new hair!

so I got my hair chopped last night...I had planned to go for the SERIOUS chop, but decided on a more in between cut that I am LOVIN'!! the boys and I are all sick - well, nate isn't really, but ty & john have the same sore throat that I have. misery. it hurts to talk, hurts to swallow, hurts to do everything with my mouth...except for ice cream - that tastes very good!

got on the scale today...finally, down a few pounds. I need to put the scale away until next thursday - and get back to the weighing myself once a week.

ty took 2 steps!

ALONE!!! and in Dr Fleck's office! YAH TY! [okay, so there's an excited mom here!]

it figures....

that I would start feeling sick the morning after a 4 day weekend. grrr. we were up late last night watching 24. my whole eating day was whacked because of my schedule, but I kept my calories pretty close to my goal. of course, since I ate dinner at 4pm, I was starving at 8pm. so, I started out with some fruit, then had a yogurt, then a dark chocolate cadbury thin. shoulda stopped after the yogurt. good thing today is a new day! I have my healthy lunch & snacks packed up, I got a good start on my report cards yesterday and I am feeling good about this week. [oh, and I walked 7k yesterday!!]

just a note to self: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"...I am going to meditate upon this verse today [and the next few days] as I know that I cannot do this with my own strength and will power. I am going to need some help from a MUCH bigger source.

it's 6:32...I'd better get going.

pics of ty - 11mos!!

me & my boys - yes, my eyes are half closed...

ty looks like he has a big 'fro in this pic - just fuzzy hair, I think!

if I could do it yesterday...[and other crazy things!]

well [how many posts have I started with that word?? first person to guess correctly wins a prize!!], I stayed below 1550 calories yesterday - and didn't feel hungry. I also had my last snack before 8pm. not bad, all things considered!

and because I like setting mini goals, these are mine for the week:
1. stop eating after 7:30 - if I feel like I am dying of starvation, I will only eat fruits or veggies.
2. drink all 3L of water - when I drink this amount, I feel better.
3. start eating oatmeal for breakfast again...this might be tough, but I am going to try!
4. accountability with erika!

oh, and some new pics of ty [who, by the way, is standing alone!!] to follow in my next post!

7k & hockey tape

so I did 7k this morning with my mom & my aunt...they went a little longer than I did, but for some reason my stomach has been giving me grief. last night I was buckled over in pain. today, I just constantly have the feeling like I could throw up. and no, I am not pregnant ['cause I know that's what everyone is thinking!].

I am having a hard time lowering my caloric intake to 1550 calories. I am hungry in the evenings without a lot of room to budge. I did a different calculation today and it put my high end more at 1650. I know 100 calories won't make all the difference in the world, but maybe it's the psychological allowance that I need. I am making a lot of changes, but the scale isn't budging. grrr. erika and I are going to talk today and make a plan. speaking of which - I am hungry!

and now I am off in search for some hockey tape - a project I am working on!!

I am SO annoyed

so john brought me a mcflurry - bad move on so many levels. I had already reached my caloric limit of 1550 & that added 630 calories...GRRRRRRR! then, after eating the bloody mcflurry, I discovered that my tooth broke. so, now I have a sub booked for tomorrow because I have to get into the dentist ASAP...I am just really hoping that they have an opening - if not, I'm SO hooped. double grrr.

I feel good!

well, a really great weekend!

John treated me to a day off on Saturday - he took the boys to his mom's for the day and I hung out ALL BY MYSELF!!! although I LOVE my boys, I needed a day just to clean the house, go for coffee, watch ER, take a nap and just spend time alone.

ty is officially done the boob...I have mixed feelings about it though. I miss my "ty time", but I am glad he is taking the bottle, as he's not been getting the nutrition that he should be getting. it's one less stress in my day as well. this, more than anything, has the biggest impact on how I nourish my body. starting today, I am cutting my calories from 1800 to 1500 per day. that is a HUGE difference for me. I am really logging all my food closely, as I adjust to this change. I am hoping that this kick starts my body into losing some real weight, as it is no longer providing nourishment for a whole other person. also, I walked yesterday - 3k & I am going to attempt a 9k tonight. I need to make me & my health a priority. I need to honour my body with what I put in it. plus, I think erika is KICKING my butt and I need catch up!!

also, I bought the Joyce Myers book this weekend - I am going to read chapter 1 tonight.

5.44!

so, my knee survived an hours walk...and after a week without walking, I also survived!! rae & I went over by her house and it felt really great to be out there in the fresh air. speed & distance still need to be improved, but hey, that will come sooner than later.

now, about the dumb-ass food. I either need to get a grip or stay fat. I so cannot deal with the latter, so I'd better get working on the first. how many friggin' times do I need to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it...FOREVER. grrr. I like how my body is starting to look, I enjoy wearing nice clothes - that are smaller and cuter and bought in a regular store. but why, oh why, in the heat of the moment, do I eat a 500 calorie scone? or 2 pieces of yummy pumpkin square? WHY????!!! I feel like something needs to click in my brain. maybe that needs to be the focus right now - little sticky notes on my desk, my water bottle, my computer, my FORHEAD! maybe I just need to get MAD.

I was watching Oprah today and they were talking to women who abused their bodies either with food...both over & under eating; the common thread was self hatred. so here's the question of the hour: do I hate myself so much that I will continue to abuse my body? and really, it's not even mine, but created for me to take care of. do I really have that much anger and hatred towards myself? I don't think I do, yet the way I treat myself seems to indicate something else. this bothers me...as does my attitude as of late. bottom line, I am not liking all my negativity right now. it is coming through in my relationships with my family. it is coming through in my classroom. it is coming through in everything and I SO don't want that.

so here's the deal, cor...SMARTEN UP! GET A GRIP! and in the words of Winston Churchill, "never, never, never quit". and even better, in the words of Paul, "it was for freedom that Christ set us free". and just because I can't resist, in Mel Gibson fashion, FREEDOM!!!

give it one more shot

john & I wrote out our goals for the next week - portion size & workout schedule. it helps to have him on-side with the goals, then he can work in my favor. and suddenly all my struggles this week have made sense - I HATE PMS!!!

I was emailed this artical today: [thanks, sparkspeople!]

Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.
"We keep hearing about how persistence is often the key to success. But what do you do when you've been striving for so long that it seems like your goal is never going to see light? How do you deal with the fear that you're about to fail? Simple. Give it just one more shot. And then one more. Think about the sweat and time you've committed already. You've come this far, you'd be unfair to yourself if you quit without a fight. Even if the odds are way out of your favor and you can't see how it can possibly help, reach out and take one last swing. You never know what will happen. Big, meaningful achievements don't just happen when everything goes your way. How many times have you seen tennis players make miraculous winning shots while lunging for a ball that seemed impossible to reach? Sometimes, you can find victory in the effort."

a standstill

well, I have been back at work for a full month and I have discovered that I am at a standstill. although my exercise has increased my quality of eating has decreased. part of that is having to bring a lunch, coming home late, having to worry about food for the boys, fitting in time to grocery shop...I could go on. regardless of the reasons, there are a few things I can do. for this week, I am going to make a couple of mini goals.

1. drink 3L of water a day [I've been slacking on this] and try to drink this water before meal times.

2. portion sizes - I am going to do one of two things: pack smaller potions or just eat half. this includes the skill of listening to my body and getting in tune with my hunger/saity feelings. although this may appear to be tougher to do than counting calories, it will be something I can do when what I have to eat may not be the best quality. am I throwing good eating out of the window? heck no. I will endeavor to choose healthy, quality, filling food whenever possible.

maybe this can kick me out of my standstill and get me moving in the right direction once again.

another 6k & some more pictures!

well, I did 6k tonight...and although I am sore, I FEEL GOOD! I walked with aunty, which was really nice, but the weather was SO great - sunny, cool, a bit of a breeze! a 10 minute kilometer, not bad all things considered. and I think Rae & I are going to do another 6k tomorrow - we'll walk from my place down groat road and see if we can make it across the river!

and then there are some more pics of nate...hehehe!! the gap commercial waiting to happen!

and a few more!

and a couple more of my faves!

a few pictures...thanks Irene!

I really like this one!

I cropped this one a bit [I couldn't stand the angle of my face...so vain, I know]

an odd little day

so today was a bit off the mark - I went to the gym this morning [that was good], then I was at an inservice all day - not great food choices...literally. you could choose one thing for lunch [pizza] with some salad [caesar]. and lunch was at 1230, an hour after our usual lunch time. not so bad, but I was STARVING...I hate feeling like that. needless to say, not a great eating day so I think I will have some eggs and toast for supper. the game is on in mere minutes!

OH, and good news...I got some of the pictures from Irene - WOW! THEY ROCK! I'll post a couple!

another saturday...

do you ever feel like time just passes without stopping for a breather...ever? I feel like the weeks and the days just slip pass me...and I am not living each moment to the fullest. I do too much, I worry too much. too fast. without thinking. not living each moment. like a photographer capturing stills, moments in time, I want to capture all of it in mental pictures. if I could slow it all down, I could do it. I could live the sweet life. the life that takes time to just enjoy a coffee, read a book, savor a fine wine. I don't want days that are just like the rest, just another saturday. I want tomorrow to be extraordinary - how do I do that? I need to change how I view myself. I need to make me [my emotional, spiritual, physical self] a priority. I have reflected on this time and time again, but reflection is meaningless if it doesn't bring about change.

on another note, john is finally ready to join the frey - he stepped on a scale this weekend and is SO not loving what he saw. FINALLY I will have an ally in my journey [not like I've been flailing about all alone, but I have needed to get john on side]...I need his support in all of this. I easily succumb to his temptations of chocolate & ice cream, but no longer. as of today, we will be a formidable force!!

I can't breathe...is that how you spell it???

no seriously...I am SOOOO stuffed up. nate is crying. ty is playing. we are watching tv. I want to stamp, but I am not feeling very motivated. I need another smirnoff! as usual, tomorrow is going to be busy - pictures in the morning, then a huge stamping meeting in millet in the afternoon. perhaps I will do 3k at the gym in the evening. I should be planning my walks a bit better. mini goal: no sugar tomorrow. one day at a time. oh, and a salad too...I need to up my veggie quota. I am tired. sick. grrr!

k, off to lament further in my drink!

oh, and I need to read this week - then I will have something to REALLY comment on!

I MISS YOU!!!

I miss my friends. I miss going for coffee, stamping, chatting on-line. I feel SOOOOO disconnected. grrr. I need my support group to show up and tell me to get a grip, stop whining and most importantly - STOP making excuses for why I choose to eat crap. I need a slap across the behind to get me to straighten up.

on a good note, I walked 7km tonight with my mom & joy. not only did I walk it, but I kept up - 7k in 1 hr...THAT IS BETTER THAN I HAVE EVER DONE!!! oh, and I wore my new size 14 jeans yesterday...WOOHOO!!!

grrrr

the weather sucks. the boys are snotty. I so dislike grey days. I need to buy groceries tonight. I need to go to the gym. 3k is on the schedule for today. grrrr. I just feel blah.

on the good side, I am excited about the show at susan's today...I think I planned some cool new things to demo. WOOHOO! I just can't find my spring mini's ANYWHERE. grrr. LOL. I need to just snap out of the funk.

maybe a shower will do the trick.

yesterday...

was a total write-off on so many levels. nate is sick. ty is teething. I caught nate's cold. my TA was sick yesterday. everytime I stood up I thought I was going to fall over from dizzyness. I purposly ate ice cream so that I would get sick...yeah, not pretty!

today is MUCH better! we all got a good nights sleep last night. my TA is back and feeling better. my stomach is feeling a ton better. I hate being sick.

tonight I am going to walk 5k with rae. I saw the summer mini this morning, so I am thinkin' there are a couple of things I am going to *need*...LIKE THE COOL DOUBLE SIDED PAPER!!!

and I am excited about my show for susan on saturday...I think I'll prep for that tonight!

my calories the last 2 days have been on track & my goal today is to drink all my water - it's easy to forget throughout the day.

terms of the bet

whoever eats sugar this week [chocolate, candy, baked goods, white bread/pasta/rice, soda] has to do the dishes for a week! I think I will win!

we did our second walking class tonight & 3k...tomorrow another 3k. game is on baby! my walking week is all 3ks until the weekend. I paced rae tonight & that worked well. and I think I need to eat more for breakfast - I am running short on my calories by 6pm, then I am eating a bigger meal-type snack too late in the evening. I need to adjust my intake...

oh, and I forgot to pick up my pictures today. grrr!

and ty is 10 months old today. my sweet, sweet little boy!

phew!

I am tired tonight. it was a long day home doing nothing! okay, so I did do the laundry and I mounted my expressive flexible phrases [finally!] and I cut my hand open fixing the crib! so I did a few things. tonight I ran some errands...and tomorrow the fun starts again.

on the food front, this weekend was a bit of a write-off, but tomorrow john & I are going to go sugar-free. he doesn't think I can do it and I know he can't...so the bet is on! and hey, the oilers made the playoffs so things are happy in this house of boys!

a new tradition...

I think I started a new tradition this morning. nate & I were up early, so I boiled some eggs and he decorated them. maybe this is going to be the start of a new tradition with the boys...decorate eggs for the grandma's and opa on easter morning. we decided to go to my mom & dad's church this morning...since our church met last night. I should think about getting ready!

la dolce vita

the sweet life. I just need to slow down to enjoy it.

we are going out for dinner tonight - a great greek restaurant around the corner from us. not just us though, but it's our easter church celebration. usually we do potlucks on holidays [christmas, easter, thanksgiving], but this time everyone was wanting to do family stuff on sunday, so a saturday evening easter dinner it is! I have totally watched my calories today so that I don't have to worry this evening. I am just going to go and eat and enjoy some time with my family & friends.

my shins were killing me today. I only did a 20 minute walk [only 2k] because I thought I was going to die...okay, well of embarrassment if I fell off the treadmill! I have a feeling that I need new shoes...that will have to wait until payday. grrr.

size 14's, diet coke, chili, 5k & church

k, so the title sums it up.

I went to old navy the other night and my butt fits into size 14 jeans. okay, before you all start getting excited, they were stretch & my post-pregnancy jelly-belly was hanging over the top...so although they fit, they don't quite look attractive. I didn't buy them, but I have some coupons so I might go in the next few weeks...then maybe they will both fit & look attractive!

I discovered black cherry vanilla diet coke this weekend. I have never been a diet soda lover, but I miss pop. this I can handle.

I made a batch of chili tonight - meatless & full of yummy flavor! it's a 2 pepper chili!

my mom & I walked 5k this morning. my legs are KILLING me, but that's okay - my first 5k under my belt...tomorrow I will try for the same, only alone on the treadmill.

so I went to beulah for their good friday service this afternoon. as blah as I find beulah, it was an okay service...k, let me rephrase: the singing was good! I am glad I went, blah or not; it was a good opportunity to reflect on the day and the meaning of the holiday [I am so anti-bunny, I thought this week might just do me in!].

fave pics o' the day!

thanks, irene!

free day

well, today was my free day for the week. chinese food for lunch, a peep for a snack, coffee for dinner. not a great eating day, but I knew that going in and I made the best out of my free day...all the treats I love!!

irene sent me some of the pics she took of the boys. I'll post my fave in my next post, but kudos to her for being AMAZING with a camera!!

I went to find erika's book last night...the store didn't have it; maybe amazon will. and the post office says I have a package - HOW BIZARRE!!! I wonder if they are open tomorrow...I am ULTRA curious!!

let's get walking!

new pic of nate at the park last night! he SO didn't want to go home!

well, started our walking class tonight. 3km, 30 minutes, kept up with my mom & marcy with no problem - not winded or anything! it is a rigorous training schedule...the next 20 lbs will slide off my butt if I continue with my good eating and follow my training sessions. my next reward [when I lose the next 20] is a short hair cut & dye...so if you see me walking on the street looking all hip & funky, you'll know what happened!

happy times [week 2 at work is far better than week 1!]. and hey, my clothes smell ultra clean with my new environmental detergent!

this evening...

so I strapped on the sneakers and hit the pavement this evening. a 30 minute powerwalk did its trick: it cleared my mind, I spent some time praying, thinking about my week and I just enjoyed the fresh air.

on tuesday we start our 1/2 marathon class. hopefully they will give us a walking schedule. regardless, I think I will accomplish many goals if I just hit the street with my shoes once a day, even if just for half an hour. ALONE. it will build up my walking stamina. it will allow me to reflect on my day. it will be my time of solitude with God.

the verse in galations keeps coming back to me "it was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to the yolk of slavery." and I printed off erika's steps from the book she is reading [which I may just have to purchase!]. this is not just a physical transformation for me anymore, but a spiritual one - one that is deeply affecting every element of who I am. scary & exciting, all at the same time.

a quickie check in!

it's sunday. it's sunny. I bought some groceries for the week. I crossed over into no-mans-land of organic-earth loving laundry detergent. some influence erika & andrea are...ignorance was SOOOO bliss. [yeah, a touch of sarcasm there!] so, thinking of watching passion of the Christ on good friday...who's gonna come watch it with me??? huh? anyone? anyone???

early on a saturday morning

well, surprise, surprise, ty was up at 7 this morning...ready to face the world. too bad no one else was really interested in getting up with him. yeah. so here I sit, ty on my lap [he's eating some puffs!], realizing that my first saturday morning is not going to be spent in bed. grrr.

so I am in contemplation about some modifications. I totally succeeded in doing one week with no sugar. then this past week, all good things fell apart as my life spun into chaos. anyone who knows me knows how I feel about chaos. not a happy thing. I realize that I've gotten through the hardest week...that it is just going to get easier, more organized, not so chaotic, but in the meantime, I need to set myself up for success. how can I do that and reach my goals? well, the main motto of my week has been "when you fail to plan, you plan to fail." for the most part this is true. I need a better plan.

no sugar? a great ideal - practically speaking, not too sure if I can maintain it right now. so here is the NEW plan!

• no soda
• no chocolate bars of any kind, even the 100 calorie kind!
• no cake, donuts or other commercially baked goods...especially if they are the ooey, gooey Tim Horton's caramel kind
• no fructose-glucose
• if I choose to have a sweet treat, it needs to be homemade, within my calorie range or not one of the things listed above.

for example - my low fat puddings are okay, a caramel donut is not. a homemade pumpkin muffin is okay, a store bought one is not. a piece or two of dutch licorice is okay, a kitkat is not. although I am not going to go entirely without sugar, hopefully this gives me a bit of wiggle room so that I am being responsible in my food choices. I don't want to have another binge thursday where I eat one cookie and all hell breaks loose. not a good thing.

things that make me laugh!

"I see spider man"
"really? where?"
"at the pee-a-ter"
"really? what was he doing?"
"fighting. mom, I see gerorge too at the pee-a-ter"
"I know, nate"
"with daddy"
"in movie with yellow man hat."
"the man with the yellow hat?"
"movie in pee-a-ter. and lickish."
"you like licorice?"
"with daddy...[slight pause] and daddy eat and I eat at the pee-a-ter"
"see curious george mom?"
"no sweety, you saw it with daddy"
"yup thank you. I like pee-a-ter at the movie mom."

the day after the night before

well, back on track. I was so extreamly tired last night and ty wanted to be fed non-stop. could it be a result of his feeding strike? oh yeah, big time. he is not taking the cup at all from shirley...he will eat food, but drink? heck no. he saves it for the evenings and then it is NON-STOP! grrr. a little frustrating. I really hope that it settles down sooner than later.

big news for nate tho - he pooped on the toilet last night. first time ever at home [rumour has it that he has done it at grandma's house, but who knows for sure??]. tonight, after supper, I think I will take nate for a walk...the weather has been so nice and that will get us outside for a bit.

I am also going to spend some time reading my book before bed. I don't have to be quite so organized for tomorrow morning, since I do the "getting ready" and the driving. I need a few minutes alone. I also would like to get some of my stamps mounted. my free SAB sets are sitting there are lonely. how sad.

I did a bad, bad thing

okay, so everyone is allowed to have an off day once in a while, but this one turned off the road BIG TIME! too many calories. mcdonalds. ice cream. grrr. good thing tomorrow is a nice, fresh, important, ordinary day. back on track - count the calories, no sugar, tons of water. I CAN DO IT!! [k, that sounds like Bob the Builder]! and I think I need to have a smart snack in my bag for after school - that hunger at 330 is what throws me off.

a new fave

I took these pictures on sunday of nate's feet...I just adore little feet and these make me smile! A good day today, considering everything that I could have envisioned going wrong while I was at school went wrong. john dropped ty this morning...so a 15 minute delay. ty refused milk of any sort from shirley. nate had tons of accidents after a pretty successful weekend. but, all that aside my class is a dream. such nice, hardworking kids.

john & I went to see rob thomas tonight at the jube...what a great concert. and what a nice time out with my husband without kids. it's all good.

I have been continuing to read my book & memorize my galations...but I am too tired to put them into words right now. I'll have some time tomorrow morning.

first day back

well, it's 830...15 minutes before the kids show up through the door. I am sitting at my desk, looking at all their little desks, wondering what this day will hold. I am SOOOO very tired - trouble falling asleep. I wonder why??!! I am hoping that the boys and John got off okay, with everything and on time. I know that the first couple of days are going to be hard, but that's okay. all things will settle into a routine very soon. I brought my oatmeal & apple to school with me and took some time to eat and have my coffee...so I feel like I have some energy for the day. that and my HUGE water bottle!! phew! I don't think there is anything I've forgotten...and if there is, I'll just have to deal with it when the time comes. nothing is so important that it can't be done tomorrow.

and tonight, John & I are going to the Rob Thomas concert...yeah! that should be fun; to bad it had to be on the evening of the first day back at school!

solitude pt 2

I am still reading...read last night. He talks about solitude and what it means...how it is more than just aloneness, but coming face to face with ourselves and confronting ourselves. how we have 2 basic flaws - anger & greed and that these need to be confronted, overcome and destroyed if we are truly to be effective in ministry, life, relationship - especially our relationship with God. out of this solitude comes true compassion. once I finish this section, I am going to take a few days to ponder.

the whole sugar thing is going well - I am totally craving spicy now! I met some of the girls at Vi's yesterday [which was SUCH a nice time and we so totally need to do it more often!], and although I was hungry, I looked at the cakes and pies and not a lot looked appealing. then I got home and had a dream about cake!! LOL well, perfection is NOT achieved, there is progress.

since I've been so contemplative as of late, I will be sharing some of these things in the songs I've picked for church today...I hope I can share a part of me with some clarity.

solitude pt 1

I need some. not just physically becuase I feel like I am on the edge today, but spiritually. all the poop, naked 2 yr old, colds, teething, feeding, changing, dressing, napping, cleaning, cooking has officially zapped my energy. I need some time alone. just to meditate. think. ponder. stamp. be.

and it is april 1st today. I have been doing a pretty good job with my goals this month...in all, I lost 4 pounds - that's an average of one a week. I'd really wish it would be more, but I have officially lost 20lbs since november. and good riddence. I don't EVER want to see that 20lbs again. as a reward for my first 20, I bought myself new shoes [okay, so I bought them last week, but I haven't worn them yet!]. when I lose the next 20, I am going to reward myself by cutting all my hair off.

my goals for april are:

• continue with no sugar at least until easter, if not longer
• continue to drink 2.5-3 L of water per day
• exercise 3 times a week: sunday's at the gym, tuesday's on my walk [starting on the 11th], friday's at the gym

I'll continue to report!

Prologue

I started reading "the Way of the Heart" last night and Nouwen talkes about 2 verses: John 1:9-11 & Romans 12:2. The John verse talks about being light in the darkness and Paul says in Romans, "do not model yourselves on the behaviour of the world around you, but let your behaviour change, modeled by your new mind. this is the only way to discover the will of God and know what is good, what it is God wants, what the perfect thing to do".

These verses have been on my mind since I read them and I am wondering how they can impact my life...I am going to ponder them, meditate on them, memorize them.

On a food note, I am 5 days without sugar. I am feeling good, like the detox is over! Going to school next week, continuing on this, is going to take a lot of organization...but, not the end of the world. Speaking of which, I need a snack - maybe some corn tortillas and salsa!

I'll make up for yesterday's measly offerings

so, today & tomorrow. that's it. I am feeling really prepared for school...that I can step in on monday morning and all will be well. I got a lot done the last few days and there is nothing like spending a few hours in the classroom to get back in the mood. I am planning just to stay home today with the kids, although tonight I have some errands to run, but nothing to big...the gym, staples, the Bay.

I was thinking last night that this no sugar thing is working well for me [now that I am on day #4 and I don't want to lick anyone!]. I am not Catholic and do not usually celebrate Lent, but the concept often intrigues me, as does the monastic meditations and deprivation as to align one's heart & mind with that of Christ. so I had a thought. I want to know Christ in a deeper way. so this is my commitment between now and Easter morning [and it might just go on from there].

• no sugar [see list from my other post!].
• galations - chapter 5 - a verse a day to meditate on.
• Henri Nouwen's "the Way of the Heart" - one passage a day.

these 3 things call for big change for me. deprivation of a fleshly desire - SUGAR!!! something my body can do without & when all is said and done, something maybe I need to avoid on a larger scale. commitment to not just reading the Bible, but meditating on it...carrying it with me in my day, having it weasel it's way into my heart. and learning about solitude, silence & prayer...which means that 10 minutes out of my day, I need to spend alone with my book. no kids, no husband, no TV, no computer, no stamps, no interruptions. just me, God & Henri and my big bottle of water.

Day 3

yesterday was a lot better ...no shakes, no shivers, no wanting to lick faces. we will see what day 3 holds for me...regardless, I am not turning back! [I'll check in later!]

detox

I swear my body is in detox. is sugar a drug? well, seems like I am addicted to it. yesterday was really tough. all I wanted was SUGAR!!! the shakes, the shivers, the psychological torment. I have to say tho, I resisted all temptation...even Nate's face! last night in bed, I had to will myself to go to sleep...so that I didn't get up and eat something stupid. I also got all my water in - 3L. BUT on the downside, I was grumpy & cranky & miserable. hopefully today will be better. I started my morning with oatmeal & apple, so a good start to my day. plus, the boys had a really great sleep last night, so mom did too!

I am not usually about the deprivation, but I think this could be good for my body. This is what I am NOT eating this week: cake, chocolate, lattes [or any flavored coffee drinks], soda, baking of any kind that has sugar [muffins, cookies, brownies, pies], candy, white flour, white rice & white things in general!

so, DAY 2...HERE I COME!!

I don't like splenda

ewwww. it's like aspartame had a taste makeover that didn't take. icky, icky, icky! I just ate an oatmeal-egg white-yummy pancake but I made the mistake of putting splenda on top...talk about wrecking a totally great pancake!!

I am trying so hard to stay away from sugar today, but I SOOOOOO want to eat the cake that is sitting on my counter. and the almonds in the freezer [they are covered in chocolate!]. and the sugar on nate's face. LOL

I CAN DO THIS!!!

my sick baby

well, we made it home today...through the snow and the bad roads and the cranky kids [okay, so maybe that was just a cranky mom!]

as I am writing, ty is gagging again...another bout of puking baby. I so do not have the energy for a sick boy. he doesn't have the energy either.

I went to the gym this evening and learned a couple of things about myself:
- when I do not keep track of my food, I lose track and over eat
- when I am tired and driving in the car with 2 small children for longer than an hour, I eat crap
- when I am standing at the chip bowl at a party, I eat the chips
- when I don't pay attention, I forget to drink water
- when I don't follow my good habits, the old ones rear their ugly heads
- when all of this happens, I gain weight and don't lose it.

so, a crack down is in order. still deciding how/what exactly, but I know there will be a healthy dose of cardio done this week, as well as some short-term planning for meals and the like. bottom line: when I fail to plan, I plan to fail.

my nae

I love this picture of nate...

he is just turning into such a big boy. so independent, opinionated, lovable. I have so enjoyed this year off with him...just seeing how much he grows and develops into his own person.

MIMI!!!!

WOW...she died! and not just any ol' death, but a "great-dramatic-big-sighing-hand over the heart-WOW" kind of death!

k, now the opera was pretty darn good, but the funniest thing was the hockey-esque moment at the beginning when they were introducing the shows for the new season. there was an audible sound when Barber of Seville was announced. and an even greater response when Macbeth was announced. I nearly laughed aloud! the mass excitement of Edmonton's elite was too much for even them to contain!

heading off to bed...just wanted to comment before I sleep off the glow!

the opera

I get to go to the opera tonight with my friend susan. not that I am the huge opera goin' girl, but le boheme is a gooder! I am choosing to drink my calories today with a lovely starbucks drink! although it is a grey day, I am not complaining. 1 more week. 1 more thursday. mmmmmmm.

I am heading out to glendon tomorrow with the boys. I have a su! workshop to do for cor. that should be a lot of fun!

ty is trying to cruise around the furniture...I don't remember nate doing this at 9mos. he's going to be walking in no time.

k, nothing too deep today, nothing too pressing on my mind.

and susan, the blue grosgrain is sitting by the door waiting for you!

AI & other things that drag on!

k, so I haven't watched the show all season...I already watch FAR too much tv, but I was home alone last night and there was nothing else on. although I was VERY impressed with the caliber of singers last night [minus a couple of interesting ones...what's up with binkey??? and that little boy? anyway, I digress] there was a stinkin' commercial break after EVERY singer...they spread the show out for 2 whole hours...I swear I saw more commercials than singers. grrr. that just right burns me - if I am going to waste my time, I want to waste it watching something other than commercials for CTV news, Canadian Idol, and all the shows that CTV airs - ER, OC, CSI, L&O...the acronyms could just go on, and on, and on!

on another note, today was kinda crappy - steph was sick, so couldn't watch ty; it took us a half hour to dig my car out this morning in front of john's mom's house; no one in the city has any goats milk in stock; brown came but no one was home, so no stamps...grrr. alas, some days are just not meant to follow the plan. I think for supper I will eat some comfort food - oatmeal & apple!

chocolate eggs

not too sure, but I have a bowl of chocolate eggs in front of me...and yes, I am eating them. I need an intervention.

oh, but I smell like puke, so you may want to stay away.

what's the point?

ya know, I've been really complaining about going back to school, about exercising, about leaving the boys, about potty training, about EVERYTHING; I just had a thought about that & my recent attitude. bottom line, we cannot physically afford for me not to go back to school. yes, if john had a better paying job I could continue to stay at home, but right now that is not an option. and next to staying home with the boys, shirley & john's mom are the next best thing - they are in a christian home being cared for by someone who cares deeply about them. so here's the deal: instead of whining and complaining about it, I am going to do something about it.

I am going to see if I can I can manage something part time for the fall. I am going to look into the 4-1 plan that Edmonton Public has where I work for 4 years, they pro-rate my pay and then I can take 1 year off with pay. I am going to really start praying about john's job situation - either a raise or a better job. and then I am going to do one more thing. I am going to look at my job as a ministry - yes, nate & ty need me, but they get to come home to 2 parents who love them and love each other...I cannot say that for the kids that I teach.

but, this is what I need to do right now, in this moment. and I need to stop being all blah about the whole thing. this past year has taught me a lot of things, about myself, about my relationship with my family, about my relationship with God. I was telling erika today that I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to take care of me. bottom line, I need to change my priorities. my relationship with God needs to come first, "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will given unto you". if I care for me first [in a spiritual sense], then I will be able to continue to make good choices in how I treat my body, I'll be able to care for my children and my family and I will be able to serve God, using the gifts he has given me...in my job. and what is the thing I can practice in all of this? goodness. seeking first the kingdom of God. seeking His righteousness.

I can do this. because I am NOT alone in this journey. not all will fall apart as I transition into this new phase of my life. so I am going to just stop complaining about it.

the beginning...

of the end! it's 8:38. I am dressed, fed, packed up & ready to go. I am enjoying the few minutes of silence before Nate wakes up and before my mom gets here. then it is off to school.

I tried Marcy's pancake this morning...very tasty, very healthy. just not too sure what to do about the splenda that the recipe call for. it's not something I keep in my house, so today I used real maple syrup to sweeten it. it actually made 2 good-sized pancakes. I could almost half it. the rest of my eating day calls for yogurt, apples, tuna, salad...and whatever other veggies I feel like. with this much fiber in my system, I will just have to be vigilant about the water today. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

here's the recipe: [how I made it this morning]
1/2 rolled oats
3 TBSP 1% cottage cheese
1 small carton of egg whites [equivilant to 1 c]
cinnamon [lotsa, lotsa!]
1 TBSP maple syrup [or I guess, splenda to taste]
mix with a hand mixer [trust me!] and bake like a pancake.

not that it's more fiber than my other oatmeal recipe, but if I plan to do this for a couple of days, that could get interesting!

I did go to the gym this morning & burned 300 and some calories off my butt...FEELS GOOD!

03-19: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0

another sunday

well, today was an interesting day - not good or bad necessarly, just different from the norm. this morning we met tim & irene for brunch at o'byrnes. we hardly ever get together with them, so it was nice to share a meal. irene took a bunch of pictures of the boys; I can't wait to see them...she has such a great eye, photography wise. nate isn't feeling top notch today, so he is in pull-ups for the night. I do not need a bed full of poop in the night.

I spent a lot of time talking to alex this afternoon about school stuff. I am feeling a bit more confident about the whole thing now. tomorrow and tuesday I am going in for the morning to meet with the kids, take a look at the routines, meet with the new TA, and just generally get a feel for things. I am not too worried, and the closer I get, the better I am feeling about it. maybe last week's anxiety has left. eating wise, today wasn't great - a fat-laden breakfast and just general rotten snacking and not nearly enough water. tomorrow I am going to head to the gym in the morning and start my day off with a "marcy pancake" and see if I can do the no sugar thing.

03-18: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 minutes @ 2pm!

holy snow, batman!!

k, so I don't mind snow...for the most part, but this is getting to be a little much! looks like 20 cm have fallen over night and more is coming. it makes a quick ride to the store a bit tough...and if it wasn't goat's milk that I needed, I'd let it go. grrr.

well, we had a fun time at the party last night. it was just so nice to be out without kids for an evening. and it was nice that the boys let us sleep in until 9am!

went to the gym this morning & I am down 2 lbs this week! WOOHOO!!

03-16: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0
03-17: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 min @ 7pm!

too many days like this would be a bad, bad thing

so this case of the blahs that I have has gone on too long. today I succumbed to the old habit of emotional eating, had a piece of caramel cake & half a container [the little ones!] of B&J's frozen-yogurt-brownie-yummy-goodness! add that to the 2 pyrogies, the muffin & coffee...what a wonderful day of emotional eating!

and, tonight we are going out, so I am not feeling very motivated to get back on track. would it be so awful to have a day to just wallow? question is, why am I wallowing [this is me not enjoying the wallow]? I think I just wish that we could afford for me to stay home. I like my teaching job, but I like my mom-job better. I get tired just thinking about how to do a good job at both. can I do it? of course. I just am going to miss the freedom of coming and going as I wish, meeting up for coffee, taking the kids to the mall, doing laundry in the middle of the day...those kinds of things. I just worry that I am going to neglect myself in all of this. I have been working SOOOOO hard to take care of myself emotionally & spiritually that I don't want that to suffer, then overeat, gain weight, get discouraged, give up... I've just got to make sure that I include time for me, somewhere in all my giving to others.

this whole half marathon thing will keep me exercising [which is VERY good] and Marcy just gave me a copy of a diet that I might try to get me off sugar [the big thorn in my side]...as long as my milk supply doesn't suffer and I am eating enough calories, I might just try it. it would mean giving up the lattes... I don't celebrate lent, but maybe between now & easter, I should do a fast of sorts - a sugar fast. I'll have to do some thinking on it...

lots to ponder today - st. patrick's day is one of my fave, so maybe I'll just stop over analyzing and just enjoy. maybe John will come home with flowers [I doubt it, but you never know!].

another blah day..

I need to snap out of this funk. I don't feel great, but not really sick enough to say that I'm sick. I think I will spend the afternoon just stamping and playing some great music...anyone wanna come over and play?? LOL Yesterday was not a bad eating day, nor has today been so far...but let's be honest. it's 10:45 and I am still in my pj's...and now I hear ty fussing. nate was up at 6am, wet & wanting to be changed, yet still half asleep. grrr. and I can't find my Alfie soundtrack - I was in the mood for some Mick Jagger. I just uploaded my Rolling Stones & Johnny Cash artist's choice CD's...maybe I'll be inspired by music that inspires the great ones! It bothers me that I can't find the music that I really want. oh well. at least it looks like it's stopped snowing!

03-15: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 40 min @ 6am

I did it!

YEAH!! I finally got up at 6am to go to the gym this morning! after 2 failed attempts on monday & tuesday, I gave myself no choice today! 335 calories burned, 1L of water consumed and I am on my way to a good day!

I am off to drive Nate to my mother-in-law's for the day, then maybe I'll go to IKEA with Ty - I need some napkins!

03-14: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

a messy morning

woke up with a headache...and just general crappyness. I feel okay now, but that is after 2 cups of coffee and some advil. both boys slept until quarter to nine, which was a nice change of pace, but poopy diaper, arrowroot cookies, wet underpants, and toys everywhere already have me tired! I have big plans to spend this afternoon stamping...anyone care to join?? I need to finish some projects and get them in the mail, work on some things for my thursday night meeting, work on my next calendar page for ty, scrap my christmas pages. lots to do and the time is a tickin' down. maybe I'll start by picking up the sticky cheerios off my floor!

03-13: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

feeling blue

so after today, there are only 2 more mondays left...before I go back to school. and really, only one, since I am spending next monday at school. I am quite sad about this, although I am anxious to get back. sad to leave my life of kids and leasure. sad that we really need the money that much. sad that we don't have an extra 5 grand kicking around so I could be off until september. sad that I really need to wean ty. sad that I can't spend all day doing whatever I feel like. [selfish, I know] and on top of it, in combination, the boys were up 3 times in the night, one of which lead to nate in our bed. grrr. so, didn't make it to the gym this morning - my goal this week is 3 times tho - so tuesday, wednesday, friday. I will still go to the gym today, but it will be this evening. and nate has had 2 "on purpose" accidents already this morning. grrr. double grrr.


03-12: consistency: 2L/1 exercise: 0 [not a great day]

the way i see it #53

"be exceptional. make tremendous efforts to be extraordinary. what a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. just make sure you do so..." [shelby lynne]

03-11: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise @ 8am - 30min

a little bit of House to get one thinking

goodness: that which is good or valuable or useful
good: being positive or desirable in nature; not bad or poor

"Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." [Ps 23:6]

This is one of my favorite references to the word "goodness" in the Bible. I like webster's definition of good - being positive in nature. Philippians also says to dwell on things that are good - I like that whole part in Philippians...whatever is true, honourable, right, pure, lovely, good, excellent, worthy of praise - think on these things. So if an "output" of having the Spirit in me is "goodness", then good is what I want to be.

Now here is the next question: am I remotely good? HECK NO!!! so any goodness that could possibly come out of me and be remotely pure, then it must be Christ in me. Maybe that is why it so bothers me when people say that they know they will be in heaven because they are good people. grrr. goodness is a "Christ" trait. So, along with all of the other things I am currently working on in my life right now, I am going to add to it this one: I am going ask God to develop goodness in my life...then actively work on developing this trait in my life. Do I have a plan in place to see this happen? nope. but, I am going to have a chat with my creator about the whole thing. He's good at coming up with plans for my life that are much greater than anything I could ever come up with.

sometimes being a girl sucks

sometimes I truly dislike all the hormones that course through my veins. 'nuf said.

yesterday was a poor eating day for me, made bad choices as far as quality & quantity. good thing that everyday is a new day. I like that about life. and, I started the morning right; went to the gym at 8am [the saturday morning version of 6am!] and burned over 200 calories right off my butt! and the scale says that I am down another pound, so all in all, an okay morning [other than the headache, the screaming child, the firetruck noise making child and the husband who is drinking pop at 10:00 in the morning...grrr!]

on a completely other note, I was happy with how John's moms present turned out!

03-10: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

dirty sink

I was wanting to spend some time this morning reflecting on Galations, but the boys are up, the tv is on, dishes are in my sink and I just cannot concentrate. good thing there will be some quiet later!

I did not get up at 6am this morning to go to the gym. grrr. I will still go today, but I am annoyed that I let myself talk me out of getting up. no excuses.

I'll write more later...there is a lot on my brain right now.

03-09: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0

it's snowing again...

and the wind is a-blowin'. I overkilled on calories yesterday. I am finding that when I do the whole am wake-up/work out thing that I am eating more in the morning. which makes sense, considering the 200+ calories that I am burning before feeding my body. well, today is not one of my gym days, so I am going to reign it all in and then the calorie average over 2 days will make more sense [or am I just justifying???]. regardless, I am starting my morning with a coffee and 2 yogurts @ 40 cal each...and walking with a protine bar in my bag.

well, off to take the kids out into the wind & snow...

03-08: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise @ 6am

where is my big coffee mug?

who the heck is making me wake up at 6am??? so my workout was good this morning, but I am just DRAGGING MY BUTT...I am so tired! coffee...I need my coffee!! I do enjoy the quiet though.

I had a thought on goodness in the night - how it is different from being good; not too sure how yet, but I am off to investigate...I will let you know what I find!

and my quiet moment was just that...I hear ty stirring!

03-07: consistancy: 3L/0 exercise: 0

rice & beef & something else...

how does one assign calories to a guyanese dinner made by her mother-in-law? mmmm. the things I need to ponder in a day. I am LOVING my hair cut...LOVING! if I still love it next week, it may stay like this for a while!

I've been coping out of writing this week, but I had a thought today. galations speaks of the fruit of the spirit. goodness catches my eye...I am going to spend some time reflecting on this [mentally], so stay tuned for my ponderings and thoughts on goodness [ooohhh...a teaser, to keep y'all coming back for more...all 2 of you!!]; all of galations 5 is packed with a ton to ponder, so I will deconstruct this chapter & what it means to me - after I've spent some time meditating on it!

there is poop in the water

yeah. what a way to start a day. I thought I'd give nate a bath...nothing out of the ordinary. so he sits down, playing with his toys, I go to get his towel and some coffee and I hear this screaming, "MOM! MOM!!" [splash, splash, scream] "I OUT!!! MMMMOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!" [splash, splash, slid, fall, scream]. by this point I am in the bathroom and grab up my incredibly frightened boy. and look down to see what the deal is and yup, you've got it, the deal is poop.

well. at least the bathtub got scrubbed.

I need some coffee. and now I am off to get my hair cut.

03-06: consistency: 3L/0 exercise: 6am!

phew!

I survived a 6am wake-up & work out! I could get used to this...maybe! I ran into a guy that I went to jr high with...I can only laugh. ahhh, he's a good guy and doesn't think I always look so sweaty and disheveled...

03-05: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0min

yet again

it is sunday...yet again! a good day yesterday - 3L of water, 40 minutes of cardio, no chocolate bars and some stamping got done!

today is ultra busy, but that's okay...john will take nate & I will take ty...nothing quite beats the divide & conquer strategy!

i love 2 year olds

gee, I have another post with the same name!! wonder why???!!

I took nate out this afternoon...to the urban scrapbook & chapters...2 tantrums. he has never pulled crap like that in public before...boy oh boy, talk about trying my patience! then we stopped at starbucks and the lady was baby talking to him and asked me if she could give him a treat. yeah, right! I told her the mom would be taking a treat. not too sure if she knew what to do with me. I was just right annoyed by the whole thing.

grrrr. but, he's been doing well with the potty training. well, the meatloaf is almost done and I am HUNGRY!!

finally!

WOW!! I FINALLY GOT BELOW 200! considering the yo-yo week I've had, I am glad that the scale went down not up [like LAST week!].

I had a kick-ass walk at the gym today...upped my time to 40 minutes and did hill intervals, 5 minutes at a time. it's like finally my legs can keep up with the rest of me. I like that!

yesterday, I drank all my water & didn't touch the chocolate bars...monday morning, I am going to go to the gym in the am...that should be a RUDE wake-up call! these are my goals for the next month...I want them to become habits and not a chore. they say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit...consider the last 24 hrs DAY 1!

so in light of all things good and special, I am getting my butt off this chair; I so need a shower...

YUMM-O!

well, a good eating start to a snowy, snowy day! apple, oatmeal, pecan, maple extravaganza!! AND coffee! maybe I will do some at-home exercises today [with the ball!!] since the gym has eluded me once again...grrr!

a-ha!

k, so I am feeling like crapola. no, I am not sick, just blah. icky. double-blah. but I had a moment in the shower this evening.

I have succumed to the 200 block yet again. this is the point that I always cave and go back to old habits. those old habits are like the old sinful nature. when you are not up to par & activly working on your relationship with God, you fall back in to your old nature...the pre-Christ way of doing things. we were reading in galations this past sunday. galations 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." [NAS]

so here's my thought: if Christ lives in me and it is no longer I who lives, then EVERYTHING I do needs to be through faith and not by the flesh. I guess I have always looked at this in just a spiritual sense, figuring that God didn't really care if I ate whoppers on the sly or ate to sufficate my icky, blah feelings. He does care...and not only does He care, but since He is in me and I live by faith and not by my flesh, then I don't have to muster the will power to do anything, but I do it for a whole other reason.

I am still processing all of this...my revalation of His Word in this way...but all of a sudden, it isn't about me. not only is it not about me, but it really isn't about me in any way, shape or form. it's about everything I do, say, eat or don't eat giving glory to God. now, is this an easy fix? HECK NO!!

but...God cares and sees and knows and feels and hurts and loves and knows...knows me better than I know me, and therefore I can trust Him. not only can I trust Him, but He is with me in this struggle, in my bad eating days and in my good ones...when I don't want to go to the gym and when I eat half a box of whoppers on the way home from zellers.

I need some sleep!

I am tired. So very tired. I had big plans to get up at 6am this morning and head to the gym, but Nate was up at 4pm with wet pants & a wet bed...grrr. oh well! I think I will just take it easy tonight and go in early and hope that tonight is uneventful. Nate is crying under the door as I type...trying to play it up...double-grrr.

I'd better go and tend to him!

well, here is my creation! all made with SU! products - the new spring papers & punch. the booklet opens and has pictures of the kids...not my usual hostess gift, but I am doing a party for mainly scrappers this week, so I wanted to show off the versitility of SU! products.

poko is back...

and I have a VERY happy little boy! [see www.cbc.ca/cbckids/ for more details :)] I ate a healthy breakfast this morning, did meal planning this weekend and went shopping, stocked up on low-cal, flavor-friendly snacks, have a decent cup of coffee in front of me and today, I am going to enjoy la dolce vita. the Italians have it right - live the sweet life - one of no worries, just of enjoying each moment. and in honour of that principle, I am going to post my new creation here [as soon as it's downloaded off my camera!], and share it...just because I am so proud of myself!!

a quick thank you

just want to say thank you to those people who leave comments from time to time - I appreciate it!

new goal: start a walking class and do a walking half marathon. okay, so I think I may be crazy, but I guess it's a good goal. my mom is signing us up to walk the half in August. well, I had better get back on track with eating and exercise pretty darn quick if this is going to be the case.

I gained a pound this week - it could be the decrease in water [my big water bottle has found a new home in the back of my brother's car], and the increase in junk...either way, things are back on track!

finland vs swedan

okay, so this has nothing to do with hockey. just what's on tv right now.

I am having a rough day. I am tired and therefore hungry. not hungry, just wanting to eat. tired and wanting to stuff my face with chocolate and all things good and sugary. what do I really crave?? sleep. a dr pepper. nate to be potty trained. not having a sick baby. being able to afford to stay home instead of going back to work. more hours in the day. chocolate. cookies. fudge. coffee. THAT I can do! see, I feel better already! okay, so maybe it's not that simple, but coffee would hit the spot.

truth be known, although I only count my weigh-in's on Saturdays, I weighed myself last night and I was up a pound. that really irks me. and makes me feel so discouraged.

but, in the words of winston churchill, "never, never, never quit".

i love 2 year olds

grrrr...the trials of a two year old make me want to wallow in food. I am trying sooo hard to be consistent, but it is such a tough thing to maintain when I am feeling sick. I have felt a bit off the last few days...like I am treading into unknown territory. I need to spend today staying on track, staying away from high calorie foods - especially refined sugars. NO WHITE TODAY!!

I started this morning with my oatmeal-apple-pecan breakfast, so I feel full and satisfied. I just need to continue this today...hard to do when not at home. For dinner I am making stir-fry for John and the boys, but I think for me, some salad with protein is what I am really craving.

I need to make our meal plan for the next week and buy groceries tomorrow. That I can do! I just need to remember that I don't like how I feel when I over eat; I don't like how I feel when I eat nasty white foods; I don't like how I feel when I don't respect my body by making nutritional choices with my food.

I want to like me. And I deserve to feel good about myself. I deserve to treat myself well.

a thought...or two!

we live the life we choose. I am standing here and choosing transformation - my heart, mind, body.

I had a great workout today - tried the full body circuit-thingy! next time I will do 3 circuits, as 2 was good, but I could have mustered out another one!

Nate is driving me around the bend right now - a total 2.5 year old, but still, the attitude and sassy mouth are becoming more evident. consistency, consistency, consistency. that will have to be the name of the game. a united front. no one buckles! I guess I will have to confer with John on that one!

yesterday

so yesterday was my worst eating day in recent history. I learned a couple of things.
1. when I let my guard down, I honestly just don't honour myself with food; 2. I feel absolutley gross when I eat too much and especially too much of the wrong things; 3. today is fresh with no mistakes in it...one bad day will not break me.

good thing there are ALWAYS things to be learned!

new goals

the powerfoods:
1. almonds and nuts
2. beans & legumes
3. spinach & other greens
4. fat-free dairy
5. oatmeal
6. eggs
7. turkey & other lean meats
8. peanut butter
9. olive oil
10. whole grains
11. raspberries & other berries

I am aiming to get these foods into each meal...or at least add 1 or 2 to each meal!
And...I am going to try a new exercise routine today - we will see how that goes! I am going to try a full-body circut system, so that I don't need to worry about what days I go; I can do the same sort of thing everytime!!

PLUS: my new goal [once the kids are sleeping in the night again!!] is to do daily ab exercises.

a quick note

I haven't written all week. grrr. Ty is teething, and Nate might be too. double grrr. I haven't had a good nights sleep all week. surprise yesterday, tho...I won one of the lulu challenges! great prize too! I am SOOOOOOO proud of myself for sticking with it and not losing sight of my goal. now it's just a matter of not letting life get in the way! back to cuddle sick boys. I'll reflect more a bit later.

the goods

so good news...happy me! since november 15th, I've lost 13lbs! yeah me! this means that all my hard work is slowly paying off. that means in another 12 weeks [so, may 17th] another 13lbs could be gone. in my case, slow and steady wins the race. I feel good and I'm happy that I didn't back down from this challenge.

last week was a pretty good eating week. my calories were within 1550 & 1900 per day and I averaged around 10 glasses of water a day. I just need to remember that no one day will break me and no one meal will make me. I am working towards a healthy me...for life.

happy me!

the way i see it #63

Thank you, Starbucks!

"Our lives are inspired by the dreams we have from the earliest stages of our youth. When you combine passion and hard work, then success is always possible. While no road is ever straight, dedication and persistence will always lead you to your dreams." [Arte Moreno]

Just a thought for the day.

grrr

I feel blah! I've been eating well and moving as much as I can, but I feel like I am hitting the wall. emotionally. I feel myself cutting corners here and there and I cannot let myself do that. why? why am I sabotaging myself? bottom line, I don't believe that I deserve to be happy with how I look. I don't believe that I am worthy of the time and energy it takes to take care of me. I don't believe that I deserve to be skinny. why? I know why...not ready to post it in an open blog. I need to get this train back on track so to don't fall all the way over. bottom line, if I don't do this now in my life, it ain't ever gonna happen. so, pull up your socks, girl and buckle down and do the work. today. right now. forever.

a reminder from my friend...

My friend Erika reminded me of a few things a couple of weeks ago...and it's stuff I don't want to forget. It is such an encouragement to have people walking in this journey with me.

Remember Cor - we're working on healthful living. Making lifestyle changes that effect all areas of our life, not just our weight. You're making your heart healthier (the #1 killer of women is heart disease), you're making your lungs stronger, your bones stronger. These are all more important than whether or not we fit in a certain size. Weight loss is a fringe benefit, remember? The goal is healthy living, not weight loss. Having said that.... remember you are weight training. Muscle is smaller than fat, but weighs MORE than fat. You may have only lost 3 lbs over all..... but you may have lost 8lbs of fat and gained 5 lbs of muscle. Instead of going by the scale, why not take your measurements once a week. I find that to be WAY more encouraging than the scale. Cuz one week the scale may not budge, but your waist may have shrank an inch. Didn't you tell me you had pants that were fitting that didn't before?? Obviously you ARE changing your body! No matter what the scale says!!! This is for life. Healthy living is not dictated by the scale, mood or current activities. It's for life!!

-2

well after all my moaning and complaining about my back this week, I went to the gym and did a wee workout on the treadmill...which felt great, until it didn't feel so great! But hey, I am down 2 lbs from last week so it's ALL GOOD!

brokeback

went and saw the movie tonight. wow. very moving, very well done.

we did pig out on candy, but John and I have a new deal on that...if it is date night, we are not going to count those as calories, whether it is a movie or dinner, we are just going to enjoy being out with each other and put our calorie counting aside for the night.

that said, my back is feeling a bit better and I think that I am going to take a go at treadmill tomorrow.

proud of me

I fit a size smaller than I did last month. WOOHOO, me!! It sucks having a sore back & not being about to workout, but that's okay. A comeback is a-comin'!

my squirmy baby

other than the child on my lap who doesn't want to sleep, it was a pretty good day. my back hurts A LOT , which is hurting the momentum I had built with working out. I am really bummed about that. eating wise, a successful day. tomorrow will be a challenge, as I am out & about all day. but hey, nothing to fear! I have a bar in my bag & I know where to stop for nutritious "fast food". I can do it! I can do it!!!

gonna try again with a picture!

words

two words really bug me: irregardless - IT'S NOT A WORD!!! & alot - IT'S NOT A WORD EITHER!!!

I know this has nothing to do with anything...but it DRIVES me crazy when these are misspelled & misused!! Just a thought for today - I'll catch up on the rest of my day a bit later!!

thought I'd post a picture...

okay, so this a LOVELY picture of me! I downloaded some sort of picture hosting thing, but I can't get it to work for some reason...or maybe it is already working!!

icky day

I am having very icky day...grrrr.

I woke up yesterday with a sore back and last night was interesting, trying to get Ty out of his bed to feed him. I went and saw the chiropractor this morning, but it was some chore getting the boys dressed & in the car. I feel a bit better and I know that after a good nights sleep, I will feel a lot better.

Then there was the food today. I had a bit of a free-for-all yesterday as far as the quality of food, so today I worked hard to stay healthy only to have the fiber bug kick me in the stomach. DAMN that oatmeal. And that apple with peel. And that flaxseed bagel. My stomach combined with my sore back is enough to take the wind out of my sails entirely. So what did we do? Ordered pizza for supper. On a good note, I ate 2 small pieces, not 4... Still. I tried so hard today to eat healthy, filling foods only to have to deal with the stupid fiber kickback. Oh well. I need to intake another liter of water to make up for the fiber...off to fill the bottle.

the big 200!

well, I am down another pound! WOOHOO for me! I am concerned though, because I have a psychological barrier when it comes to getting below 200. At the rate I am going, that will be in 2 or 3 weeks. The key is going to be to work hard not to let this prior barrier affect me this time. And that is my first big goal - 199! Regardless, I am feeling so much better - more energy, more everything!! I am not feeling as stressed either - I am excited to see the changes in my body almost daily & more importantly, the changes in my attitude. It sure helps to have friends who care.

blah!

I feel blah! Yesterday was a good eating day - considering I was out & about all day. I did not get enough sleep last night [Ty was up 4 times in the night :( ]. So, this morning, we are still in our pajamas!! And, today, I am going to hit the gym...and push it hard!!

get a grip [take 2]

Well, I have started the morning out right & yesterday was a GREAT eating day...good in the calories, good in nutrition, went to the gym...I think I surprised myself!

Sometimes I just feel emotionally out of control & this morning is kinda feeling like that. Not too sure what triggers it, but I need to make sure that I just handle my emotions in a different way than my usual "medicating with food" thing. I think it might be the stress of going back to work and all the changes that come with that. Gonna keep on top of it. I know I can do it, I know I can!

miss shirely was a wise one

Yesterday was a bit of a rough eating day for me. I found myself falling into old habit patterns when it came to my choices. We ordered BP last night, I made an informed, nutritional, yet satisfying choice, but then I picked off of Nate's plate like it was the last time I was going to ever see and enjoy a chicken finger. Did I even enjoy it? HECK NO...I was too busy stuffing it in my mouth. So I over did it in the calorie department - far, far, far over what I usually eat, then I was hungry 2 hrs later and I had a hard time fighting the "you already blew it" mentality. Now, I didn't make an awful choice with my snack, but it wasn't great either, considering all the calories I had consumed. I guess the real test is how I view today...it is a new day - fresh with no mistakes in it [as Miss Shirley says to Anne]. Maybe I need to cut back some today so that over 2 days it all evens out. I can do that. I can definitely do that.

Fear & Questions

I just finished reading an article in this months O magazine...the author talks about the fear of change. Could I be sabotaging myself in my quest for heath? Am I living my life to the fullest RIGHT NOW? or am I waiting for that magical number on the scale to tell me that now is the time to be happy? Just some thoughts...

I need to learn how to be as healthy as I can while living to my fullest now [rephrased: A. Ward].

let the journaling begin!

okay, I am making it a goal this week to journal more frequently!

I am feeling like it's a good start to the week. Last week at this time, I was feeling VERY discouraged as the scale wasn't showing any weight loss at all. Then, it seemed like 2 pounds found their way off of my thighs and all of a sudden, I feel like I am on track. I hit the gym 3 times last week and chanted my mantra "I am building a healthy heart...".

AND...maybe bigger than anything, I had a complement yesterday & it put EVERYTHING into focus for me. I went to Starbucks and the line was moving very slowly [shift change & newbies!] and the guy making the drinks said to me "sorry it took so long" and I replied with, "no worries" and he says, "I like it when you come in here, you're always so nice and patient when you come in". And I was like WOW! A, I made an impression with my attitude and B, I made an impression with my attitude! What really matters in my life? That I can wear a size 2 or that I can make a difference in the lives of other people with my life and my attitude. Talk about a wake-up call. And do I still care about how I look? FOR SURE. Is is the MOST important thing in my world? HECK NO. Do I want to be heathy? FOR SURE. Am I going to let the self-loathing voice in my head rule my world? HECK NO!

Phew! Got that all off my chest!!

I'm finally feeling like I have a grip

So I've gained 5lbs since September and the jeans that I want to wear are not the ones that fit. To fix this, I started going to the gym again and BOY, I FEEL GOOD! I need to get addicted to exercise, addicted to honouring my body by putting good food in it and working to make my heart healthy. I hurt, but it's a good hurt - I feel like FINALLY I am getting a grip.