and it takes half way to school just to get some heat happening.  it's a little tin bucket on wheels.  it's great for manoeuvring into little spaces [like my garage!!] and great for shifting down when you feel the slide happen under your tires, but it does not love the cold.  and my lovely husband cleared a big enough space for the wee wave to fit.  okay, so on the first try I couldn't open my doors, but he fixed that too!  so really, it never occurred to me, going from house to garage to car that it was MINUS 30 something outside.  yeah.  me in mittens, a vest and a sweater heading off down the henday to school.  S-M-A-R-T.  I think it was actually -35 with the windchill this morning [that's -31F, my american friends].  good, good times.  needless to say, we don't stay home from school on days like today.  oh no friends, we make our kids go to school, only we don't let them go outside to play.  that's right.  indoor recess.  all three of them.  sigh.  yeah, you see where this is going, right?  that and I was "in the office/teaching" all day.  good, good times.  LOL  now combine cold temperatures with the tail end of a full moon and we've got fun.  yeah, I may have torn a strip off a kid today.  no tolerance for crap.

wow.  that was a long "first".  and then there is football.  so john and I get to go to the grey cup on sunday.  the biggest party in canada.  the biggest football game in canada.  I've never been.  so we added on tickets to our season tickets this year, since edmonton is hosting.  I am super excited, but not so excited about my choices to cheer for.  they guys from the east or the guys who wear the wrong green.  and watermelons on their heads.  shit.  but it is suppose to warm up before sunday.  I can sit in the stands and drink hot chocolate if it's -5.  shucks, I may even enjoy some football at that temperature!  we're hoping to take the boys to the parade on saturday - hopefully we can make that happen.  being the mom of boys, with a sports-loving husband really means I'd better like sports too, because I'm going to be going along for the ride...I might as well enjoy it!

how was your monday??

down by the riverside

I think I have a future blogger in my house.  ty came home with a journal on friday - something he can just work on, at his own pace at home.  yeah.  it's almost half full...all the things we did this weekend.  although I have to tell him how to spell most of the words, I don't help with the actual sentences or the illustrations.  nate never did this - never showed this much interest.  I LOVE THIS!!

 {I was build lego}

 {we are watching tv}

 {I went to a space science center}

{nate went to a soccer game}

the illustrations crack me up.  there are some SERIOUS hands on those soccer players.  and the eyes rock!!  he takes his journal and pencil everywhere.  the first two entries [not pictured!] were written in the car on the way home on friday after school.  the whole thing just warms my heart!

love you, ty-ty!

xoxo

uncloudy day

so tonight has been "camp-out" night.  the kids have a ton of blankets and pillows all over the floor and they are having a treehouse marathon.  well, one is asleep already, so poor ty doesn't count!  I had promised them earlier this week, so we'll see how they sleep tonight.  me, on the other hand, I am literally falling asleep as I write.  totally and utterly exhausted.  but report cards are done and out.  sigh.

okay, maybe profoundness will hit me tomorrow...off to bed, kids!
xoxo

hey jude

so today was an icky eating day.  except for tonight.  I discovered a new favourite.  okay, so I didn't really discover it today, but tonight, after my icky eating, I ate something clean.  lovely.  yummy.  I had bought some organic blue corn tortilla chips last week and tonight I had them with salsa and my new sour cream.  okay.  I've been eating fat-free sour cream for...well, forever.  so, in an effort to eat food that is better for me, I bought some locally made sour cream and yogert this week.  this stuff ROCKS!  it's not thinned out, runny crap.  it's yummy!  and only 60 cal for 2 tbsp.  give me this any day.

and I looked these guys up and they are my people.  yes, immigrated to Canada from Holland.  I like that.  plus, I can read all the ingredients on the label [okay, not the french part, but you get the idea!].  I like that too.

hard day's night

okay, so I figured out what I did with my computer.  I apparently double downloaded something and I currently have two profiles.  my old one and my new one.  my old one has all my playlists.  and email folders.  my new one, the one I spent hours getting set up to my specifications - no playlists and no email folders.  grrr.  double grrr.  LOL

I seem to take the hard route all the time.  macs are suppose to be easy.  well, apparently, they are too easy for me so I make it complicated.  I think I do this more often than I care to recognize.  and I guess my relationship with my computer is a metaphor for my life.  am I really that sad and predictable?  yep.  absolutely.  ha!  it's all come down to this - a split external drive and a trash can and never enough space on the hard drive to function at full speed.  totally sounds like me.  lots of apps, not enough memory.  I could go on.

in other news, I registered for the hypo half yesterday.  yes, I am walking a half marathon at the end of february.  in edmonton.  I must be smoking something.  holy wowzers.  did 4k last night with our class and I'm heading to my mom & dad's tomorrow after school to do 3-4k on the treadmill.  so far so good.  okay, so it would help if the halloween chocolate would go away. a bit too tempting.  I can't just have one piece.  it yells at me to come back for more.  damn it.  other than the tuesday night indiscretions, my whole "clean eating" endeavour is going pretty well.  not perfect, but not awful either.  it's feeling better.  other than the full on sugar cravings.  oh well, a bit of a work in progress.  I am not giving up.

when you say nothing at all

just wanted to post this link tonight.  it kinda encompasses my thoughts today.  I wasn't going to blog at all today, yesterday still lingers in my heart and I feel weary - in a good way.  so I'm going to just shut up now.  and you...you go read THIS.

redemption song

redemption.  what is that?  one definition I found said this:  "deliverance; rescue".

I just found a verse in Isaiah that jumped out at me.  God is talking to Israel, via Isaiah but today, perhaps today He's talking to me.  this is Isaiah 43:1b-4 [from the message]:

"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you..."

redemption.  grace.  love.  maybe it's time to take my eyes off my unworthiness.  my inadequacies.  my imperfections.  this is a promise that is so rich, so pure, so deep that I have to give up.  I have to cave.  I talk a lot about grace. but there is a big part of me that struggles to get my head around that kind of love.  I struggle to accept that I'm worthy.  and then I see this  "...I'd sell off the world to get you back, trade the creation just for you..." and in this moment I feel more shamed that I can't accept grace than in the life I've lead up to this point.  so I think, no I know, that I need to surrender.  I need to give up the fight.  I need to process this - work through my head right now.  I wasn't sure how this post would develop.  and now I don't know how to end it.  I usually think through my head when I blog and now, as I blog, I need to do the reverse.  think about what I've written.

waiting on an angel

so john and I are in jasper for the weekend.  it's his birthday on monday and I thought it'd be nice to get away, just the two of us.  we left after work yesterday and leave tomorrow morning.  so today we've just been hanging out, checking out the shops, getting coffee...that kind of fun stuff.  we're going for dinner tonight.  there may be wine involved.  this afternoon, I went for a walk by myself - with the running shoes, so it was a "for real" walk.  did about 4.5k.  I am suppose to do 7k this weekend, so if I add in the distance john and I walked this morning, I should be okay.  and hey, we have to walk to go for dinner this evening too, so I will be well over the 7k mark.  good times.

okay, and this lovely picture I took this morning.  john has been growing a moustache in support of "movember".  although he isn't raising money, he decided he'd grow one for moral support.  well the big joke in our house is that he looks like sgt. doakes from dexter.  and I think he looks like terrance howard from hustle & flow!  regardless, I'm glad this is a one month thing.  I am not too fond it!!

which one do you vote for??

crazy

total procrastination.

I have a list a mile long of things that need to get done today.
1.  report card prep - they are due on wednesday.  I haven't started.  I know what needs to be written.  I know what I'm going to write.  yet I have nothing.  nada.  a stack of paper in my bag that really needs to find its way out.

2.  house cleaning.  my house is gross.  it's report card season.  see #1.  I have no good excuse, other than typically my house is shiny clean when I have real work to do.

3.  a walk.  my legs are sore.  yes, I'm complaining.

4.  laundry & packing.  should have thrown a load in this morning.  blah.

5.  grocery shopping.  legitimately, this one can wait until sunday.  so I'll let it.

6.  reading.  I have three books on the go right now and I should be reading instead of blogging.  never mind.  in all honesty, I should be reading instead of random internet surfing in starbucks.

bottom line, I am a bad procrastinator.  and I am awful at getting myself motivated.  kinda a double whammy.  procrastination without a clean house to show for it!!

okay, okay.  I'll get off my butt and get home and start the laundry and clean.  then I will have no excuse tonight to look at my report card stuff.

*sigh*

when the night feels my song

did a 3k tonight...30 lovely minutes of running and walking on the old treadmill.  it's good to be back in the race.  and it's good to be walking again.  and it was a good eating day too.  I totally stayed away from the chocolate and totally overdid it on the coffee!  HA!

and the remembrance day ceremony was a success.  I am lucky to work with such wonderful, flexible, supportive teachers.  seriously.  it's good to be in the room with soldiers currently serving and veterans who have served.  I had the honour of meeting a WW2 veteran today - a man who still had his joy.  it was a blessing to meet him.

and tomorrow, I am going to transcend coffee.  it's a bit of a coffee haven - with a whole lot of coffee love! I've had coffee everyday for the last few hundred days.  and in that time [okay, maybe a thousand days!] I have enjoyed good coffee, mediocre coffee, sludge [sorry, denny's!] and the absolute best cup of coffee I've ever had.  that would be the two days in a row, just a month ago, that I had an americano at seattle coffee works.  hands down the best coffee I've ever had [redundant, I know!].  well, transcend is the best I can find here in town.  SWEET!!

and then on friday after work, John and I are off to Jasper for the weekend.  alone.  no kids.  no laundry.  no floors that need to be washed.  nothing.  it's all good!

pollywog in a bog

if you're wondering, I'm in the b section tonight [and last] - the barenaked ladies.

so today was good.  and bad.  and now good again.  this whole "no sugar" thing is so incredibly good for me, but so incredibly difficult!  I held my ground all day and ate smart all day and really felt great.  I did a workout with my students this afternoon [HOLY AB WORK!].  then I picked up the kids and made dinner.  and this is where I went wrong.  I was right pissed at them and ate my stress.  ice cream.  then halloween candy.  which just spiralled into all sorts of cranky and nasty.  grrr.  the moral of the story:  when eat smart food and keep the sugar out I am a better, smarter, kinder person.  so after having a mini breakdown of stupidity, I drank some water, made a phone call, made some oatmeal and have just been sitting [and writing!].

and tomorrow will be super crazy, so my snacks are packed and I ma ready to go.  remembrance day ceremony at school tomorrow [my gig], appointment to see my counsellor tomorrow, go get ty in st albert, go for a run at my mom's...kinda glad thursday is a holiday.  and although I should be spending the weekend writing report cards, I get to spend it in Jasper with John.  good times.

good thing tomorrow is a new day.  fresh with no mistakes in it.  I like those kind of mercies - new every morning.

7 8 9

I should have written "7 ate 9".  that would be more fun!

so day one-ish of better eating.  overall good.  not perfect, but good.  I ate an apple today.  and carrots.  and a salad.  and a veggie burger.  and then I walked 4k in my first walking class tonight.  and I feel good.  there was also a gingersnap cookie this afternoon, but hey not perfect.

the whole re-training for a half marathon kind of scares me.  half marathons are brutal.  and amazing all at once.  I have a hard time training and managing my eating so that there is a balance between feeding my body and compensating for the huge amount of exercise - especially near the end.  oh well.  it's a good move and I'll might even manage two halves in 2011 for a total of one whole!!  I did that in 2009.  I could do a repeat performance.  I have a goal this time - a steady 9 minute kilometre.  that would put a finish time of around 3:15.  that would be happy.  I guess I'm not making a "work into it" plan but a full-on huge plan!  17 weeks until the hypo half.

okay, so really a boring day.  I have nothing else!  gonna go watch me some ace of cakes.  mmmmm.  cake.  mmmmm.  duff.  hehehe!

double agent

this was my view this morning - via the ol' hipstimatic.  it was good music this morning.  a crisp sound, excellent vocals, kick-ass guitar.  most importantly, some really great worship.  I like when my fingers on the piano are an extension of my worship.

and these pictures are of the boys last weekend - they just make me smile.  they didn't make me smile tonight.  the boys, not the pictures.  I wanted to string them up by their fingernails tonight, but that's a whole different story!!  let's put it this way.  daylight savings time is great for me, bad for my kids.  their clocks are so off.  sigh.

\

okay, so none of my playlists moved over - all my music did, but not my playlists.  still a mystery.  so I have some music playing - artists starting with the letter s.  well a version of "o come, o come emmanuel" just came on.  I love that hymn and this version of it is really good.  sugarland.  and now some "ballroom blitz"!  so random.

so tomorrow I start a new walking class.  a half-marathon training class.  EEEEEKKKK!  I haven't done a half marathon in over a year.  and I've never trained in the winter before.  so I guess I'd better find all the winter gear even though there's not a speck of snow on the ground yet and it got up to 16 degrees at one point last week.  cold feet are never good.

and I started reading a book called "the eat clean diet" by tosca reno.  it was recommended to me and it totally aligns with my desire to cut out crap from my diet [no fake sugar, no high fructose corn syrup, no booze].  anyways, I've not read much yet, but it did motivate me to buy some groceries and actually cook for my family this week.  I've been on hiatus since thanksgiving.  it's time to start taking care of business in the kitchen.  I think I'm going to make a big pot of chilli tomorrow for supper.  yummo!

so whatcha all up to? [I had to switch the music out of the s section and into the a section...grrr!!]

bad boys

no song titles.  nothing.  all I can say is that all my music had better transfer over from my time capsule.  I am the proud owner of a completely rusted, dead macbook.  yes, you heard it.  it gave a little sigh of a last breath this morning only to stop breathing all together.  turns out, when I had a mishap with some hot chocolate last fall, the damage was way deeper than just a mucked up disc drive.  there was dried up hot chocolate all up inside my lovely.  so yes, death by hot chocolate.

so, I went to the apple store tonight, picked up my dead mac and came home with a new macbook.  the same one I had, only newer.  and although I am thrououly struggling to get everything transfered over from my backup files, I am hopeful that it will all be well.

then, as I bought a peppermint hot chocolate to commemorate the passing of my companion, I had a thought on the brands I love and support and get generally mocked for.

starbucks and apple.  why do I love these brands?  it's more than just the product - and yes I adore their products.  it's also the experience.  both starbucks and apple have created an experience for their customers.  an experience that is relational and connective.  and cool.  there is a language that each employs.  and a culture.  when I stand in the apple store in my hometown, it is identical to the apple store in vegas.  and in vancouver.  and the people are equally as enjoyable to talk to.  they call me by my name and don't treat me like I'm stupid.  this is good customer service and excellent branding.  starbucks has, in essence, done the same thing.  a triple grande non-fat gingerbread latte is the same here as it is everywhere else.  and when I order a coffee in edmonton and reload the card I bought in pike place, I can have a conversation with the barrista and a laugh and just enjoy the connection.

so why can't we do this with church?  poor branding is killing us.

unarmed

holy depressing post yesterday, batman.  today - more sick, less funk.  ha!  okay, maybe it's the same funk with just a less pms and a less negative perspective.  and today, I tried to spend some time thinking and thanking for the things that I am grateful for.  I'll list a few:

1|  good friends who keep me accountable - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
2|  phenomenal colleagues who keep me humble
3|  insightful conversations with my husband - the unplanned, well timed kind
4|  my health.  it's a cold.  perspective is necessary here.
5|  grace.  when I feel unworthy, it's there.  when I need it, it's there.  when I am proud, it's there.
6|  ty and hubba bubba bubble gum.  he's been working hard on blowing "for real" bubbles and he finally has it.  LOVE!
7|  and a few quiet minutes where the house is clean, the boys are fed and I can just sit and reflect.

I could go on.  really I could.  but my short break is just that - short...
xoxo

aim snap fall

what happens when you have nothing.  no motivation.  no resolve.  nothing.  I am barely able to be nice at this point.  and yes, my body is fighting a full on cold.  and my head hasn't really been in the game for a couple of weeks now.  but usually I can talk myself out of the fog.  having a hard time getting out of this funk.  I feel really blah.

and honestly, I feel really judgmental.  which, in all honesty, comes from pride.  like somehow I have a tiny corner of my world figured out.  ha.  that's a joke.  I feel like in as much as I am in need of some serious grace, I am having a hard time giving it.  I am not gracious to my co-workers.  I am not even that gracious to my family.  I am in a place of pride.  arrogance.  which really is an off place for me, not because I'm capable of it, but just out of sheer irony.  I feel like I pendulum between a place of self-loathing [also pride driven] to a place of arrogance [totally pride driven].  like I live ty's new motto, "no one is the boss of me except me."  which translates to I know best.  okay.  BIG FAT LIE.  I'm not doing a great job with my life.  I am down right sucky at that.  so instead of dealing with my shit, I judge others while I'm stuffing my face with candy.  so hypocritical.  on so many levels.  yet, I am not ready/able/willing to get my sorry butt out of the driver's seat.  I am so worried about what God will ask of me if I give him control.  yet I know he is just asking me to trust.  give up.  give in.  let go.  give up my burden and find rest.  but oh no.  I think I know best.  pride.  I am hurtful and unkind to others and to myself.  and I am miserable, feeling unworthy.  alone.

and yet through all of it, there is grace.  and arms holding on to me for dear life.  and me just praying that he doesn't let go, even though I am totally fighting.

sweet talk

yes.  it's that time again.  red, lovely cups from starbucks.  christmas got unpacked and showed up this morning.  mmmmm.  the first gingerbread latte of the season.  super lovely.

day two of the sixty day challenge.  I HATE HALLOWEEN CANDY!!!  it's my nemesis.  it says, "look at me!  I'm so small!  you can eat 15 000 of me...hahahaha!!!!"  no really.  small candy screams this at me all the time.  and apparently I'm not smart enough to look at it and say [loudly], "LIAR!!".  damn you candy.  okay, so a bad start to the challenge.  tomorrow can be different, right?  grrrr.  maybe today I aim for 9 hrs of sleep tonight and another bottle of water.  THAT would redeem my day.

people who died

L-O-V-E this song!!  it's super old and super great.  I am not a big halloween girl, but heard this on the radio on wednesday and I promptly downloaded it!

speaking of halloween [great segue, eh?  LOL] took the kidlets out and about to collect some treats.  HOLY CANDY, BATMAN!  it was crazy out there.  we have more candy than any family of four needs to ever own.  ty was bumblebee from transformers and nate ditched the skeleton costume in exchange for the ol' hockey jersey for a "hockey player" costume.  and honestly, the weather was phenomenal and the kids went hard for two hours!

and tomorrow is the start of my 60 day challenge.  if I was smart [HA!] I'd get up and exercise before I head to my inservice.  we'll see what time kids fall asleep and what time I can get my arse out of bed.  clean eating and daily exercise, here I come!!

mountain top

new addiction alert:  ANGRY BIRDS.  I am not a game player.  really, I play solitaire on my phone and the odd game of bejeweled.  other than that, I am more of a social media kind of girl. or I listen to music.  games?  not really.  then I discovered angry birds.  I have played this stupidly amazing game for three days solid now.  seriously.  since thursday night.  in all fairness, I was stuck on a level for close to 24 hrs, but still.  playing, playing, playing.  and now I have a headache.  can't imagine why.  could it be that I am stuck on yet another level? 3-6 could be the death of me.  it's not that it's that hard [okay, it is!] but they gave me the wrong birds.  I need my black bomber bird, not the yellow speed bird.  like SERIOUSLY.  man alive.  okay.  done posting.  gonna go play again.

oh, and what time is it?  10:38 and I still hear my kids playing.  damn halloween candy.  tomorrow will be worse.  sigh.

in vain or true

okay, totally DUMB looking video, but I love this version of this song.  it's off the friday night lights soundtrack and I really do love it!

okay, and pics of the halloween costume.  kinda.  the first one is a double exposure black and white of my evidence markers with my sunglasses and handcuffs.  love the artsy look of it!!  the second one is of me in the blond wig.  LOL  yeah.  it's funny too!!  really, you can't see the costume, but that's okay.  the wig is pretty funny in and of itself!